Unfinished Humour; guide to fighters

[Sarandosil]

I wrote this forever ago and shelved it, partially because after the Monty Python reference I realized I was totally out of material and decided quitting was better than forcing it, but mostly because after reading through it I got the impression it was one of those things that are awesome in my head but that everyone else would find utterly retarded. Which is not an uncommon occurrence.

A friend of mine tells me it's awesome though, so what the hell. Here it is, unedited and unfinished. It was originally written in google docs which doesn't have footnotes, so those have been marked with a *. Which does look pretty dumb.

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Sarandosil's Guide to Fighters



What does a fighter do? What is my role as a fighter?

Simply put, you are the brains of your party. This is the best kept secret of fighterhood (if you are not a fighter, you should stop reading now), flying in opposition to the common misconception that a fighter is someone who has little ability but to swing a hunk of metal. This is an inversion of reality; the truth is any fighter that has made it to a ripe old age is a tactical genius and a scholar. The first harsh reality you must confront as a fighter is that your skills and prowess will always go unheralded, as those who make up your party are the sort of people who can have fruitful conversations with plants and dodge heat in a closed room while on horseback; wholly dissociated from reality as they are, nothing you do will ever seem more than mundane to them. Invariably the wizard in your party will elect to wear a giant, constricting sponge into the wet, disease filled dungeon and get away with it because prestidigitation keeps him sanitary. Indulging in errors like this is a luxury you do not have; back in the world of the sane, you will quickly learn to squeeze every advantage or die. Can the wizard behead a Balor with an old towel and a safety pin when he has nothing else on hand? He cannot, but before long you will, for every day spent adventuring is a grueling test unlike any that man could devise. By the time you are spending your first haul of treasure, Salusa Secundus will seem an attractive retirement spot.

Your role as a fighter is simply to get to the treasure and live long enough to get out. This will involve careful management of all your resources, being intimately familiar with your limitations, a prodigious knowledge of the world and all it's dangers, and, yes, becoming the defacto leader of your party. The last could be considered the true role of the fighter, for the party that will tag along with you have so grown accustomed to violating causality they have forgotten how it works, leaving you the only one still capable of prolonged rational thought.

First however, we must address the first misconception about fighterhood: that you are a tank.

Tanking

Tank is a derogatory term other classes call fighters. It is a sarcastic term meant to poke fun at your ability to utterly ruin someone's day provided they are standing still and the fact that, despite all the metal you're wearing, you're still one well aimed Panzerschreck from oblivion. "But Saran!" I hear you object, "Modern tanks can move faster than monks*1, deflect nukes, and come loaded with quad PPCs, 10 LRM racks, jump jets and a spiffy paint job." This is all true, and your party members, like all Americans*2, might have even been aware of it if they ever switched the TV from the World WarII channel*3. Take joy in the unintended compliment; the feeling of intellectual superiority it provides you will be one of the more reliable ways you have to keep a firm grasp on sanity when surrounded by the dimwits for months on end.

Tanking is the verb form of cannon fodder. Your party will generally expect you to be standing in-between them and whatever it is that wants to beat them into a pulpy mess. You are no doubt laughing at this as you read, as it doesn't take the tactical genius you will become to spot the absurdity of putting the most valuable member of the party in the greatest harm. The harsh reality is that whatever supernatural skills your party has are easily replaceable, while the sheer competence it takes to survive as a fighter is not. If your party realized this, then you wouldn't be the brains of the group in the first place.

There are times when you will find it beneficial to take a hit in lieu of someone else. To be clear, that is not tanking, just good tactics. Tanking is, by definition, when you elect to take more hits than strictly necessary, and all rigour must be given to avoid tanking at any cost.


Dealing with other classes

As it is your job as a fighter to manage the children who tag along with you on the road to riches and glory, you will need to know how to effectively make use of them. The following is a primer on the requirement and management of the various classes.

Barbarians

Barbarians are a lesser form of fighter. These are the guys that you used to whup handily in fighter school before they dropped out; the ones who joined because they had an excess of upper body strength and little notion there's more to fighting than how cut you look. No doubt at least one of the barbarians you meet will be one of the ones you whupped in fighter school; do not panic. Barbarians have notoriously terrible long term memories due to repeated head trauma, and you can still secure one's services so long as you avoid jogging his memory. Use a pseudonym.

