Lets Play - Can You Brexit?

[Omegonthesane]

Do what May should've and hold a second referendum to ratify.

[SGamerz]

2nd referendum

[Thaluikhain]

192

‘A second referendum? Is that wise?’

You look up, unaware that you’d spoken out loud. You’d forgotten there was anyone else in the room, in fact. It’s a Cabinet meeting. They all gape along the table at you like newly hatched ducklings waiting for something to follow.

‘Why would it not be wise, Alan?’

‘It might go against us.’

‘What do you mean, against us? Leave or Remain?’

‘Either. It’s uncontrollable. Whatever the result is, it’s like drawing a new hand of cards.’

‘Russian roulette,’ agrees Dennis Dent, nodding vigorously like one of those toy dogs you used to see on car dashboards.

Peter Strewel perks up. ‘Mm, sounds tasty, that. Velvety dark chocolate laced with vodka. Oh no, I’m thinking of roulade.’

‘A new referendum would be an unknown unknown,’ chimes in the Home Secretary. ‘Why shake things up? We could be handing Barry Scraggle the keys to Number 10.’

The panicky fools.
No, they’re right.

[angelfromanotherpin]

Fools.

[Omegonthesane]

I'd rather hand Number 10 to Barry Scraggle than inflict the shambles we've come up with on this country without the backing of the people Fools.

[SGamerz]

Are we choosing the way we think, or what we tell them?

Either way, "Fools" is the right answer.

[Thaluikhain]

845

There is a resigned sigh around the table as they see you won’t be dissuaded.

‘What kind of referendum?’ pipes up a voice from the far end.

‘Who said that?’ A sheepishly grinning face leans forward. You fight the urge to get up, walk along the table and punch him.

‘Tode? Are you back in Cabinet?’

‘Environment Secretary,’ he says. ‘And thank you, Prime Minister, for the opportunity – ’

‘All right. I’m not Dumpster Windrip. I don’t need stroking, man. Spit it out. What kinds of referendum are there? It’s just yes or no, isn’t it?’

‘It could be,’ says Tode with a goofy chuckle. ‘Just Leave or Remain like last time, that’s an option. Or we could drill down, give people a range of options to choose between.’

‘Steady on,’ says Strewel with a guffaw. ‘It’s the great British public, remember. Ketchup or mayo has them spinning like a top.’

‘I’m not so dismissive of the average man,’ says Tode huffily. ‘Anyway, there’s a third option, which is to hold the referendum in rounds.’

‘Rounds!’ cries Leslie Barkwell, sounding for all the world like Lady Bracknell.

‘The French manage it. And if we’re giving more than a yes/no choice, it’s the best way to find out what the public really want.’

‘Who’ll speak up for the simple yes/no option?’
‘A range of options, that could work.’
‘Tell me more about this runoff voting idea.’

[Omegonthesane]

A range of options to split the Leave vote giving us the excuse to wash our hands of this nonsense. Because unlike literally every Tory leader I'm not actually both a mendacious shit and in a position to personally benefit from a recession.

[SGamerz]

Range of options.

[Grek]

Oh boy, time to split that vote. Range of options, please!

[Thaluikhain]

698

‘A menu, sort of thing,’ says Strewel. ‘Brexit à la carte.’

‘It’s a recipe for disaster, if you ask me,’ says the Chancellor. ‘Just suppose we had 30% in favour of a Norway-type deal, 30% saying they want to stay in the EU, and 40% wanting out of the whole shebang, no single market, no customs union, and so forth?’

‘Then Leaves wins,’ says Barkwell. ‘That’s how democracy works in my book. The majority view carries the day.’

‘It’s just an example, Leslie. These aren’t the actual figures. But there you can see that 60% of the voters did not want a hard Brexit but they’d be getting one anyway. It could just end up causing more bitter divisions in a country that’s already on the ropes.’

‘Oh yes, oh yes. That’s the sort of defeatist talk that’s at the root of all our problems. The country is not divided. The will of the people is for a hard Brexit under strong and stable Conservative leadership.’

There’s a moment of silence as everyone contemplates Barkwell’s rant. He reaches out and discreetly wipes a fleck of spittle from the polished surface of the table. All eyes turn to you.

‘I like this à la carte idea. Let’s make it so.’
‘I’m not sure what’s wrong with the tried and tested yes/no option.’
‘What about the runoff idea? If the French can figure it out, surely we can.’
‘I’m going off the whole idea. We’ve had too many referendums lately anyway.’

[Omegonthesane]

Have MI5 assassinate Barkwell Proceed with a la carte, with an eye to spinning the results in favour of No Brexit if our deal doesn't win.

