Crappy magic items

General questions, debates, and rants about RPGs

Moderator: Moderators

User avatar
erik
King
Posts: 5861
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Crappy magic items

Post by erik »

So, I'm thinking it might be fun someday to give adventurers a bunch of aborted magic items. Like they get the treasure trove from the dipshit who created owlbears. Kind of like cursed items drive adventurers to be creative, but these aren't maliciously bad.

Heward's Handy Haverpants
You put them on and your legs go to extra-dimensional space (just enough to comfortably hold your legs and feet. Lets you crawl around like a double amputee, or carry about 12 liters per leg (~50 pounds of stuff).

Murlynd's Beard
When this 3' long prosthetic beard is placed on a humanoid it becomes animate and responds to commands enabling the wearer to manipulate objects within 30' with the beard as via Mage Hand.

Nightcap
When donned this hat allows the user to be hasted when sleeping. This allows the user to gain a full night's 8 hours of sleep in only 4 hours time. This item only functions while the user is asleep.

Scribing Hand
This magic quill can be activated or deactivated via command words, and will write down everything spoken within audible range (30') if provided parchment or paper. It does not translate, but instead renders everything phonetically in Common.

Marvelous Pigment of Disguise
This makeup can be lathered on one's face to give a +20 bonus to Disguise solely for the purpose of appearing as another creature type, and divinations that can detect creature type will detect the user as that type of creature unless the caster succeeds on a caster level check vs DC 20. The user otherwise looks the same and is recognizable as themselves. Regenerates enough pigment to be used 5 times per day, and the effect lasts 8 hours or until the makeup is removed.

Rejection Stamp
This wooden stamp will Disintegrate any paper or parchment that it touches as the spell (Fortitude save DC 19, Caster level 11).

Headband of Muting
This headband has woolen ear covers and allows the user to subjectively silence noises from creature by pointing at them and uttering the command word, "Mute". The user can remove the silence by pointing and saying the command word, "Unmute". This silence only prevents sounds from the muted individual from reaching the wearer, as though they were in Silence area of effect.

Pocket Bard
This ioun stone can create inspiring sounds for different situations. It can be set to "Comedy", "Action", "Horror", or "Romantic" via command word. If the sounds are appropriate for the action then they will provide a morale bonus to any sentient creature who can hear it. Comedy creates a laugh track that gives +2 bonus to Perform checks using humor. Action creates exciting music and gives +2 bonus to attack. Horror creates spooky music and sounds that give +2 bonus to Intimidate or +2 DC on spells that cause fear. Romantic creates gentle melodic music that gives +2 bonus on charisma checks to gain affection. If the sounds are inappropriate then those hearing it gain a -2 penalty to their rolls from the annoying sounds (Will save DC 11 to be unaffected). There is no command word to turn it off, only to change modes.

I wants more.
Last edited by erik on Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Josh_Kablack
King
Posts: 5318
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Location: Online. duh

Post by Josh_Kablack »

An unnamed +2 to attack rolls in a non-slotted item is about as far from "crappy" as it is possible to get both 3e and 4e. There is literally no reason for any character not to have one plus their number of henchmen.
"But transportation issues are social-justice issues. The toll of bad transit policies and worse infrastructure—trains and buses that don’t run well and badly serve low-income neighborhoods, vehicular traffic that pollutes the environment and endangers the lives of cyclists and pedestrians—is borne disproportionately by black and brown communities."
User avatar
Leress
Prince
Posts: 2770
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Leress »

Potion of Know Direction.
Koumei wrote:I'm just glad that Jill Stein stayed true to her homeopathic principles by trying to win with .2% of the vote. She just hasn't diluted it enough!
Koumei wrote:I am disappointed in Santorum: he should carry his dead election campaign to term!
Just a heads up... Your post is pregnant... When you miss that many periods it's just a given.
I want him to tongue-punch my box.
]
The divine in me says the divine in you should go fuck itself.
User avatar
Prak
Serious Badass
Posts: 17340
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Prak »

In my second to last campaign, I had a player with a kobold artificer who would have loved Murlynd's Beard. He already wore a fake beard that I think he was planning on enchanting as a bag of holding.
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.
Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.
FrankTrollman wrote:In Soviet Russia, cosmic horror is the default state.

You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.
User avatar
Kaelik
ArchDemon of Rage
Posts: 14757
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Kaelik »

Josh_Kablack wrote:An unnamed +2 to attack rolls in a non-slotted item is about as far from "crappy" as it is possible to get both 3e and 4e. There is literally no reason for any character not to have one plus their number of henchmen.
The main reason I can think of is if you cast fear spells, in which case you should have 2+your number of henchmen.
DSMatticus wrote:Kaelik gonna kaelik. Whatcha gonna do?
The U.S. isn't a democracy and if you think it is, you are a rube.