Despite all of this, barbarians are great to have on a team. Willing cannon fodder is a rare commodity, and you can count on the barbarian to rush into melee and tank in your stead. Their loud and aggressive fighting style will quickly make them the center of attention, leaving you and any rogues on the party the freedom to slip in and take advantage of any opening that presents itself. In the typical combat, the barbarian will be knocked unconscious through his recklessness, but not before fulfilling his role as a distraction*4. It is important to note that the barbarian lifestyle puts an immense amount of stress on the barbarian's heart, and there is a non-trivial chance of the barbarian's heart will explode when unconscious, killing him instantly. If you plan on reusing your barbarians, secure the services of a cleric.

Bards

Bards are emergency food supplies, as well as a handy way to boost troop morale when you eventually eat them, for there will be much rejoicing.


Clerics

Clerics can be a powerful addition to any team. The first thing to keep in mind with any cleric is that you cannot beat up his daddy, and the cleric knows it. As such, threats and violence are off the table when it comes to keeping your cleric in line, as his daddy is also not the "tough love" sort who will let his child get whupped instead of rendering assistance. Worse yet, his daddy renders assistance by empowering his child rather than whupping you directly, so don't think you can threaten the cleric when daddy isn't watching. Daddy is always watching.



Rogues

Rogues come in two kinds; the self sufficient with a sense of self preservation, and Kender. Kender is, of course, a state of mind, and you want to avoid recruiting Kender into your party at all costs. Fortunately there's an easy way to tell them apart; the split is largely generational. Any rogue trained in the past ten years probably won't abscond with everything you own one night, while rogues trained before then probably will. Another rule of thumb is to avoid recruiting any rogue that hails from a 10 mile radius of Grognardia.

If you happen to end up with a Kender on your team, you might want to consider killing him. Failing that, consider killing him. Failing that, find an orifice to keep your bag of holding in. But not your mouth! Cloth bags have a tendency to muffle shouted orders and your party would quickly disintegrate into chaos without the firm, paternal guidance of your voice.

Fighters

The day you have a fellow fighter on the team will be a happy day indeed. For once you will find that you have someone of a comparable intellect to converse with, a bright shining light amidst the endless dim minds of other party members. You might find this hard to adapt to at first; having grown used to herding cats, you might find yourself attempting to micromanage your fellow fighter, giving helpful advice that is simply not necessary for someone of his competence. Take a deep breath and let go; for once you can rest easy knowing that even if said fighter could fireball anything, it won't be you.

You might find yourself developing feelings for your fellow fighter. Fighter love is a beautiful thing and I heartily encourage it, but you should still be mindful to avoid tanking. It is a natural thing to be protective of your love, but allowing affection to cloud your judgement enough to take an unnecessary hit will be rightfully looked down on by any fighter worth loving in the first place. There are better spontaneous displays of affection. If, for example, you come across a shallow pool of acid that you would normally jump over, instruct the barbarian to lie down on it and walk across him instead, saving your love the sweat and discomfort such a jump would entail. This strongly sends a message of "I value you enough to pointlessly waste resources*5 to signal it, but nothing so valuable as to seriously threaten our chances of survival." Under no circumstances should you use a bard though, that's just insulting.

If you are both lesbians, then getting together is simple indeed. Fighters, as adventurers, live on the road. By joining the party, she has essentially moved in; to make it official, all you need to do is combine the contents of your bags of u-haul and steal the neglected wizard's familiar to serve as your domestic pet. You should do this by the end of the second day, or the second dungeon, whichever comes first.


About the author

Sarandosil is an elf with several centuries of experience. She is best known for loud and frequent complaints that human fighters who have seen orders of magnitude less combat time are of the same level.

*Literally, provided the monk does not have the run feat. A level 20 monk runs at 40 MPH without the run feat, and 51 with the run feat, while an M1 Abrams tops out at about 45MPH
*2The assumption is that you, the reader, are American. I am obliged to recognize that a slim few of you have managed to secure internet access in the wild untamed jungles of Berlin, or Zaire, or whatever it is you call your patch of trees. To those readers, congratulations; my how quickly the undeveloped world races to the 21st century.
*3Commonly known as the History Channel
*4It should be noted that taking any hit a barbarian could have taken instead is tanking.
*5Commonly known as Valentine's day

[Kaelik]

The Cleric part is exceedingly dumb. It would take 10 seconds to delete the endless repeats and leave only the sort of almost complete thought part.

