[OSSR] Shackled City

[spongeknight]

A little late to the "goblin ears" conversation, but this was not something weird or unique in Dungeons and Dragons. Keep in mind that even in the Baldur's Gate video game, one of the NPCs offered to pay you for each bandit scalp you brought to her. She was an officer of essentially the city guard, and she payed you 50 gp per human scalp you brought her. It's not just a question of racism, scalping was seriously part of the setting.

[RelentlessImp]

A little late to the "goblin ears" conversation, but this was not something weird or unique in Dungeons and Dragons. Keep in mind that even in the Baldur's Gate video game, one of the NPCs offered to pay you for each bandit scalp you brought to her. She was an officer of essentially the city guard, and she payed you 50 gp per human scalp you brought her. It's not just a question of racism, scalping was seriously part of the setting.

Difference being, Baldur's Gate was an AD&D 2E version of the Forgotten Realms setting. In AD&D, monsters were not PCs. In D&D 3.5e, monsters *can* be PCs. That changes the conversation.

[Omegonthesane]

A little late to the "goblin ears" conversation, but this was not something weird or unique in Dungeons and Dragons. Keep in mind that even in the Baldur's Gate video game, one of the NPCs offered to pay you for each bandit scalp you brought to her. She was an officer of essentially the city guard, and she payed you 50 gp per human scalp you brought her. It's not just a question of racism, scalping was seriously part of the setting.

Difference being, Baldur's Gate was an AD&D 2E version of the Forgotten Realms setting. In AD&D, monsters were not PCs. In D&D 3.5e, monsters *can* be PCs. That changes the conversation.

You missed the key word "human" in "50 gp per human scalp". Pretty sure humans have always been PCs.

[Prak]

Well, it was bandits, but yes, the implication is that those bandits are human. Which, in addition to being horrific, is also stupid, because the npc has no real way of ensuring they're not scalps of random travelers. Like a bandit might bring in to get some extra money.

[tussock]

Hunting members of a particular tight social group because of that group's actions (in this case, murdering any and all passing travellers), is different to hunting people of an identifiable birth trait for no other reason than you can currently identify them.

Ears from the raiders who hit the outlying towns, who all happen to be Goblinoids because they're also quite racist, is fine. Collecting goblin ears in general because "everyone knows goblins are bad" is not fine. Having a bunch of local racists call for attacks on those particularly dangerous goblin raiders is still correct, but that's a stopped clock for you, sometimes bounties are the right answer.

[Chamomile]

That quest was part of the Baldur's Gate demo I played when I was something like eight years old. I remember even then thinking "wait, how do they know these are bandit scalps, specifically? Couldn't I scalp whoever I wanted and get paid for it?"

[Aharon]

That quest was part of the Baldur's Gate demo I played when I was something like eight years old. I remember even then thinking "wait, how do they know these are bandit scalps, specifically? Couldn't I scalp whoever I wanted and get paid for it?"

In principle, you could*, but it wasn't completely stupid. There wasn't a general policy of "whoever comes in with scalps gets money", but the main character is specifically approached because he helped deal with bandits (http://s1111.photobucket.com/user/HolyL ... 8.jpg.html).

If your reputation is too low, which happens when you kill random people, she will attack you (yes, you can buy reputation by donating to churches, which is stupid, but that's more costly than what you would get from Vai).

*Yes, random people also don't drop scalps, but I find the mechanism (Word of you killing random people gets around, and you aren't trusted anymore) halfway believable.

[hyzmarca]

Hunting members of a particular tight social group because of that group's actions (in this case, murdering any and all passing travellers), is different to hunting people of an identifiable birth trait for no other reason than you can currently identify them.

Ears from the raiders who hit the outlying towns, who all happen to be Goblinoids because they're also quite racist, is fine. Collecting goblin ears in general because "everyone knows goblins are bad" is not fine. Having a bunch of local racists call for attacks on those particularly dangerous goblin raiders is still correct, but that's a stopped clock for you, sometimes bounties are the right answer.

I'm reminded of the tailless rats of Hanoi. You see, Colonial French officials in Hanoi put a bounty on rat tails in an attempt to cull the rat population. Many people brought in tails, but the rat population remained steady, even climbing a little. The only oddity was that most of the city's rats were tailless.

This is because people took up rat catching as a means to supplement their income, but they were wise enough to know that killing the rats would hurt their bottom line in the future. Instead they used non-lethal traps, snipped off the tails, and let them go so that they could breed a new generation.