[Darth Rabbitt]

A la carte

[Thaluikhain]

‘The ballot will present voters with three choices,’ your chief of staff explains with the aid of an expensive-looking AV deck.

‘Three options, Ron. Not three choices. The choice is to pick one of the options.’ He turns, blinking above the great bush of his beard like a cyclist caught urinating in a hedge. ‘Never mind, go on.’

‘Choice… er, option one: stay in the European Union by reversing our declaration of Article 50. Like cutting the wire on the bomb before it goes off.’

‘I must make sure to do it with only seconds to spare. And option two?’

‘Remain within the single market but no longer as an EU member. Something like Norway’s or Switzerland’s deals, details to be decided, et cetera. And option three, of course, is to exit the EU, customs union, single market, the whole shebang. Brexit to the max.’

If you have the keyword CLARION...

Yes, so:

569

The new referendum gives you an opportunity to pull the country back from the brink. If you can make the case for a soft Brexit, you may not only succeed in delivering Britain from the calamitous fate of being cast adrift outside the single market, thus protecting her vital industries, but you might also be able to heal the rancorous divisions within society. Perhaps there is a form of compromise Brexit that will satisfy the majority on both sides.

Or you could push it even further, advocating that Article 50 should be rescinded and Britain should stay in the EU.

Campaign for a soft Brexit.
Make the case for Remain.
Safer to avoid campaigning altogether.

[angelfromanotherpin]

I think actually campaigning for Remain is a good way to get removed as PM, but that campaigning for soft Brexit might cause it to win, and the safe thing is to avoid campaigning.

But again, fuck it. May survived how many votes of no confidence because nobody else wanted the job? Courage of our convictions: Make the case for Remain.

[Darth Rabbitt]

Make the case for remain. If it kills our career at least we die a hero (or possibly just “not evil”)

[Omegonthesane]

Campaign for Remain. Because whoever wrote this book might well have foreseen that the Brexiteer camp was always going to shift its demands further and further into the impossible and dangerous like they did IRL, torpedoing any prospect of compromise.

[Thaluikhain]

It’s the gamble of your career, but you’ve decided to stake everything on campaigning to reverse Brexit.

Acquire the keyword GAZELLE, then...

Look at your Brexit Memo Pad.

If your Economy score is 52% or more...

A burgeoning economy gives the lie to all the Project Fear scaremongering from the 2016 campaign. Retail spending is up – on credit, admittedly. And the hike in prices on imported goods hasn’t hit the shops yet. The general mood of the country seems to be that Britain would fare very well outside the EU.

‘If people just vote on the basis of their purses and wallets, it’ll be a shoo-in for a hard Brexit,’ reckons your chief of staff.

‘It’s never that simple. People care about their finances, but they care almost as much about their feelings.’

Look at the Goodwill score on your Brexit Memo Pad. This gives a sense of how amicably the EU27 are behaving towards Britain at the moment.

Look at your Brexit Memo Pad.

If Goodwill is at 52% or higher...

All indications of the national mood suggest that a soft Brexit is on the cards.

‘It’s both the best and the worst of all possible worlds,’ is the opinion of one political pundit. ‘At least Britain would be spared the economic calamity of leaving the single market, but while bound to Europe’s standards products and services we’d no longer have much influence over them.’

If you have the keyword FOG...
If you have the keyword GAZELLE...

531

You join in a heated television debate in which you argue the case for remaining in the EU.

The ubiquitous Martin Mugglemore is chairing the debate. ‘People are saying they like the Norway model. Stay in the single market but with the possibility of opting out of the EU’s “evercloser” policy. And it costs us less per head than remaining a full member. What’s so bad about that?’

‘There’s all this talk of a Norway model, but where would we fit in? As part of the European Free Trade Association? We don’t know if they’d have us. It would be a minnow swallowing a whale. And it’s not that much cheaper, either. Norwegians pay about three-quarters per head of the full EU membership fees Britain pays.’

‘Quite simply, Martin, Norway has very little leverage with the EU. If we are going to be subject to EU decisions – as we would in the European Economic Area – it’s better if we keep a seat at the table.’

[SGamerz]

Option 2.

[Omegonthesane]

Agreed.

[Thaluikhain]

You feel that your arguments have helped swing the result, but nothing is certain till the votes are counted. You settle down in front of the television with a glass of milk and a plate of sandwiches and wait to see which way it will go.
Toss two coins.
If both come up heads...
Otherwise...