[malak]

So....this is supposed to be funny? What am I missing?

[Kaelik]

So....this is supposed to be funny? What am I missing?

You aren't missing anything. It's just missing the funny.

I guess the unfinished part was the punch line.

[Sarandosil]

The Cleric part is exceedingly dumb. It would take 10 seconds to delete the endless repeats and leave only the sort of almost complete thought part.

Point taken. Edited

So....this is supposed to be funny? What am I missing?

A different sense of humour. Guess I was right when I shelved it the first time, carry on with your lives.

[Zinegata]

I actually found parts of it pretty funny.

Nice job.

[shau]

I liked it, although it is really unfinished.

[TOZ]

It's rough, and unfinished, but has some good points. I was amused. I'd be more amused by a polished piece of finished work I'm sure. Is that not the purpose of this thread?

[Blicero]

Yeah, it totally wasn't omgwtfbbq funny, but I got a coupla giggles.

[Maxus]

Reminds me of the Quest for Glory game manuals.

(long, so spoilered)

How do I fight?
If one wishes to become a fighter, it is wise to obtain a sword and shield at the earliest opportunity. We do not recommend unarmed combat against a monster, as you can be 'dis'-armed rapidly.

Basic sword work consists of the thrust and swing. The thrust is the deft skewer of the opponent's mid-section, quick and to the point with a minimum of mess. The swing, on the other hand, is a slicing motion designed to release as much of the opponent's interior components as possible. While the swing inflicts more damage, the thrust is quicker. Preference is a matter of personal taste and whether or not you have a strong stomach.

How do I become a Magic User?
To become a Magic User, you must first find a teacher of the craft. Many towns and villages have Magic Users who, for a modest fee, are willing to impart the spark that will ignite the mental light and illuminate the ultimate abilities of the student. Once the mind has been opened to magic, it can be filled with arcane lore, spells, curses, cures and trivia about obscure creatures that never fails to impress the locals.

Magic Users have a reputation for being mysterious, and much of their time is taken up maintaining this illusion. To this end, mirrors are useful for practicing facial expressions, and a repertoire of moods ranging from 'Haughty disdain for fools who ask stupid questions' (ideal for when you don't know the correct answer) to 'Complete and Utter Concentration So Don't You Dare Disturb Me'(perfect for catching forty winks, particularly if you can master sleep with your eyes open), will come in handy.

To enhance your Magic User reputation, develop your eccentricities. Talking to thin air does wonders for having those around you treat you with respect -after all, they can't be sure you aren't talking to someone they can't see.

How do I become a Thief?
Agility is an important thing to develop if you intend to pursue the honorable profession of purloining. Most of the skills a thief uses are based on his (or her) grace and dexterity. There are many schools of thought that teach the skills necessary:

Using Stealth is following the Way of the Rat; a slow, cautious scuttle with all senses alert. Climbing is following the Way of the Three-Toed Sloth, which ascends above those who seek it and goes where they cannot. Running is the Way of the Cockroach, which pauses first to assess the danger, then runs like mad. Lock Picking is the Way of the Aardvark, which delicately inserts its tongue into the termite's nest to get out the luscious treasure within. Throwing is the Way of the Dive Bomber Beetle, which launches itself into the air and plots a course straight and true until it hits something and bounces off. All of these disciplines must be mastered before you will know the One True Way of the Thief.

You must become one with your lock-pick. This tool can open doors into realms you have only imagined. The Thieves' Toolkit will allow you to see what you have not seen before, and to go where you could not go. Wonders will lie before you, and become your own, for the Art of the Thief is to free others from their need for material possessions and to teach them that inner peace comes not from what you have, but from what you have not. The Way of the Thief is the Way of the Cuckoo Bird which, by laying its egg in other birds' nests so that it hatches and kicks out all other eggs, reveals that unless you share with others, you have nothing. The Thief is thus the teacher of great knowledge and truth.

[ubernoob]

This got a smile out of me. Thanks for posting it.

[For Valor]

Yeah, I chuckled. Especially at that bit about the bard, because eating people is funny.

