Lets Play - Can You Brexit?

[Thaluikhain]

Can You Brexit
Without Breaking Britain?

by

Dave Morris & Jamie Thomson

On March 29, 2017, the United Kingdom gave notice under Article 50 of its intention to quit the European Union.

You're the British Prime Minister. You now have just two years to negotiate the unpicking of an alliance that's been built up over four decades. And that's not the only minefield you’re going to have to cross. Your cabinet is unruly, your party is splitting itself apart, and the country remains bitterly divided over the whole issue.

Can you hang on and bring Britain safely into harbour? Forge new trade deals around the globe? Juggle popular support at home with the goodwill of your former EU allies? Stop the economy from spiralling down the plug hole? And all the while keeping an eye on those Parliamentary colleagues whose knives are ever-ready to plunge into your back?

This is a gamebook in which the outcome is decided by the choices you make. You know the kind of thing. You’ll need a pencil to keep track of how you’re doing on the Brexit Memo Pad.

Anything else? Oh yes, start at section 1. Seems obvious, but these days we can’t take anything for granted…

WHO’S WHO

Armand Alprèves: EU Commission chief negotiator
Bill Appleby: Presenter of the BBC show Now Then
Jay Arthur: Health Secretary
Leslie Barkwell: International Trade Minister
Ron Beardsley: Downing Street chief of staff
Dave Deadpool: US chief strategist
Dennis Dent: Secretary of State for Exiting the EU
Amelia Dimple: Environment Secretary
Harvey Doggerbank: Chairman of the 1922 Committee
Bob Fobber: Leader of the Liberal Democrats
Willy Franjeboom: Chief negotiator for the EU Parliament
Colin Fungale: Sometime leader of UKIP
Crispin Gorm: Attorney General
Ingrid Käsen: Chancellor of Germany
Yalayip Kulübe: President of Turkey
Jonathan Leonine: Former Tory grandee
Douglas Mac: President of the European Council
Martin Mugglemore: Presenter of the TV show Feeding Time
Gervais Noysom-Reek: Conservative backbencher
Bob Owlbear: Deputy leader of the opposition
Jaume Pandillero: President of the Philippines
Kirstin Pike: First Minister of Scotland
Lemmi Puukaasu: Prime Minister of Finland
Tiffany Rufus: Home Secretary
Barry Scraggle: Leader of the opposition
Chloe Stoat: Business Secretary
Alan Stollard: Chancellor of the Exchequer
Bill Strait: Father of the House
Peter Strewel: Foreign Secretary
Jean-Jacques Terlamen: President of the European Commission
Thomas Tode: Prominent Leave campaigner
Terri Trough: Downing Street Press Secretary
Dumpster P Windrip: President of the United States

1

The light creeps in under your eyelids like the water seeping into your car that’s just careened off the road and into the river. The windows bulge under the pressure and then burst inwards – strangely not with a crack but with a swish like curtains being drawn. In seconds the water turns into a gushing torrent. Your lungs are starting to fill with water as the limo sinks deeper into the black waters – ‘No!’ you cry as you sit bolt upright. Wildly you look around the back seat of the... Wait a minute. This isn’t your car. It’s the bedroom of Number 10. ‘Are you all right, Prime Minister?’ says a soft voice. ‘You asked to be woken at six-thirty.’ You give a groan as a dull headache starts pulsing behind your eyes. It feels like you’ve had about thirty minutes’ sleep at best. ‘What do you reckon about drowning, Wilkins? It’s supposed to be a peaceful way to go, isn’t it?’ ‘I believe the evidence is sketchy, Prime Minister.’ He indicates the cup of tea beside you, along with a stack of newspapers. Yesterday you gave notice to the European Union of Britain’s decision to invoke Article 50. You notice the Daily Heil has led with something about the glorious new dawn of Brexit. And why not? They aren’t the ones who actually have to deliver it. To remind yourself what it actually meant when you declared Article 50...

(There's no reason not to do that, so...)

Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty states: First, that any member state can decide to withdraw from the European Union ‘in accordance with its own constitutional requirements.’ Second, that a member state that decides to leave starts off by notifying the European Council of its intention. The European Union then negotiates a withdrawal agreement with that state, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement requires the consent of the European Parliament and is then put to a vote in the European Council, in other words the heads of state of all the EU countries. Third, the state ceases to be a member of the EU two years after declaring its intention to leave, unless an agreement for a transition period has been made before then. Since you declared Article 50 yesterday, you now have two years to conclude that agreement. Two years. Is that luxurious indulgence, or is it going to be a whiteknuckle ride from hell? That’s what you’ll soon find out. The lawyer who drafted Article 50 says that he never expected any nation to actually invoke it unless their government had fallen to a coup or something similar. Of course, many critics of Brexit say that’s exactly what it is, a populist takeover by the right wing of your party. But so far you’re still in charge. Got all that? It’s only going to get more fraught, so if you’ve got any Valium you might want to pop a couple now. Once you’ve steeled yourself for the fray.

