I made something horrible (no, it's not a baby)

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Shrapnel
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I made something horrible (no, it's not a baby)

Post by Shrapnel »

Okay, so like, consider this an experiment, if you will.

Right. A while back I was reading Ash Vs. Skeletor, a glorious bit from X-Entertainment, and I got motivated to do something similar. At first, I tried to mimic X-E's style, but I realized that I couldn't do that, so I did my own thing. It's a... well, it's not really a comic, but it has pictures (well, photos of action figures) and text and it's done in a similar vein.

I know it's stupid and probably not very funny, but it's just supposed to be a silly little thing, and I managed to entertain myself making it, and hopefully you'll be entertained too.

So, bearing all that in mind, I give unto you...
EXHAUST VS. PHILIP MORRIS


Image

Megastorm: Say, Exhaust, you wanna go see a movie?

Exhaust: Sure. What’s playing?

Megastorm: There’z a new Michael Bay film out called Humans: Age of Holocene.

Exhaust: Bay, eh? How much you wanna bet the film focuses entirely on robots instead of the titular humans?

Megastorm: Well, Ty Burr gave it -200 stars because it wasn't pretentious and artsy, which is higher than he scored Guardians of the Galaxy.

Exhaust: Oh, alright. I guess I could use a laugh. Hey, by the way… what the hell is up with your face, Megs?

Image

Megastorm: I had an accident applying guyliner. I don’t really want to talk about it.

MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE, NOT HERE BUT SOMEWHERE ELSE…

Image

André Calantzopoulos: Ah, I am so fucking evil. You can tell because I have two Cylons as my Imperial Guard.

Cylons: ASYOUCOMANDZZZXZZXZXZ0010000100111010101101100011000100110000101110011011000010111010101110010garble

André: OH HO HO HO! Too right.

Image

Drago Azinovic: Laird Calanti— Calamari— er, no, Cantrip— erm…

André Calantzopoulos: It’s Calantzopoulos, idiot.

Drago: Oh, aye. Och! I remember what I was gunna say...

André:

Drago:

André: WELL?!

Drago: Oh! Aye.

Image

Drago: EXHAUST HAS GOTTEN INTO THE STATES!

Image

André: My god…

Image

André: Quickly! Summon Galvatron! Also, why are you shirtless?

Drago: Och, I just came back from my day job as a male prostitute...

Image

Galvatron: BWAH! WHO HAS SUMMONED ME?! BWAH!

André: We did, Almighty Galvatron. We need you to destroy Exhaust.

Galvatron: Bwah! Why? Bwah!

André: <Lie> He said 4e sold better than Pathfinder.

Image

Galvatron: *INARTICULATE RAGE NOISES!*

Image

Galvatron: RAAAAARRRR!!!

Drago: OOOOCCCCHHHH!

André: You bastards! You killed Drago!

Galvatron: GALVATRON SMASH! GALVATRON AWAY!

Image
(He's supposed to be flying, by the way.)

Galvatron: Eei, Cybertron wo hineri-tsubuse!

MEANWHILE, AN ELSEWHERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THERE…

Image

Exhaust: Well, Bay did not disappoint. I absolutely hated that movie.

Megastorm: Yeah, it was pretty shit.

Image

Megastorm: HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT!?!

Image

Galvatron: Washi no kobun ni naran noka!

Exhaust: Huh?

Galvatron: Prepare to die, Pathfucker!

Exhaust: Oh, it’s just some crazy French person.

Galvatron: Fight me, Hitler-spawn!

Exhaust: He just pulled a Godwin! Alright, it’s time to put the beat down on yo foo’ ass!

Image

Exhaust: And like any good Pokémon trainer, I shall send only my Pokémon into danger! So, with that in mind, I choose…

Image

Exhaust: MEGASTORM!

Megastorm: Wait, what? Oh, well, I need to punch something to get the taste of Bay out of my mouth.

SFX: Tsche-chu-chu-chu-tsche!

Image

Megastorm: Check it! Tank mode, bitches! And yes, it does say “BIG STICK” on my massive shaft!

Galvatron: Oh rlly?

SFX: Tsche-chu-chu-chu-tsche!

Image

Galvatron: Behold! I turn into a tank/turret/space thing!

Megastorm: Okay, then! It’s gonna be battle of the ag—

SFX: BLAMMO!

Image

Megastorm: ...aw, hell...