[Caedrus]

Reminds me of the Quest for Glory game manuals.

(long, so spoilered)

How do I fight?
If one wishes to become a fighter, it is wise to obtain a sword and shield at the earliest opportunity. We do not recommend unarmed combat against a monster, as you can be 'dis'-armed rapidly.

Basic sword work consists of the thrust and swing. The thrust is the deft skewer of the opponent's mid-section, quick and to the point with a minimum of mess. The swing, on the other hand, is a slicing motion designed to release as much of the opponent's interior components as possible. While the swing inflicts more damage, the thrust is quicker. Preference is a matter of personal taste and whether or not you have a strong stomach.

How do I become a Magic User?
To become a Magic User, you must first find a teacher of the craft. Many towns and villages have Magic Users who, for a modest fee, are willing to impart the spark that will ignite the mental light and illuminate the ultimate abilities of the student. Once the mind has been opened to magic, it can be filled with arcane lore, spells, curses, cures and trivia about obscure creatures that never fails to impress the locals.

Magic Users have a reputation for being mysterious, and much of their time is taken up maintaining this illusion. To this end, mirrors are useful for practicing facial expressions, and a repertoire of moods ranging from 'Haughty disdain for fools who ask stupid questions' (ideal for when you don't know the correct answer) to 'Complete and Utter Concentration So Don't You Dare Disturb Me'(perfect for catching forty winks, particularly if you can master sleep with your eyes open), will come in handy.

To enhance your Magic User reputation, develop your eccentricities. Talking to thin air does wonders for having those around you treat you with respect -after all, they can't be sure you aren't talking to someone they can't see.

How do I become a Thief?
Agility is an important thing to develop if you intend to pursue the honorable profession of purloining. Most of the skills a thief uses are based on his (or her) grace and dexterity. There are many schools of thought that teach the skills necessary:

Using Stealth is following the Way of the Rat; a slow, cautious scuttle with all senses alert. Climbing is following the Way of the Three-Toed Sloth, which ascends above those who seek it and goes where they cannot. Running is the Way of the Cockroach, which pauses first to assess the danger, then runs like mad. Lock Picking is the Way of the Aardvark, which delicately inserts its tongue into the termite's nest to get out the luscious treasure within. Throwing is the Way of the Dive Bomber Beetle, which launches itself into the air and plots a course straight and true until it hits something and bounces off. All of these disciplines must be mastered before you will know the One True Way of the Thief.

You must become one with your lock-pick. This tool can open doors into realms you have only imagined. The Thieves' Toolkit will allow you to see what you have not seen before, and to go where you could not go. Wonders will lie before you, and become your own, for the Art of the Thief is to free others from their need for material possessions and to teach them that inner peace comes not from what you have, but from what you have not. The Way of the Thief is the Way of the Cuckoo Bird which, by laying its egg in other birds' nests so that it hatches and kicks out all other eggs, reveals that unless you share with others, you have nothing. The Thief is thus the teacher of great knowledge and truth.

Awesome

[RobbyPants]

Quest for Glory? That takes me back! I played that for a brief bit about two weeks ago to test out DosBox on my new PC.

Good times.

[TheFlatline]

The Kender test is a time-honored tradition to see if you have one of these accursed creatures in your party. There is a hardcore and standard version of this test.

Standard: Leave a pile of glittering glass beads out when the party goes to sleep. If it's gone the next morning, you have a kender in your midst.

Hardcore: Same as standard, but when nobody is looking, you pour the most vile contact poison you can find over the pile of glass beads, and in the morning look for the sick/paralyzed/dead party member. At this point you have found your Kender.

[Maxus]

Glass beads?

Just use contact-poisoned coins.

[Zinegata]

You'd still have to clean the coins after killing off the Kender. Better to use wortheless glass beads.

[Maxus]

You'd still have to clean the coins after killing off the Kender. Better to use wortheless glass beads.

Coins are easier to find. And the reaction is to go for them. And you'd have to buy the glass beads. And the coins can be ran under water for a while. And people just don't expect you to poison the money.

It's like having a sealed bag full of caltrops and pouring Invisibility Oil on them. Bonus points will be awarded to someone who can make explosive invisible caltops.

It's a dirty trick people just don't run into.