A similar thing happened in the British Raj. The government put a bounty on dead cobras to control the cobra population. The result was not a drop in the cobra population. The result was small cobra farms springing up all over the place. When they stopped making bounty payments, all the cobra farmers released their snakes into the wild.

Putting a bounty on goblin ears necessarily means more goblins, not fewer. Because people know how agriculture works.

The easiest way to do it is top make a deal with the goblins. They supply the ears, you take them to the captain, and you split the proceeds 50/50.

[RelentlessImp]

Okay, so, I promised ages ago that I would finish this, and I've been working up a proper hate-on to continue. Turns out that FedEx lost my new bedframe and wanted to wait until the twenty-fucking-sixth before they actually reported it as missing, so I just called the retailer and had them ship a new one out on FedEx's dime. Because missing your delivery date by a few days is okay; missing your delivery date by three fucking weeks is unacceptable. So now I have a brand new bed and nothing to put it on and I've been sleeping on my concrete floor for the past week and I am unbelievably hateful. So let's put this hate to good use, by tearing James Jacobs a new asshole for his shitty writing.

Chapter Three: Flood Season
By James Jacobs

Yeeeeees, you heard it here folks, the jackass who has ruined absolutely everything D&D is getting another shitting on by yours truly. And oh, boy, have I been looking forward to having the werewithal to do this.

Flood Season starts with nearly two fucking pages full of shit the players will not interact with. It basically boils down to "Winter is coming" (literally, not Games of Thrones-y) and that it's almost constantly raining to the point where there's a danger of flooding and destitute civilians living in ramshackle shacks around the lake are in danger of getting fucked up the ass by inclement weather. In fact, that very thing happened a few decades ago and all the major churches got together and put their heads together... to make wands of control water to control the flood waters.

It spends some time talking about experimenting with scrolls of control weather, but that plan was abandoned due to low-level clerics causing mishaps. Um. We're talking about low-level clerics, right? Using the standard array? Because then it's a NON FUCKING STARTER because you have to have the requisite Wisdom score (17) to even TRY to activate the fucking scroll. Unless they're using Use Magic Device, and I don't think they are because literally every D&D author aside from people here doesn't bother remembering that skill exists. Christ. One page in and we can't even get basic mechanics right for a FUCKING BACKSTORY. Good job, James. Really good job there.

Anyways all of this was 'decades past' and nobody really gives a shit except me because I'm reading this crap. I need booze. Anyways blah blah everything's great biscuits and tea all around then things are too good and the alliance between the churches weaken and only Pelor (THE BURNING HATE) and his church still support the inter-faith assembly that created the wands and now none of Pelor (THE BURNING HATE)'s clergy can make anymore because the inter-faith assembly is falling apart and they no longer have any clerics high enough level.

Anyways the high priest of the Church of St. Cuthbert apparently couldn't make 'enough wands' himself for the festival that's coming up to celebrate control over the flood waters and augh. NEWLY-CREATED WANDS HAVE FIFTY CHARGES. EVEN ONE WAND FROM EACH CHURCH WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH FOR LIKE, THREE CENTURIES. They made EIGHT! EIIIIIIIIGHT! Anyways, worry worry worry, high priest leaves, and heads for somewhere else to commission some wands of control water. Turns out the situation is being watched by a cult comprised of heretics from the Churches of Erythnul, Hextor, and Vecna, who believe those three are fragments of one deity and can be merged into one super-deity for them to worship. I wish I was making this up.

How does that even work? I mean, okay, I can see Erythnul and Hextor being similar enough that someone could believe that, they've both got that Strong Rule The Weak mentality going on, but fucking Vecna? Vecna doesn't give a shit. Vecna is the literal definition of not giving a shit. If someone espoused that Strong Rule The Weak shit at Vecna he would murder them and raise them as a mindless zombie just to prove a fucking point, and that point is 'Fuck you, bitch'.

One more thing I want to point out - there are 'official' churches of Hextor and Erythnul and Vecna in this thing. VECNA DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE CHURCHES, IT'S A GODDAMNED SECRET CULT. Anyways more backstory about the NPCs that we just don't care about, and that's ONE AND A HALF FUCKING PAGES of shit I have to rip to shreds. Buckle up kids, this is going to be a long fucking ride, through the looking glass after taking the red pill, going through Willy Wonka's tunnel and emerging screaming out the other side in Narnia.

ANYWAYS, moving on...