Hold on. Maybe you’ve never seen a book like this before? The idea is that you make choices and those choices will direct you on a path through the book. What are you trying to do? The clue is in the title. You’ll be keeping track of how you’re doing on your Brexit Memo Pad. Listed there are four variables that you’ll want to keep an eye on:
• Authority is your control of your own Parliamentary party.
• Economy measures the financial health of the country.
• Goodwill is how well-disposed the other EU members are towards Britain.
• Popularity is what the voting public think of how you’re doing.
Those are all measured as percentages, and they all begin at 52%. Contrary to the belief of sports coaches and management gurus, they can’t go higher than 100%. Nor can they go below 1%. For example, if you’re awarded a bonus of +15 to your Popularity when its score is already at 90%, you should just increase it to 100%. You’ll need to use notes to record your current scores on the Brexit Memo Pad, and you’ll also highlight keywords which keep track of your decisions, and you’ll mark off negotiations as you complete them. When you’ve hit a link to consult at the Brexit Memo Pad, you can return to the place you came from using the Back button. But I’m sure you already knew that. You’re running a country, after all. You don’t need your hand held.

(Back buttoning not being terribly relevant done on the gaming den, but included for completeness. There are 25 keywords in the Brexit Memo Pad, and 10 key areas to negotiate)

669

You reach for the tea. ‘Bring me up to speed, Wilkins. Any early appointments?’

‘Three, Prime Minister. Mrs Stoat, Mr Beardsley, and Sir Harvey. Whom should I schedule for the breakfast meeting?’

Chloe Stoat is Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy. She’s a jittery, brittle type with a habit of shooting her mouth off to the press if she feels she’s being left out of the loop. Nonetheless, talking to her would help you get a picture of Brexit’s economic impact.

As the Downing Street chief of staff, Ron Beardsley is your policy advisor. If there is any philosophical agenda underpinning your political strategy, it comes from him, and he’s prepared a brief on the exit payment the EU wants from Britain. Ron is a little intense, though, and hard to take first thing in the morning. As is his pipe.

Sir Harvey Doggerbank is the chair of the 1922 committee. A hardcore right-winger whose wide-eyed glare always make you think of Yeats’s ‘Second Coming’. But maintaining your authority means keeping him close.

You remember that the Chancellor is arriving for a meeting about the EU exit fee at 8:30, so there’ll only be time to see one of them now and the others will have to wait.

‘I’d better see the minister.’
‘I have some things to talk over with Mr Beardsley.’
‘Let’s get Sir Harvey out of the way first.’

[angelfromanotherpin]

Unless there's some solution to the Irish Dilemma, most of this shit is just whistling past the graveyard.

• Chloe is probably just going to tell us that the economy will be catastrofucked, which I already know. It's possible that we're supposed to learn that in-character before we can act on it, though.
• Ron's going to tell us about the extra £35-40 billion we'll have to hand over in a lump sum to fulfill our treaty obligations before we leave, which is going to be an unwelcome announcement.
• Talking to Harvey is the political option, but my understanding is that the hard-righters are completely intractable and unreliable no matter how much you give them.

Fuck it, talk to Sir Harvey. That seems like the 'do something' option instead of the 'get exposition' option.

[Darth Rabbitt]

Yeah, talk to Harvey.

[Thaluikhain]

737

An hour later, invigorated by a shower, you’re sipping strong black coffee in the main conference room when Sir Harvey Doggerbank is shown in.

‘Sir Harvey. I’m sorry I only have a few minutes before my meeting with the Chancellor.’

‘Appreciate you’re busy, Prime Minister. Exciting times, these. Opportunity knocks for Britain, eh?’

‘Well, that all depends on the Brexit negotiations.’
‘Let’s hope it’s a matter of opportunity not calamity.’
‘Quite. A glorious new future awaits us.’
‘To be honest, the task now is damage limitation.’

[angelfromanotherpin]

The last represents my real feelings, but this is politics and I think we do better if we butter him up with option 3.

[Darth Rabbitt]

Tell him what he wants to hear (i.e. option 3.)

[Thaluikhain]

‘I think we’re going to get on very well, Prime Minister,’ he says, offering his hand. ‘I won’t keep you from your meeting. Just wanted to say I’m looking forward to working with you.’

As he leaves, you catch Wilkins’ eye and nod for him to show the Chancellor in.

507

The others sweep in. First is the Chancellor, Alan Stollard. The threat of the Treasury having to find an extra €60 billion has had him pacing his bedroom all night. You know because you heard him through the wall.