Galvatron: Ahhahahaha! Is that all you got? IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? BRING IT, MAH MUGGA!

Image

Exhaust: KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!! Shit, man, he owed me thirty shanix!

Image

Exhaust: Okay, Galvatron! You officially messed with the wrong Lancia “Group 5” Stratos Turbo! Prepare yourself…

Image

Exhaust: … for my greatest spell! I CAST…

Image

Exhaust: THE OTHER SHOE DROPS!

SFX: SPLAT!

Galvatron: O! A hit! A very palpable hit! Zounds, I am slain!

Exhaust: I win, mugga!

MEANWHILE YET AGAIN, SOMEWHERE ELSE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM THE PREVIOUS TWO WHERES…

Image

Bertrand Bonvin: Lord André! My Little Pony hasn’t been renewed for another season!

André: NOOOOOOOOO!!!1!

Bertrand: Oh, and Galvatron failed. Exhaust lives still.

André: Shit! I am not a happy meal! Very well. We must tell the Chairman, who is scheduled to parasitically rape my head any minute now.

Image

André: Ahhh… Right on time.

Louis C. Camilleri: NYALGRATHORP FGHTANG THULUKHAN MYAGORP THBBBTT! OH HO HO HO!

To possibly be continued. Or maybe not. You can never rely on some people, can you?
So there it is. Tain't much, but I thought it was fun. If this is popular enough (i.e. people don't tell me it's a steaming pile of shit), I might make more.
Last edited by Shrapnel on Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by ...You Lost Me »

It wasn't bad.
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Post by Eikre »

viewed topic expecting birth announcement.

oh well.
This signature is here just so you don't otherwise mistake the last sentence of my post for one.
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Post by Shrapnel »

...You Lost Me wrote:It wasn't bad.
You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that. I'm being serious here.
Eikre wrote:viewed topic expecting birth announcement.

oh well.
Ryan Reynolds wrote:When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
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Post by angelfromanotherpin »

I think it was a steaming pile and you should make more anyway.
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Post by AndreiChekov »

I logged in just to comment on this.
I laughed twice.
Which is about 2 more times than I normally do for this sort of thing.
Continue.
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Post by Josh_Kablack »

Thie following commentary is inappropriatefor the Den:

I can say with conviction that it is not a steaming pile of shit.
Last edited by Josh_Kablack on Sat May 02, 2015 7:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by TiaC »

Josh_Kablack wrote:Thie following commentary is inappropriatefor the Den:

I can say with conviction that it is not a steaming pile of shit.
Well, no, shit dries out pretty fast. So, something can only be a steaming pile of shit for a few minutes, an hour at most.
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Post by radthemad4 »

The pictures didn't load when I first read it (I blame it on my browser). It's a lot better with them even though I still don't who most of these beings are. Moar!
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Post by Shrapnel »

To fill the interim between installments, here's some random trivia to help with any debaffling.

If your wondering why the "comic" just stops, it's because I couldn't think of what the brain parasite thingy should say, which is why it speaks gibberish, and, not knowing where to go from there, called it a day. (Yes, it's a cop out, but don't worry, the next one won't be. Probably.)

I don't know if you can tell, but the background is a couch in my living room. I tried really hard not to show anything else beyond that, mostly because I felt like it. That's why some shots are at weird angles.

All of the bad guys ('cepting Galvatron) are the actual top brass of Philip Morris, parent company of Marlboro. (I am certain that Drago is a male prostitute, for two reasons: he's European.)

As for why they don't like Exhaust, I refer you here.

(Basically, Exhaust's car mode deco is based off of a real-life race car, which had Marlboro sponsoring on it. When Masterpiece Exhaust was announced, Philip Morris got it's panties in a twist over the fact that it used their corporate markings, and threatened legal action against any Western sellers from, well, selling it. They even went so far as trying to prevent Asian sellers from selling it in the US., which means that Japan is the only place it's legal to buy, sell, and own the toy. Fortunately, I got mine off of eBay sometime before this kerfuffle, and I'm probably the only person on the East Coast who has the toy. Anyway, all of this increased my already intense dislikenment of Marlboro and PM, since they were trying to prevent honest, red-blooded American fans from having an awesome toy.)