That's libertarians for you - anarchists who want police protection from their slaves.
User avatar
OgreBattle
King
Posts: 6820
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 9:33 am

Post by OgreBattle »

Could you wear a bag of holding as underwear and not have to worry about taking your pants off to poo and pee?
User avatar
erik
King
Posts: 5861
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by erik »

Oops, I left out that Action is supposed to play exciting music the whole time. For all effects they are not ally-only. Anyone who ain't animal intelligence or mindless is affected.

The crunch isn't 100% laid out. Mostly I am trawling for silly item ideas. The crunch can come later. The bonuses for the Audible Companion Stone (Maybe I'll rename it to Pocket Bard. That's more pithy) aren't intended to be untyped. Morale seems most apt.
Omegonthesane
Prince
Posts: 3680
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:55 pm

Post by Omegonthesane »

While I'm sure it's been done before

Ring of Invisibility
On command, this ring casts Persistent Invisibility on itself. The wearer is unaffected.
Kaelik wrote:Because powerful men get away with terrible shit, and even the public domain ones get ignored, and then, when the floodgates open, it turns out there was a goddam flood behind it.

Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath, Justin Bieber, shitmuffin
User avatar
Prak
Serious Badass
Posts: 17340
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Prak »

I remember hearing a story about a ring that seemed like a flawed ring of invisibility, only affecting the digit it was on, but was actually a finger sized portal to the realm of Fae.

I think I heard about it hear, but I can't recall. Seems fitting.
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.
Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.
FrankTrollman wrote:In Soviet Russia, cosmic horror is the default state.

You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.
User avatar
Ice9
Duke
Posts: 1568
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Ice9 »

I like the level of usefulness/uselessness in these items. Often these lists are truly useless items, like the Ring of Invisibility there, and well ... they're not as funny in play, because even if the characters bother to keep them they have no reason to use them, and so the group forgets they even exist.

So, some items aiming at the same questionable but not completely absent level of utility:

Iron Gloves
Elbow-length gloves, made of what appears to be gray silk, but it never tears. On command, your hands and forearms gain the hardness of iron (10) - and also the flexibility of iron, ie. you can't move them (you can still move your arm from the elbow up).

Any-Length Staff
This 1' long staff can stretch up to 30' long, but it becomes thinner (and more fragile) the longer it reaches. At 5' long it's quite sturdy, but by 20' it's not suited to anything rough, and by 30' it won't support more than a few pounds. Should probably be fairly easy to repair, else it might be accidentally expended right off the bat.

Flying Disc
A 5' diameter (magically strengthened) glass disc, slightly concave. When activated, it must be given a direction - it will then move in exactly that direction (supporting up to 500 lbs) at a rate of 10'/round until deactivated. It can't be re-activated for one minute after use (plenty of time to fall to your death, if you deactivated it in mid-air), but can otherwise fly for as long as you want. If it runs into an obstacle it gets a Strength check result of 10 to push through it; if that fails it deactivates.
Last edited by Ice9 on Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
User avatar
Prak
Serious Badass
Posts: 17340
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Prak »

Any-Length Staff-
Give it the ability to absorb more wood as a way to repair it. Savvy players might actually notice and realize they can make it more useful this way by increasing it's extended thickness.
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.
Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.
FrankTrollman wrote:In Soviet Russia, cosmic horror is the default state.

You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.
Nebuchadnezzar
Knight-Baron
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:23 am

Post by Nebuchadnezzar »

Murlynd's Beard should double the efficacy of any eaten mush produced by a Murlynd's Spoon, via "soup-straining".

Ring of Elemental Polite Request: The ring's setting consists of a 1cm wide ring gate, which can be attuned to any of the Inner Planes, one at a time, as a standard action. Possible effects:
Water: Can produce a 4 liter/minute flow of water
Air/Steam: Can produce enough air for a Small wearer to breathe normally, which can either be inhaled directly through the gate's nozzle(in the case of Air) or allowed to fill a diving suit. Can blow up balloons in a snap, or press one's clothes.
Fire/Lightning/Magma: Can produce a short flame/spark/cinder, suitable for lighting pipes or campfires. Could inflict 1 hp/round damage if necessary.
Earth/Mineral: The ring setting is set with a 250 gp gem, which cannot be removed without destroying the ring.
Radiance: Flashlight, as a half range bullseye lantern
Ice: Can maintain a hot-only Endure elements effect via a cold compress, can produce 1L/minute ice cubes
Vacuum: Provides a +2 circumstance bonus against gas-based attacks, can vacuum seal perishable goods.
Smoke: Can produce plumes of smoke sufficient to make a vapebro jealous, no game mechanical effect
Dust/Ash/Ooze: can drizzle out 1kg/minute of selected substance
Salt:can shake out 1g/minute of table salt, can dessicate water @1L/5minutes
User avatar
JonSetanta
King
Posts: 5525
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Location: interbutts

Post by JonSetanta »

That beard is not so useless...
The Adventurer's Almanac wrote:
Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:25 pm
Nobody gives a flying fuck about Tordek and Regdar.
User avatar
Neurosis
Duke
Posts: 1057
Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2010 3:28 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know?