Behind him is the compact, strutting figure of Dennis Dent, the Secretary of State for Exiting the EU, beaming like a two hundred watt bulb. Dear God, how can he be so perky this early in the morning? The answer is pretty obvious, though. Ever since the referendum he feels like he’s had a letter from Hogwarts.

A gaggle of assistants sweep in behind the two ministers like a bridal train styled by Moss Bros. You could swear one of them is actually speaking into his watch – until he catches your hooded stare and taps it off. If only these junior civil servants would spend a little more on clothing and less on their ubiquitous gadgetry.

‘Sixty billion, they’re asking. That’s – ’ The Chancellor glances at an iPad hastily held out in front of him by a lackey. ‘That’s a quarter as much as trade with the EU is worth to us in a year. Half as much again as our defence budget.’

‘Outrageous,’ splutters Dent. ‘Sheer extortion. It’s the sort of punishment beating the Foreign Secretary was talking about. Where do they think we’ll find it, down the back of the sofa?’

‘It’s a tidy sum,’ concedes the Chancellor. ‘Especially with spending already cut to the bone.’

‘I already know the problems. Give me some solutions.’
‘Let’s go over the options.’

[angelfromanotherpin]

Those options don't seem different? I pick the first, because solutions are better than options.

[Darth Rabbitt]

We know how fucked we are, but these guys seem more likely to be able to give us "options" than "solutions," and the second choice is less likely to piss off some of these guys.

Let's go over the options.

[Thaluikhain]

Brexit seems to be delayed due to lack of agreement, which is not out-of-character, but still...

[Mr Shine]

Going over the options sounds like expostition that won't actually affect anything and will go straight on th the "solutions". If not though, I agree with Darth tot to be pointlessly antagontistic, let's just ask for options.

[SGamerz]

I would have picked options, but I don't want to cause another tie, so withholding my vote unless another voter agrees with me.

[Thaluikhain]

‘Agree to the exit fee quick and we’ve bought time and some goodwill,’ says Stollard.

Dent gives an angry snort. ‘Roll over and let them tickle our tummy, eh? How do you think that’ll go down?’

The Chancellor isn’t one to rise to easy bait. ‘I’m listing the options. Refuse outright to pay and it’ll go to the courts. We might even win the case – but only like Pyrrhus.’

Recognizing a swipe at his lack of a university education, Dent gives Stollard his trademark crinkle-cut sneer. ‘I may not know much about Ancient Rome, but I know Texas Hold’em, and I say if we call their bluff they’ll fold.’

Stollard lets that hang in the air for a few seconds, then turns to you and goes on as if Dent hadn’t spoken. ‘Or there’s the middle ground. Either continue to negotiate the exit fee in parallel with other talks, or reach a quick agreement over the basic principles that will be used to calculate the amount, and come back and revisit it later.’

‘Dragging it out is a problem given our lack of negotiators,’ you remind him.

‘True. Though it does also buy us time to hire in some talent, which God knows we need.’ ‘That’s all for today, gentlemen.

125

So many problems, so little time. There are plenty of experts clamouring to advise you, of course, but more reliably you have your own experience, social media, and a legion of paid sycophants to fall back on.

What pressing issues do you want to take a closer look at?

To find out about immigration and freedom of movement...
To consider the status of EU citizens already living here...
To bone up on negotiating strategy...
What is the single market anyway?
Take a trip to Cornwall to find out about development funding...
Enough talk. Actions speak louder than words.

[Darth Rabbitt]

The last option.

[Thaluikhain]

150
□ □

If both of the boxes above are already highlighted...

Otherwise, don’t highlight one yet, just read on.

You only have limited time to oversee areas of the Brexit talks in person. Other negotiations are left to your deputies. The issues that need to be dealt with now are listed below, and you will only be able to deal with two of them personally.

When you choose an issue to oversee, you’ll be asked to highlight one of the boxes above:

Deal with the Exit Fee (only if it is not already marked as complete) – highlight a box above and then...

Deal with the rights of EU citizens already living in Britain (only if Residency Rights is not already marked as complete) – highlight one of the boxes above, then...

Deal with the question of immigration and border controls (only if Immigration is not already marked as complete) – highlight a box and then...

Agree a framework with the EU for how talks should proceed (only if Negotiation Strategy is not already marked as complete) – highlight a box and then...

Incidentally, if you need a rest from running the country, this is a good place to take a break and come back later. Once you have dealt with two of these issues (indicated by having highlighted both boxes above)...

[angelfromanotherpin]

Immigration/Borders

[Darth Rabbitt]

Agreed.

[Thaluikhain]

622

Along with the other EU heads of state, you attend a summit of the European Council in Rome. The hope is you can hammer out preliminary terms for a deal on free movement. On the way to the first meeting you’re still going over the options with your press secretary.