We have an encounter that was made up for this book because it's a tie-in to the adventure that didn't exist before this compilation, because it directly relates to ending Drekthar. A group of four asshole adventurers now have a foul view of the PCs doing something that benefits their city because stopping a bugbear vampire is much more impressive than stopping a shitty group of kobolds with your four-noble adventuring party. And to be antagonists, they want to... harass and mock the PCs publicly. You wanna know what that leads to? Getting fucking SHANKED. Why would you even want to engage people that took out a shitload of goblins and, oh yeah, A BUGBEAR VAMPIRE AT LEVEL 3 with your lame kobold-killing asses? YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING TERRIFIED, YOU TWATS, BECAUSE THE SCARIEST THING YOU'VE ENCOUNTERED ARE NON-TUCKER'S, NON-DRAGONWROUGHT KOBOLDS!

So, let's meet the antagonists.
Annah Taskerhill is a Chaotic Neutral female aristocrat 1/bard 3 who burned a feat on Exotic Weapon Proficiency (whip) and thus is completely useless against anyone wearing any armor. Her spell selection is atrociously bad for fighting PCs, because no MC wants to adjudicate charm person on PCs, ever. Dominate, sure, they just become Pokemon, but charm? Her other two first-levels are cure light wounds and expeditious retreat. Okay then. Even with 16 Charisma nobody gives a shit, Annah. She's black and has cornrows and is described really creepily in that 'stalking-my-crush-peeping-in-the-windows-from-the-bushes' kind of way. She deserves an Evil alignment because she sees people as tools and not, you know, people. She's definitely the 'Evil Seductress' trope in full in description.

Cora Lathenmire is a Chaotic Neutral female human aristocrat 1/swashbuckler 3. She is literally the worst kind of person, the kind who is ready to tear your throat out if you even intimate a slight towards her or her lover, Zachary. For some reason she has Power Attack despite being a Swashbuckler.

Todd Vanderboren is a Chaotic Evil male human aristocrat 1/rogue 3, whose feats are actually not bad choices except for Stealthy. He could have taken Two Weapon Fighting instead of that, and he could have made a decent threat with his +2d6 sneak attack. He's... wow. Okay. Now I see why he's the only Evil one. They went full, mustache-twirling evil with this kid. He wants to be a mob boss. No, really. Read this thing yourself if you don't believe me. He insults literally everyone and then 'cackles loudly and mockingly at their discomfort' and lusts after Annah. Someone get this fucker a white cat and a demand for one billion gold. Oh, and get this; he's adopted. This is about as subtle and nuanced as The Good Son.

Zachary Aslaxin II is a Chaotic Neutral male human aristocrat 1/ranger 2/cleric 1 - wow, that's impressively useless - and has an interesting typo where it says 'Size type' where it should say Medium Humanoid. Apparently his spell selection is to improve his AC, despite the fact that he wears armor and almost all the spells at that level are Armor bonuses. He's a brand-new Cleric of Kord who hasn't quite gotten with the program and is still hanging around with this bunch of low-lives. Oh, also, he plans to dump his long-time lover and go after the bard-girl.

...Something here smacks of apologeticism. Maybe it's just me.

Anyways the reason you're supposed to not kill these fuckers is they're all children of nobles, they have the ear of powerful people, and your PCs aren't supposed to want guards/hit squads sent after them. Their plan is to goad the PCs into attacking them first in public, but you know, I'm pretty sure even in fantasy-not!Europe there are laws about provocation and justifiable homicide. Hell, they're likely less stringent than modern laws about them. If Todd Vanderboren is played the way he's described, then no jury in the world would ever fucking convict people of killing him in this encounter.

Anyways, here we have a fucking issue that persisted to fucking Savage Tide - saying that there are consequences that are 'beyond the scope of this adventure'. Like, say, killing all four of these fuckers. Here, just... just read it for yourselves.

Once the battle is over, assuming the Stormblades survive, they continue to harbor a grudge against the PCs. If they lost, the humiliation of being beaten down in a public place further enrages them; if they won, their success emboldens them and convinces them that the PCs' fame is even more misplaced. If any members of the Stormblades are wounded with real damage or killed, the survivors vow to see the player characters imprisoned. Since each member of this group is the child of an influential member of Cauldron's upper class, the Stormblades' parents are more than willing to fund legal action against the PCs on behalf of their children. If all four members are killed, then parents and the guard press for the imprisonment and possible execution of the PCs. The extent of such legal actions are beyond the scope of this adventure, but they can haunt the party throughout their entire career in Cauldron if they don't handle the situation well.

tl;dr: You're stuck in Cauldron for the majority of this adventure path and this is an unavoidable encounter with long-reaching consequences that we're not going to actually tell you about that makes no sense in even the most stringent reading of 'medieval' law because they started shit IN PUBLIC WITH WITNESSES.

