[Non-political] News that makes you Laugh/Cry/Both...

K · Post by K » Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:36 am

DnD is getting a new film franchise.

Hilariously, some of the same people who made the previous shit films are involved.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:37 am

I want to say they could be good, but they're going to bomb so fucking hard. Not because people from the previous movies are involved, but because Hasbro won't put it in the hands of people who know what they're doing.

Shady314 · Post by **Shady314** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:42 am

The problem is DnD is a system not a story and doesn't have anything to offer a filmmaker beyond branding. It doesn't have a truly iconic story or even setting. Drizzt is probably the only one that even comes close. It's a fantasy kitchen sink and that sink is mostly filled with Tolkien which we already got from Peter Jackson. And if you go for one of the more obscure settings, say Ravenloft, you lose what little recognition DnD has to a non-player.

So odds this will be a disaster are practically 100%. Will it be so bad its good like the first one? Probably not but that's what I'm hoping for.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:49 am

If they could make a movie out of frikkin' Battleship of all things, then you can make a bomb out of anything.

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:54 am

K wrote:Hilariously, some of the same people who made the previous shit films are involved.

Just like letting the people guilty of 4E produce 5E! It makes sense that they're sticking with proven failures to just sink this thing once and for all.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 3:10 am

A D&D movie could work. Driz'zt is one option, and not a bad one. D&D actually has a lot of iconics it can pull up. Hell, it's got everything Magic did in the 90s when WotC was trying to get a Magic movie, plus D&D has "Mickey Mouses" falling out of it's pants. There are any number of directions they could go if they were interested in making good movies, instead of crapping out shit with a brand name-

Dungeons and Dragons: Greyhawk[/b]- Eight adventurers skilled in magic tame a wild land, slowly growing a minor trading post into the mighty Free City of Greyhawk. You follow the first D&D characters, and you can do side stuff in an urban fantasy setting. Daredevil would honestly fit perfectly if you made the Greyhawk river district shittier.
Forgotten Realms of Dungeons and Dragons- alternate between high powered fantasy with Elminster banging Mystra and disintegrating demons, and gritty rambo stuff with Driz'zt. Driz'zt is a ranger from an evil society. He's a perfect gritty action hero.
Dungeons and Dragons: Rise of Venger- No, seriously, remake the cartoon as a live-action, either verbatim, or have the characters pulled back as adults by Dungeon Master because Venger has risen as a lich or something.
Dungeons and Dragons Worlds: Ravenloft- Van Helsing mostly sucked because there was next to no connection between it and the source material. It wasn't a good movie, but it was enjoyable. Get a good writer, and you have a psuedo-victorian action horror thing. Solid basis that will put butts in seats.
D&D Planescape- Same as Greyhawk, minus the Circle of Eight, plus a cast so fucking diverse that this might as well be animated. But, a movie about the Lady of Pain creating Sigil would actually be pretty awesome if you ditched whatever's established and make your own story. Fuck, it's like Greyhawk and the Founding of Hogwarts combined.
Dungeons and Dragons: Adventurer/Conquerer/King I get that this isn't exactly a D&D thing, but the concept could be grabbed and written up as a trilogy about a single group of adventurers working their way up the power scale.
Dungeons and Dragons Blood War- No, seriously. Animated PG 13 movie about the blood war. It'd need some extensive exposition early on, but it could work.

Plus adventure paths like Age of Worms and Shackled City. And whatever the third one from Dungeon magazine was. Tomb of Horrors could be adapted. Honestly there are a lot of stories that are already there that can be adapted into D&D movies. But that requires that someone gives a shit and doesn't just want to make a quick buck.

Orca · Post by **Orca** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:20 am

Driz'zt has a terrible name and looks like a white guy in blackface. Anyway, it sounds like the script is already written without getting Salvatore involved, by a guy named David Leslie Johnson.

Count Arioch the 28th · Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:23 am

I kind of liked the second D&D movie...

K · Post by K » Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:57 am

A franchise could work if you adpated one of the handful of decent novels and not one of the shit ones.

The Crystal Shard would be perfect since it focuses on a big white guy, but Driz'zt could work only if he was played by Zoe Saldana.

Unfortunately, I think she's locked into the Guardians of the Galaxy franchise.

Maxus · Post by **Maxus** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:05 am

Question:

Why does absolutely everyone insert the apostrophe into Drizzt's name?

Shady314 · Post by **Shady314** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:16 am

Maxus wrote:Question: Why does absolutely everyone insert the apostrophe into Drizzt's name?

Ahem.

Shady314 wrote:Drizzt is probably the only...

K wrote:Driz'zt could work only if he was played by Zoe Saldana.

Holy shit. You've made me mildly interested in a purely theoretical Drizzt movie. Goddamn you.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:19 am

Is there not one? I never read the books, so I don't know.

Also, I don't think there'd really be much of a problem casting black actors as drow (aside from not being sure there are enough black actors to do a movie heavily focused on the drow, and the shit storm someone would start about an evil race being played by only black actors)

K · Post by K » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:23 am

Maxus wrote:Question:

Why does absolutely everyone insert the apostrophe into Drizzt's name?

To remind people how to pronounce it. Unless you read the second novel of the Dark Elf Trilogy, you probably pronounce it like "drizt" instead of "drizzit" like the author intended.

Salvatore is bad with made-up names.

Count Arioch the 28th · Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:05 am

I would do Zoe Saldana if given the chance to. I just thought I would share that with you all.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:10 am

Count, other than exes, are there any women you wouldn't do?

Count Arioch the 28th · Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:55 am

Ann Coulter. Yep, not even a wiggle down there.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 7:25 am

I said women, not draconian eldritch abominations.

Longes · Post by **Longes** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:52 pm

Islamic State sex slave price list authentic, $165 for a child - UN

angelfromanotherpin · Post by **angelfromanotherpin** » Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:29 pm

It's worth keeping in mind that a slave in Haiti is like $50. The last time I looked (which was years ago), the average price of a slave in the 21st Century was $90. This suggests the demand in Islamic State is unusually high. Slaves are just less valuable when slavery's illegal in most of the world and people are more likely to revolt (due to the modern-day expectations of autonomy).

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:54 am

http://www.economist.com/news/britain/2 ... s-pleasure

hyzmarca · Post by **hyzmarca** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:22 am

Ancient History wrote:http://www.economist.com/news/britain/2 ... s-pleasure

It seems to me, that the best way to deal with prisoners taking dangerous drugs is to give them safe drugs. Like, the prison can just give them an allowance of pot with their meals. That would make sense.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:27 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68vv1sIyaMs

"Not less drugs, more drugs!"

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:40 am

hyzmarca wrote:
Ancient History wrote:http://www.economist.com/news/britain/2 ... s-pleasure
It seems to me, that the best way to deal with prisoners taking dangerous drugs is to give them safe drugs. Like, the prison can just give them an allowance of pot with their meals. That would make sense.

Which is precisely why it won't happen.

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:40 am

Yes, instead they're looking at banning smoking. I'm sure that won't result in inmates rioting, kicking the shit out of the guards, and setting fires.

I mean, that's what happens every single time prisons cut off cigarettes, but it won't happen THIS time!

Josh_Kablack · Post by **Josh_Kablack** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 5:32 pm

Mmm, Breakfast Beer