Post by Neurosis »

Murlynd's Beard is actually pretty baller. It is arguably better than the entire Arcane Trickster PRC lol.

What would you price it at, out of curiosity?
OgreBattle wrote:Could you wear a bag of holding as underwear and not have to worry about taking your pants off to poo and pee?
OgreBattle, what value of "worry" are we talking about here?

This entire line of questioning makes me more than a little worried about your own basic assumptions about pooing and peeing.

***

Edit: Speaking of "situationally useful at best", does anyone else remember the Boots of Blinding Speed from Morrowind?
Last edited by Neurosis on Wed Sep 21, 2016 6:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.
For a minute, I used to be "a guy" in the TTRPG "industry". Now I'm just a nobody. For the most part, it's a relief.
Trank Frollman wrote:One of the reasons we can say insightful things about stuff is that we don't have to pretend to be nice to people. By embracing active aggression, we eliminate much of the passive aggression that so paralyzes things on other gaming forums.
hogarth wrote:As the good book saith, let he who is without boners cast the first stone.
TiaC wrote:I'm not quite sure why this is an argument. (Except that Kaelik is in it, that's a good reason.)
User avatar
erik
King
Posts: 5861
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by erik »

It's a command activated level 0 spell CL2. So 1800 if it takes a slot, 3600 if slotless.

Edit: A bag of holding weighs 15-60 lbs, making it a rather poor diaper since I hope it weighs more than your shit.
Last edited by erik on Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
TiaC
Knight-Baron
Posts: 968
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:09 am

Post by TiaC »

Staff of Balance
This lesser version of a Immovable Rod does not hover in the air. Instead, it may be placed on any solid surface and given the order to balance, whereupon it will balance vertically on one end.

Bad Penny
This copper piece is "cursed". Once it has been picked up, the bearer cannot rid themselves of it. Whenever they take out any number of copper pieces, one of them will be the Bad Penny. (Varient: the Bad Penny is a poor forgery.)

Burning Earring
While wearing this earring, whenever someone within one mile of you speaks about you, you can hear their voice as if they stood next to you.
virgil wrote:Lovecraft didn't later add a love triangle between Dagon, Chtulhu, & the Colour-Out-of-Space; only to have it broken up through cyber-bullying by the King in Yellow.
FrankTrollman wrote:If your enemy is fucking Gravity, are you helping or hindering it by putting things on high shelves? I don't fucking know! That's not even a thing. Your enemy can't be Gravity, because that's stupid.
User avatar
Chamomile
Prince
Posts: 4632
Joined: Tue May 03, 2011 10:45 am

Post by Chamomile »

I like the Burning Earring. It's cool as a regular magic item and terrible as a cursed magic item.
TheFlatline
Prince
Posts: 2606
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 11:43 pm

Post by TheFlatline »

Zoloft's Depressing Lantern- When produced it lights up a 30' diameter circle of things not worth looking at/are of no interest.

The Rucksack/belt pouch of the everlasting cookie- The first item drawn out of this container is always a warm, fresh, chocolate chip cookie. Afterwards, characters have 1 minute to use the container as normal.
Last edited by TheFlatline on Wed Sep 21, 2016 11:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
User avatar
JonSetanta
King
Posts: 5525
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Location: interbutts

Post by JonSetanta »

TiaC wrote:Staff of Balance
This lesser version of a Immovable Rod does not hover in the air. Instead, it may be placed on any solid surface and given the order to balance, whereupon it will balance vertically on one end.

Bad Penny
This copper piece is "cursed". Once it has been picked up, the bearer cannot rid themselves of it. Whenever they take out any number of copper pieces, one of them will be the Bad Penny. (Varient: the Bad Penny is a poor forgery.)

Burning Earring
While wearing this earring, whenever someone within one mile of you speaks about you, you can hear their voice as if they stood next to you.
Useful, funny, and then OMFG give me one.
The Adventurer's Almanac wrote:
Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:25 pm
Nobody gives a flying fuck about Tordek and Regdar.
User avatar
JonSetanta
King
Posts: 5525
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Location: interbutts

Post by JonSetanta »

Tenser's Diaper

This item is slotted to your ass and weighs 1 pound. It retains 100 gallons of shit before exploding immediately, you disgusting fuck.
The Adventurer's Almanac wrote:
Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:25 pm
Nobody gives a flying fuck about Tordek and Regdar.
User avatar
Prak
Serious Badass
Posts: 17340
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm

Post by Prak »

Better-

Mordenkainen's Magnificent Plug
This item is a darkwood anal plug which, when used appropriately, eliminates the need to shit by disintegrating shit as your body creates it.
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.
Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.
FrankTrollman wrote:In Soviet Russia, cosmic horror is the default state.