Also if you kill them they get raise dead cast on them because their parents are rich. I don't. I can't. How? FUCKING HOW?! THE ONLY CLERIC CAPABLE OF CASTING 4th-PLUS LEVEL SPELLS IN THE ENTIRE CITY HAS FUCKED OFF TO HAVE WANDS MADE. HOLY SHIT DID ANYONE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE BACKSTORY, OR IS IT JUST ME?!

Fuck this. I'll finish this in a few hours. Three and a half pages in and I have so much hate.

Edit to add: Here's our four antagonist fuckfaces:

[RelentlessImp]

Seeeeeeeeething. Goddamn. And this isn't going to get any better.

Here's where things get fucky; the PCs have a few days of downtime, during which the Flood Festival starts. This is basically supposed to be Cauldron's Mardi Gras, where people flock to the streets, merchants sell questionable meat out of street stalls, and alcohol flows like water that murdered the homeless population that one time.

Also, how is it an 'impromptu celebration' if this is something that happens every year? IT'S TRADITIONAL, NOT UNPLANNED, YOU FUCK. At least the PCs get to participate in some of these events - like a drinking contest. And the rules for this are fucking laughable. It's a six day contest that the PC has to participate in once per day, and it's a straight up contest against one other guy per day. DC 5 Con checks (which increase by +1 per drink) made in tandem, first one to fail loses. The participants are not described save for their Con mods (+0 on the first day, +1 on the second, all the way to +5 on the 6th), and winning nets the PC who wins the honor of going in on a drinking contest against Asshole Gummi - I mean, Lord Vhalantru. Oh, and a trophy worth 10gp and 30gp in money, and a +2 in Diplomacy made against Cauldron citizens - for how long? Who fucking knows, it doesn't say.

And here's an asspull that's I'm fairly certain has never been made before or since; Beholders can't get drunk. Their 'alien physiology' means they process alcohol with great efficiency. Okay, fine. Vhalantru can't lose. The MC is supposed to play up this fact by making fake rolls and making it seem like he's passing every check. Fine, great, regular kind of MC bluff. If the PC goes for 15 rounds or more, his fame is assured, and that diplomacy bonus rises to +6. Nevermind that making DC 20 Con checks is ... kind of insane at level 4.

Oh, and if the PC is immune to getting drunk - I'm guessing by being undead, or something similar - it goes to round fucking 50 after which Vhalantru allows the PC to collect half the 500gp reward money that has been put up for anyone who can beat Vhalantru in a drinking contest. And yes, I've spent too much time on this, BUT SO DID THEY.

Another event is the 'Crater Lake Monster Hunt', in which Cauldron's Academy student release hundreds of little boats and people leap into the lake to swim after them with wooden chits around their necks. One boat has a contingent illusion cast on it that when the chit is inserted into it, it creates an illusion of a GIANT KRAKEN that fills the lake and flails around and lines the person who put their chit in it with faerie fire. Winning nets the person who swam out there and found the boat gets 10gp.

The rules for this are stupid, but it's a kind of cool idea far more creative than the drinking contest. DC 10 Swim checks per round, succeeding gets you to a boat to slot your chit. D20 check, d20 check, and if both are 20s, they got the right boat and win. This contest lasts 1d10+10 rounds before someone besides the PC(s) participating wins.

Then there's the Bardic portion in which people get to start being street performers on the third day, in which over a portion of 3 months someone can spend 8 hours a week, making a total of 12 Perform checks in hopes of attracting a wealthy patron. If the total of the checks exceeds 200... what. Okay, let's assume a Bard, with 18 Charisma, and maxed ranks (7). That's a total of 11. So that's a base of 132. That's 68, which means every check has to at least roll a 5 with many higher. Anyways if it exceeds 200 the person attracts a wealthy patron who invites them and the party to a private party which the PC is expected to Perform again with a +2 bonus for every 10 points their THREE MONTHS of checks exceeded 200. Multiply the result by 20, and get that many GP; DC 25 means you get a +2 Diplomacy and Gather Information with people of Cauldron.

I just... this is stupidly tone-deaf. The PCs are fucking ADVENTURERS, and while they may be spending the entirety of this adventure path in Cauldron and its surroundings, THREE FUCKING MONTHS?! I point you again to the XP charts, the Encounters Per Day expectation, and the fact that in three fucking months, nobody is probably going to give a shit about a few thousand gold pieces and a piddly shit +2 bonus. That's a lot of fucking effort for VERY LITTLE GAIN. Six days, okay, fine, but THREE GODDAMNED MONTHS?! Holy stupid writers, Batman! NOBODY is going to spend 3 months for BASICALLY NOTHING.