(Ok, didn't toss coins, rolled 2 virtual dice, taking odds as heads and got 2 and 4)

The vote is strongly in favour of staying in the EU. So that was a lot of avoidable pain and bother. Still, the people have spoken. Their latest whim has come across loud and clear. What you have to consider now is your own political future.
Look at your keyword list.
If you have FOG...
If you have GAZELLE...

As usual, your astute political judgement has placed you on the side of history. The will of the people is the god of the age, and you are now able to style yourself as its undisputed prophet.

On your Brexit Memo Pad:

+5% Authority: by backing the winning side you’ve cowed your rivals in the party

+10% Popularity: to the winner the spoils

206

‘So what now, Prime Minister?’ asks Wilkins as he sets out your afternoon tea. ‘Press ahead with Brexit, or not? Oh by the way, jam or clotted cream?’

‘Both, obviously, Wilkins. It’s a scone. As for Brexit… the people have spoken.’

‘Twice now. The will of the people seems a trifle erratic if I may say so. My granny isn’t that confused, and half the time she thinks the TV remote is her mobile phone.’

‘It is not for us to judge. The public are waiting to be told what they have voted for, and tomorrow I shall tell them.’

Proceed with Brexit.
Announce that you are revoking the Article 50 declaration and Britain will stay in the EU.

45% Authority
60% Economy
76% Goodwill
61% Popularity

EU Trade Talks, Exit Fee, Immigration, International Trade Deals, Negotiation Strategy, Residency Rights
Bleak, Clarion, Gazelle, Maple

[angelfromanotherpin]

[Darth Rabbitt]

Revoke article 50 and stay in the EU.

[Omegonthesane]

While it's still noble, it's also now in our personal interests to do waht the people said and revoke article 50.

Does anything we do influence the actual outcome of a second ref? Like is GAZELLE checked if we get heads & tails?

[Thaluikhain]

Does anything we do influence the actual outcome of a second ref? Like is GAZELLE checked if we get heads & tails?

Well, heads and tails is the same as getting both tails, but if you get both heads GAZELLE is checked, but it doesn't influence things, it just checks if you'd backed the winning side. Anyway:

Even the hard-line right of your party greet the news with only token protest. The Heil grumbles about U-turns, the Outrage mutters darkly about crawling back under the European yoke. But the arguments are muted, the tone grumpy rather than defiant.

‘The cause hasn’t gone away, of course,’ says Dennis Dent as he clears his papers from the Cabinet Room table.

‘Of course. You’ll be back.’

‘Not me. Gardening and an evening pint watching the cricket for me. Leave it to younger men to fight the battle for Britain.’

You feel a little sorry for him. He spent most of his political life campaigning to quit the EU, but you suspect that his time as Brexit Minister has been a sharp shock to those long-held convictions. Over the last two years, the country has been careering towards a terrifying precipice into the unknown, and even the maddest ideological plan does not long survive contact with pitiless reality.

‘You think it’s not over, then?’

He turns at the door. With his shoulders hunched and his hair in birds-nest disarray he looks like any other disappointed pensioner. ‘Fungale will be back. He’ll breathe on the embers of UKIP and blow up a firestorm of xenophobia. The British just don’t like foreigners, you see. Foreigners make them feel inferior – or just equal, which to a Brit is every bit as bad. The funny thing is, I think we could have made it work. If we’d switched back to a manufacturing economy, turned the country into a tax haven, abolished employment laws, and opted out of foreign aid and human rights, I think we could have made a decent fist of going it alone in the world.’

‘I dare say we’ll find out sooner or later. This is the era of referendums. What was it Pericles said? The public’s moods are like the tantrums of an infant? All that’s left for us politicians is to play the indulgent parents.’

‘You know, you’ve reminded me of something I haven’t thought about for many, many years. It must have been when I was about three or four years old. I got in a strop with my mother and announced that I was leaving home. Mother got out the loaf and the butter, made me a sandwich, wrapped it up in a handkerchief, and waved me off at the door. I got as far as the end of the road and then came back.’

‘Is that some kind of lesson?’

‘Wouldn’t matter if it was. Nobody learns.’

He shrugs and goes out.

THE END

...

So, there you have it. Best possible result, country not ruined. You didn't get ousted in favour of a horrible right wing clown (which happened to me when I played it. Though, well, not alone in that...)

You also didn't have to pull your eye out and replace it with a magic rock, which, given the authors, might have been a thing that happened. Maybe that was in the NHS section.

Also, no mention of Ireland, which seems a bit of an omission, it being something of a big deal.

Personally, I found it humourous and informative, until the part when we met with the PotUS, and it seemed to get darkly serious from there, or maybe that's a few years of retrospect coming through, or maybe just me.