You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.
TiaC
Knight-Baron
Posts: 968
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:09 am

Post by TiaC »

Featherbow
Whenever an arrow is fired from this bow, it turns into a bird. If fired more than 30', the bird turns aside to miss the target. Otherwise, the bird's impact deals half damage to both the target and the bird. Birds created by this item are permanent.

Seven-League Boots
Every step in these boots moves you exactly 21 miles in a straight line along the ground.
(If you step one way and try to step back the opposite way, being off by 1 degree puts you ~2000ft away from your start)

Amulet of Cat Mastery
While wearing this amulet, all cats (Animals only) will obey your commands. Due to their short attention span, they will forget any command after 1d6 rounds.

Ring of Presentation
While wearing this ring, provided that you have been wearing it for at least 24 hours, an Unseen Servant constantly follows you around, tidies your appearance and silently prods you to have perfect manners.

Scabbard of Stuff
Whenever you reach towards this scabbard, you may withdraw any weapon you are not proficient in. These weapons last until you cease holding them or become proficient. The scabbard may be enchanted as a weapon and bestows its enchantments on any weapon drawn from it.

Blindfold of Peek-a-boo
This may be worn as either a headband or a blindfold. While worn as either, creatures who you cannot see cannot see you.

Psychoactive Skin of Freezing
When activated, this skin is frozen in time for 1d6 rounds, protecting you from all that would harm you. You may not move while the skin is frozen, although you retain the use of your senses. The skin blocks line of effect in this form as well as line of sight from the outside. If attacked, treat it as a wall of force.

Boots of Bouncing
You get +10 on jump checks. In addition, when an effect other than your own movement moves you, you may move an equal distance directly away from any solid surface adjacent to the space you were moved to.

Wands of Floating Disk/Mount/Animate Rope/... (deregulated)
When you activate this wand, 1d6x5 charges are expended and the spell is cast that many times.

Freeze-dried Gelatinous Cube
This is a crystalline cube, 1 foot on a side. When dropped in at least 7,500 gallons of water, it turns into a Gelatinous Cube. (Versions exist for advanced or even templated Cubes as well.)

Claymore Mine
When this metal disk is thrown on the ground, it creates an extradimensional pit 10' across and 30' deep. At the bottom of the pit are dozens of greatswords of various size. Treat these like spikes if fallen on. (I'm not sorry)

Tongue Stud of Prehensility
While your tongue is pierced with this stud, you may cause it to grow to be up to 4' long. In this form, you cannot speak, but it may grasp items, albeit with a -4 penalty on all d20 rolls.

Sheet of Ghostliness
While you wear this sheet over you, you and all observers must make a will save (DC whatever) or believe you are incorporeal.

Seed of Furnishing
Upon command, this seed takes root and grows into a piece of furniture in one minute. If a second command is given, the furniture produces a flower that contains the seed before withering and collapsing.

Cloudwalk boots
You may treat all fogs, mists, clouds and steam as solid and able to support your weight if you choose to do so.

Obliging wand of (some offensive spell)
When you use this wand, the target may make all choices involved in casting the spell.
Last edited by TiaC on Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:52 am, edited 3 times in total.
virgil wrote:Lovecraft didn't later add a love triangle between Dagon, Chtulhu, & the Colour-Out-of-Space; only to have it broken up through cyber-bullying by the King in Yellow.
FrankTrollman wrote:If your enemy is fucking Gravity, are you helping or hindering it by putting things on high shelves? I don't fucking know! That's not even a thing. Your enemy can't be Gravity, because that's stupid.
User avatar
Stahlseele
King
Posts: 5974
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:51 pm
Location: Hamburg, Germany

Post by Stahlseele »

Kazari Blanket - Everything completely covered in this blanket keeps its exact temperature untill unwrapped. Available in different sizes, made from normal materials such as cloth, linen, leather etc.
Last edited by Stahlseele on Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:
TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.

Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
User avatar
JonSetanta
King
Posts: 5525
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Location: interbutts

Post by JonSetanta »

TiaC wrote: Claymore Mine
When this metal disk is thrown on the ground, it creates an extradimensional pit 10' across and 30' deep. At the bottom of the pit are dozens of greatswords of various size. Treat these like spikes if fallen on. (I'm not sorry)
I love it.
The Adventurer's Almanac wrote:
Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:25 pm
Nobody gives a flying fuck about Tordek and Regdar.
GâtFromKI
Knight-Baron
Posts: 513
Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:14 am

Post by GâtFromKI »

In Pathfinder there's this stuff. You can make a good use of it after the spell create pit.
Post Reply