The last spelled out event is an invitation-only Ball. The PCs are invited, of course, because they've caught Aslaxin I's eye - unless they killed Aslaxin II, I guess? Or if Aslaxin II got spanked and sent away, Aslaxin II convinces Aslaxin I to invite them for... I don't know. Reconciliation? It's a masquerade ball and it's stupid. The invitations have symbols that tell people what to dress up as; a mountain means dress as one of the Founders of Cauldron, and a crater means dress as a demon, and a crater with a claw rising out of it means dress as Nabthatoron. This is where the backstory means something, and I don't care. If a PC is invited they're supposed to be Nabthatoron and have a mock battle with Aslaxin I dressed as Surabar and then take a fall when struck with his staff and I don't care and neither should you. Nothing mechanical comes out of this despite the Nabthatoron being the center of attention among the who's who of Cauldron.

There's a brief blurb about other booth games that cost 1sp to play and are Str or Dex checks, DC 20, and wins 5gp or 1d6x5 if they beat the check by 5 or more. Not even 4th level characters give a shit about this tiny amount of money, and you're only allowed to win five 'grand prizes' before the booth owners won't let you play anymore.

Mind you, if you've got a Warforged along, and he can make DC 20 checks relatively easily without beating them by 10, he can make 5gp per minute or so 24/7 and end the week 50,400gp richer. So again, Warforged break this thing in fucking HALF. (And need I remind you that MM III is one of the recommended companion books to this piece?)

Anyways, that's the festival, and you don't care. Your PCs don't care. Nothing about it is all that interesting and it's immediately preceded by being attacked. So fuck it.

At some point during the Festival, the PCs are summoned by Jenya Urikes to the Temple of St. Cuthbert. They find out she's gotten a message from Sarcem Delasharn, the High Priest of the temple, which she shows to them thusly:



In a surprising amount of actual, you know, THOUGHT, the conversation was carried out via sending and Jenya was just writing down the message and reply - and holy shit, they're both 25 words. ACTUAL ADHERENCE TO THE RULES FROM JAMES JACOBS. My heart, it may give out from shock. Also the last bit was supposed to be "Have faith" but she ran out of words.

She wants the PCs to ride out to the Lucky Monkey, which you may remember (I'll forgive you if you don't) is something like 25 miles away from Cauldron itself. Jenya will answer some questions, like 'what the fuck'. She will inform them about Sarcem's mission to get control water wands, which he purchased eight of, which he went to Sasserine to retrieve. She will offer 5,000gp (total) if they go do this if they aren't already out the door to rescue Sarcem. She can also give them mounts and a potion of cure moderate wounds each.

Death at the Lucky Monkey
As you may guess from the title of this section, quantum timekeeping comes in again. Even if the PCs take the most direct route, or shit, I don't know, just get a teleport* the PCs arrive too late and Sarcem is dead. Sigh. Just once I wish clever thought like, I dunno, INSTANTLY TRANSPORTING THERE would be acknowledged.

*By the PHB it's (Caster Level)*50gp for a 5th level spell, making it a 450gp expenditure to just buy a teleport to take them to the Lucky Monkey. And if the annoying noble brats can get a raise dead despite the highest level cleric in the city being GONE and now DEAD, then there should be a fucking Wizard who can teleport the PCs there instantaneously.

The Lucky Monkey is a 43-room dungeon, and long story short, Sarcem's dead, the proprietor's dead, the guests are dead, everybody's dead, Dave. There are a lot of fucking baboons among these bandits ransacking the place, including a fucking half-orc WEREBABOON, a lot of hillfolk... yeah, okay. The only person left alive is Shensen Tesseril, a female half-drow monk 2/bard 1/druid 3 and I don't even fucking know what that multiclass combination even IS, but she's still the most effectively-built NPC we've seen so far. All she really needs is to ditch that bard level and one monk level and she'll have fucking Wild Shape and be the most combat-efficient NPC in this book to date. Shensen is one of the Striders of Fharlanghn, who has been taking care of the Shrine to Fharlanghn in the Lucky Monkey - and is currently hiding in the last room, is a romance option, and has 2 HP when the PCs run across her, and covered the door to the well room with brown mold. Rescuing her means she's grateful and that she has to contact Meerthan, but... wait. No?