‘Lizzie, you know, I’m wondering – if even Denis Dent now admits we will need to keep EU labour coming into Britain for “years and years”, why don’t we trade that off against a transitional acceptance of free movement. That way we can do a Norway-type deal rather than leaving the single market outright.’

‘The trouble is, Prime Minister, that the steaming mad Brexit contingent would see any interim plan like that as a threat to actually going ahead and leaving. In fact, Fungale said exactly that yesterday in a speech. We can’t lift that rock even a crack or there’s no telling what will come out from under it.’

You gaze out of the car window at the shattered façade of the Colosseum. ‘Is it possible that human beings can produce such a sound?’

‘Pardon me, Prime Minister?’

‘Nero. In the Peter Ustinov film. It didn’t end well for him or the empire.’

At the meeting you’re greeted first by Chancellor Käsen of Germany. ‘So, free movement.’

What is she, a sphinx?

‘Yes, free movement,’ you echo back.

‘You will need it too. Yours is a service economy, and that often means workers must live abroad, not true?’

‘That’s what we’re here to discuss.’

The other ministers take their places and wait for you to state your case. After some preamble you get to the point. ‘The British people have voted largely on the basis of immigration.’

‘And why does Britain need special treatment?’ asks the Austrian chancellor. ‘You don’t have so many more EU citizens relocating compared to others.’

‘We’re a rich country, so people want to live in Britain. But we’re an island nation, so our culture is precious to us and it’s hard to integrate people from the continent.’

‘Even so, are the British people so insular, then?’

You won’t stand for that kind of talk!
Count to ten. Be conciliatory.

[angelfromanotherpin]

Conciliatory.

[Darth Rabbitt]

Count to ten and be conciliatory.

[Thaluikhain]

‘Give them time. In many of the areas that voted to leave the EU, the proportion of immigrants has increased very rapidly – tenfold or more in the last decade. Other regions, like London, have had more time to get used to a high number of foreign-born residents and were in favour of remaining in the EU. You’ve travelled through the more rural areas of your own country. How do locals react to strangers? It takes them a while to grow accustomed to change. The days when elitists could order their people around are gone. We are democracies and we must accept the democratic will. None of us here wants a bad outcome in these talks, and you know I must uphold the decision of my electorate, so let us hear no more insults, please.’

It’s good. Statesmanlike. You notice several of the ministers exchanging glances of approval – or maybe envy, either will do.

Record on your Brexit Memo Pad:
+1% Authority: that speech will play well at home.
+1% Goodwill: the EU ministers respect your candour and like the veiled hints of a soft Brexit strategy.

453

After some more exchanges, many of them heated, the President of the Council asks you what you would propose.

‘One option is to invoke the emergency brake. Article 112 of the European Economic Area agreement allows for restrictions to be placed on freedom of movement. If Britain were to apply that same principle, we could get our immigration under control while still remaining eligible for access to the single market.’

‘I have the relevant article from the EEA agreement here,’ says the President of the Commission. ‘I will read it for the benefit of the ministers. “If serious economic, societal or environmental difficulties of a sectorial or regional nature liable to persist are arising, a contracting nation may unilaterally take appropriate measures.”’

‘I don’t understand,’ says the French President. ‘Those EU citizens aren’t a drain on your social services. In fact, they create wealth for Britain. And you have fewer EU citizens living in Britain than we do, or Germany, or Spain.’

‘We have a million Britons living in our country,’ puts in the Spanish prime minister. ‘Should I call a state of emergency?’

‘The British don’t call their own people immigrants,’ the Greek prime minister tells him. ‘When they’re living in your country they’re ex-pats.’

‘There you have it,’ says the French President. ‘How can you justify using the emergency brake? In what way is this an emergency?’

‘It’s a social emergency.’
‘Well then, what do you suggest?’
‘If we can’t use the brake then it’ll have to be a visa system.’

[Mr Shine]

Definitely not asking them what they suggest. Vote for Visa, but will switch to social to break any ties.

[angelfromanotherpin]

Visa.

[Thaluikhain]

839

Naturally the other ministers want to know who will get the visas. Whatever deal you reach is going to be reciprocal. Service industries often need employees to relocate to another country, even if only temporarily while a new office is being set up. And that applies as much to British workers supplying services to the continent as EU workers moving to the UK.

‘What restrictions are you intending to place on visa applications?’ asks the President of the Council.

‘Anyone can come to Britain as long as they have a job or a university place lined up.’
‘Highly qualified workers will have no trouble getting visas, but the goal is to stop the influx of low-skilled immigrants over the next few years.’

[Mr Shine]

Poles and Bulgarians with low level jobs were the biggest talking point that pushed the UK into Leave in the first place.

If our goal is to deliver some kind of Brexit this needs to be addressed, so "Highly qualified workers only". I assume this'll tank our goodwill though.