Remember what I said about Striders having a telepathic bond with Meerthan? SHE COULD HAVE MADE HER REPORT WHILE THE ATTACK WAS HAPPENING, YOU FUCKING HACK. IT HAS UNLIMITED FUCKING RANGE UNLESS HE'S OFF-PLANE. Anyways she gives them boots of striding and springing for rescuing her.

Also, if the goddamned noble brats could be raised, why can't Sarcem? He's (almost) whole; his corpse is just missing its tongue, and his head is detached from his body. I mean, okay, the werebaboon eating his tongue stops speak with dead but I'm sure there's a scroll of regeneration somewhere in the Temple of St. Cuthbert so you can totally raise him, then regenerate his tongue, and have fucking information. Is this addressed anywhere? TAKE A WILD GUESS, BUDDY.

Augh. Too much ragesepsis again. Here, I'll leave you with the art for Shensen.


I thought she was supposed to be half-drow. Those ears are way too elfy for a half-elf.

[hogarth]

A group of four asshole adventurers now have a foul view of the PCs doing something that benefits their city because stopping a bugbear vampire is much more impressive than stopping a shitty group of kobolds with your four-noble adventuring party. And to be antagonists, they want to... harass and mock the PCs publicly. You wanna know what that leads to? Getting fucking SHANKED.

Your experience of city adventures is much different than mine. In my experience, having a party of low-level adventurers murdering a bunch of prominent citizens because of a little harassment is something that would get you hunted down by the higher-level citizens in town.

My players loved to hate the NPC adventuring group. As a player, I think it's usually fun to have NPC rivals, at least if they're less competent than the PCs so that you get a chance to feel smug.

[RelentlessImp]

Your experience of city adventures is much different than mine. In my experience, having a party of low-level adventurers murdering a bunch of prominent systems because of a little harassment is something that would get you hunted down by the higher-level citizens in town.

Honestly it's just lazy writing. It's like the asshole noble in Savage Tide during the fucking trip to the Isle of Dread. First he makes trading with locals more difficult by trying to buy a native girl, and then after the boat ride turns into a whiny little bitch in a survival situation in which there are no-shit T-Rexes and other dinosaurs with good Listen checks that can and will attack you and you have actual people you might like to protect.

If the only reason protagonists can't fucking kill someone no matter what they do is because of who their parents are then that's lazy writing.

[RelentlessImp]

Moving on. The priority now becomes the recovery of the wands of control water, which still makes no fucking sense if there are people in this city capable of casting raise fucking dead. The city has over 5 million GP in resources, and there are other good-aligned Clerics in the city who might even cast it for free. Anyone who can cast raise dead has a minimum of 2 4th level spell slots to use control water on, and it lasts for a minimum of 80 minutes each time. You can't have it both ways, James Jacob - you can't say 'well there are clerics who can cast 'raise dead' for rich parents but the only way to control the flood waters are wands' because that's not how it works. You're writing for a straight up high magic setting, USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN.

Leads towards finding the control water wands include Divinations (from Jenya's 1/week Star of Justice use) that are supposed to steer the PCs towards a fence named Artus; Locate Object points the PCs towards the Kopru Ruins under Cauldron, about 550ft down; Speak with Animals/Plants near the Lucky Monkey has a 5% chance of getting a description of one of the thieves (Triel, "bright red hair and face marks and shiny spiky metal skin"), and speak with dead with the bandits can get some information, as can interrogating the baboons.

Also Tongueater (one of the bandits) had a holy symbol that combines Erythnul, Hextor and Vecna, and a DC 25 Knowledge (religion) check can reveal the existence of the Ebon Triad cult, though they're not supposed to be in Cauldron (despite there having been a cell a few decades ago). Any prisoners taken in the Lucky Monkey raid can be interrogated, who can only tell them who hired them - Triel. If for some reason you captured Tongueater alive, you can find out about the existence of the Kopru ruins.

Shensen doesn't have much information, but just the existence of Triel gives them a DC 25 Knowledge (local) or bardic knowledge check, or DC 21 Gather Information to figure out who she is - a one-time town guard who murdered lots of guards on duty and escaped justice. Almost ten years ago.

You can investigate the other Churches if you're suspicious about why they can't spare the clerics that can raise the noble brats to cast control water. The Shrine of Pelor apparently was unknowledgeable about it but pledges help to Jenya; the Church of Kord's current high priest is a dick who tries to shift the blame onto the clerics of Wee Jas and also wants to bury his head in the sand regarding the flood waters (even though the weather is supposed to be inclement enough to make anyone with a smidgen of Wisdom believe it's going to flood); the Cathedral of Wee Jas wants to pretend that nothing is wrong.

Eventually all this shit leads the PCs to either find or be noticed by Artus, or to the Kopru ruins. Artus sends them a note:



If the PCs do as the note asks, for 500gp Artus will tell them that Triel joined the Cult of the Ebon Triad, and that they stole the wands and are planning to ransom them back to Cauldron. Their base of operations is in subterranean ruins beneath Cauldron, which he gives them a map to find an entrance to. Something fucking straightforward, finally.

The Kopru Ruins

I'm going to go ahead and say it; this is the most straightforward dungeon crawl I've ever seen in an Adventure Path. It has 56 rooms, and the PCs are nominally still 4th level at this point. The point is to find the wands of control water; to do so they have to fight through a bunch of thugs (Alleybashers) and take down each of the three Cultists still in here, who you don't fight all at once because that would actually be interesting.

The first one you encounter is Skaven Umbermead:



This is supposed to be a halfling diviner 7, but can we get some fucking attention paid to this image? Halflings look like human children, more or less - they don't have pointy ears. That is a picture of a very thick elf or a fucking gnome. Anyways Skaven comes with a Medium Air Elemental and tries to run away to the Harpoon Spider in another section of the dungeon.

The second is Triel Eldurant, who the PCs have been chasing after:



If the base isn't alert, they find Triel naked, in her quarters, in her hot spring pool; if someone goes in there alone she tries to seduce them, which, fair do, I'd be all over that, if I weren't an adventurer who had come here to kick ass and take names. If more than one person enters she attacks them despite being naked, and if you defeat her this way she's worth 20% less experience because 'of her lowered armor class'. She's a Fighter 4/Cleric of Hextor 3.

The final Cultist is Tarkilar, who is actually a legitimately interesting concept:

A gnoll huecuva cleric of Vecna 4; and may I say that huecuva don't work this way. Apparently dying in an explosion and a partially-complete necromantic ritual raising you is enough to drain you of 3 levels of Cleric. Honestly I'd just throw a Cleric 7 at the PCs because the other Cultists they've fought have had 7 hitdie. Anyways, Tarkilar is actually interesting because he's undead, he's got multiple personality disorder, and has been plotting against the other cultists. There's a hidden quasit, Gutterut, who watches the battle, and follows the PCs invisibly if they win and tries to cause mischief.

And, throughout this complex, the PCs are finding the eight wands of control water that Sarcem commissioned; one is in the gnome halfling wizard's quarters, one is on Skaven himself, one is with the harpoon spider he tries to flee to, one is in a water pit hidden by an illusion filled with a bloodbloater ooze swarm; Triel has three of them; and one of them is with Gutterut the Quasit in Tarkilar's chambers.

There is one more encounter 'of interest'; a goddamned kopru being attacked by something it can't kill alone, who uses its 1/day dominate effect to turn a PC into its Pokemon that then tries to convince the party to rescue him, and then turns on the PCs because it wants to kill and eat them. Sigh. Stupid Evil, raising its head again...

So if the PCs recover all eight wands, quantum timekeeping again because they return to Cauldron just as the place is about to flood. It takes 1d4+4 hours to control the flood waters, -1 hour per two wands they recovered, and drains 80 total charges from the wands. Um. Seriously? 80 charges? Considering the spell lasts a minimum of 70 minutes from a wand?

Anyways, saving the city is worth 5,000gp. And... it literally ends right fucking there after the PCs get paid.

It should be pretty clear I have so many fucking issues with this one, because James Jacob is a fucking hack. How he continued writing after this piece of shit I don't fucking know. How to improve it? Well... maybe by nixing the asshole kids because their very existence and the chance of their death obviates the need to find the control water wands, because of the existence of clerics who can cast raise dead! Maybe by actually paying attention to the rules for the fucking BACKSTORY that YOU WROTE because you can't have a mishap if you can't activate a scroll in the first fucking place - 17 Wisdom is *rare*, PC and Elite NPC with class levels territory, not shithead novices using the standard array. Also, VECNA DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING CHURCHES, YOU TWAT.

Agh. Just so much of this is wrong at a basic mechanics level that it's boring at best, and nonsensical at worst. It makes me *fucking weep*. Or want to set this adventure on fire.

[TOZ]

One point, the one other cleric that can raise dead is the priestess of Wee Jas and one of the bad guys. (And maybe her second in command. Also a bad guy.)

[Starmaker]

In a surprising amount of actual, you know, THOUGHT, the conversation was carried out via sending and Jenya was just writing down the message and reply - and holy shit, they're both 25 words. ACTUAL ADHERENCE TO THE RULES FROM JAMES JACOBS. My heart, it may give out from shock. Also the last bit was supposed to be "Have faith" but she ran out of words.

Why is the handwriting different?

has 2 HP when the PCs run across her, and covered the door to the well room with brown mold. Rescuing her means she's grateful and that she has to contact Meerthan, but... wait. No?

Remember what I said about Striders having a telepathic bond with Meerthan? SHE COULD HAVE MADE HER REPORT WHILE THE ATTACK WAS HAPPENING, YOU FUCKING HACK. IT HAS UNLIMITED FUCKING RANGE UNLESS HE'S OFF-PLANE.

She's on his bracelet of friends, too.

[RelentlessImp]

In a surprising amount of actual, you know, THOUGHT, the conversation was carried out via sending and Jenya was just writing down the message and reply - and holy shit, they're both 25 words. ACTUAL ADHERENCE TO THE RULES FROM JAMES JACOBS. My heart, it may give out from shock. Also the last bit was supposed to be "Have faith" but she ran out of words.

Why is the handwriting different?

You know, that's a pretty damned good question.

[TOZ]

That plays so well with my Austin groups joke theory that Jenya was actually Jil the Assassin all along.

[Aryxbez]

Beholders can't get drunk. Their 'alien physiology' means they process alcohol with great efficiency.

I think someone needs to tell this artist if that's the case (upper left).

[Maxus]

Beholders can't get drunk. Their 'alien physiology' means they process alcohol with great efficiency.

I think someone needs to tell this artist if that's the case (upper left).

Maybe he likes the taste. Or he's trying really hard.

[Prak]

How does that even work? I mean, okay, I can see Erythnul and Hextor being similar enough that someone could believe that, they've both got that Strong Rule The Weak mentality going on, but fucking Vecna? Vecna doesn't give a shit. Vecna is the literal definition of not giving a shit. If someone espoused that Strong Rule The Weak shit at Vecna he would murder them and raise them as a mindless zombie just to prove a fucking point, and that point is 'Fuck you, bitch'.

I want a "Not Giving a Shit" domain, now.

Oh, and if the PC is immune to getting drunk - I'm guessing by being undead, or something similar - it goes to round fucking 50 after which Vhalantru allows the PC to collect half the 500gp reward money that has been put up for anyone who can beat Vhalantru in a drinking contest. And yes, I've spent too much time on this, BUT SO DID THEY.

...I need to find someone to run this for me, because I already know my character. Warforged Cleric of Vecna with the "Not Giving a Shit" domain. And I'll fucking retrofit myself to have a boiler and smokestacks and convince Vhalantru to go until one of us can't drink anymore. And just wait for the sheer volume of liquid to deal with the beholder.

[hyzmarca]

Here's a question that is sort of important. What the hell happens if you deliberately decide to let Cauldron flood?

[Prak]

Depends on whether you can convince the GM to stick your unlubed dick in the Book of Vile Darkness' Sacrifice rules...

[TOZ]

Here's a question that is sort of important. What the hell happens if you deliberately decide to let Cauldron flood?

404 Adventure Not Found

[RelentlessImp]

Here's a question that is sort of important. What the hell happens if you deliberately decide to let Cauldron flood?

Not addressed. Also not addressed is if you haven't recovered enough wands to have 80 charges to spend, though since one of the lieutenants is carrying 3 of the damn things, that's kind of a moot point, but it could still happen.

I want a "Not Giving a Shit" domain, now.

No Shits Given Domain
Granted Power: You can prepare any of your Domain spells as regular spells; treat them as being on the regular Cleric spell list. Yes, this means ALL of your Domain spells.
1: 2E sanctuary (sanctuary with no save allowed)
2: protection from arrows
3: nondetection
4: globe of invulnerability, lesser
5: freedom of movement
6: globe of invulnerability
7: true seeing
8: forcecage
9: wish

[erik]

Beholders can't get drunk. Their 'alien physiology' means they process alcohol with great efficiency.

I think someone needs to tell this artist if that's the case (upper left).

Considering that his two companions are snacking on blood and a brain, it's not unreasonable that it's drinking something likewise non-alcoholic... or nearly pure alcohol.

can we get some fucking attention paid to this image? Halflings look like human children, more or less - they don't have pointy ears.

Art seems split on it, but not evenly. Lidda sometimes gets the pointy ears.



But yeah, usually they aren't pointy. I did find it interesting that in Dragon 285 they de-pointified a halfling's ears from an Elmore picture to use as their cover for a Halfling-centric issue.