If anyone was wondering who the actual figures are, they are, in order of appearance:

- Transformers Masterpiece Exhaust
- Transformers Beast Wars II Megastorm
- GI Joe: Retaliation Bruce Willis Joe Colton
- Some Cylons (I got them a looong time ago at a comic convention)
- G1 Zartan (v12) (from a comic three pack)
- e-Hobby exclusive Galvatron II
- S.H. Figuarts Sailor Uranus
- D-Arts Venusaur
- Gray Hulk from one of the Marvel 3 1/4" lines
- Aaand a brain parasite thingy from LEGO Hero Factory (aka not-Bionicle)

(I just realized that almost half of these I got from Japan via eBay or other online stores.)

Oh, and by the way, "Eei, Cybertron wo hineri-tsubuse!" translates to "Hrr--crush the Autobots!" (Cybertron is the Japanese name for Autobots), and "Washi no kobun ni naran noka!" translates to "You will be my servant!" Both of these phrases are sound clips that the Galvatron II toy plays.

If there are any questions, ask 'em. I love doing this kinda stuff.
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Post by Shrapnel »

(I apologize for the terrible fan-fic, but I felt the need to share.)

E's Big Day
An Earthbound Fan-Fic
By shrapnel

|1|
Belch's Base
"Hey! Get yer tubby butt over here and carry this to Master Belch!"
The slimy little pile handed Foppy number E a large jar filled with a noxious looking yellow liquid. "That's the latest batch of Fly Honey! Make sure ya don't drop it!" E buckled under the weight of the jar. "Why are you making me carry it? I have no arms!" The slimy little pile grinned, toxically bad breath emanating from it's mouth. "Cuz I'm the boss of you and you gotta do what I tell you, that's why. Now... MOVE!" The slimy little pile gave E a shove, and he nearly toppled over. Miraculously, he managed to get his balance just before the jar fell. He made his way over to the ladder leading down to Belch's room, stumbling and nearly tripping the whole way. One of the Mr. Saturn's working the production line looked at E quizzically. "Boing? How do you carry jar with no arms?" E stopped, considering this. "Y'know, I haven't the faintest clue." And he continued on his way.

Finally he made it to Master Belch's room, where the noxious pile of bile was waiting. "Buuurp! Finally! Place the jar here." He gestured with a pseudopod comprised of things best unmentioned. Just as E was about to place the jar, he tripped, sending the jar spinning into the air. He watched helplessly as the jar whirled through space, seemingly in slow motion. Finally it smashed against the floor, sending shards of glass and splashes of fly honey everywhere.

A silence deeper and truer than any E had ever known descended upon the room. Minutes stretched into hours. Empires rose and fell. Molecular clouds formed stars that collapsed and went supernova. The universe succumbed to it's inevitable heat death.

"You dropped my honey. Gyork." Belch finally said, in a voice that was quite a flat. Somehow, this filled E with more terror than if Belch had roared and screamed. "You know what happens when people drop my honey." A statement of fact, not a question. "I get upset. I get angry. And when I get angry... people die." E was sobbing. "Please, great and masterful Geppu-sama, forgive me!"

"Heeg! Heeg! Heeg! No, I think not. Now, prepare to feel the pain of true nausea!" Belch opened his quite frankly disgusting mouth, and let loose a tremendous expulsion of gas, which caught E right square in the middle. The smell of the sinister belch launched E with such force that he crashed through the ceiling, blasting off into the sky until nothing could be seen of him except a twinkling gleam. Belch began to laugh. "Garg! Ga! Garg! Gha ha ha! Ghe he he! God I'm evil." At that moment, Ness and his pals burst into his room, ready to do battle, free the Mr. Saturn's, and de-zombifie Threed...

... but this story ain't 'bout Ness.
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Post by Shrapnel »

.:2:.
&#9834;Flying through the air, higher than anyone else has ever goooonnnee...&#9834;

As E was flying through the air, he realized that he was sick of being a weak underling of angry, nasty people. He decided, as he passed through the upper thermosphere, that he would strike out on his own and become a hero, like the kind that were often featured in video games and Sunday Supplement. He would get strong and beat Master Belch, and finally get some respect.

When he began to fall down to earth, literally, he realized that a more important and immediate goal was NOT DYING.

And as the ground came giddily up to meet him, he realized that that was probably not a realistic one.
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Post by hyzmarca »

I just have to say, I looked at the title and assumed that there would be baby pictures.
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Post by Shrapnel »

Y'know, yer the second person to say something along those lines.

For the record, I'm single and 23. And a Transfan*. I don't expect to be doing any reproducin' any time soon.


*Read that as you will.
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Post by Shrapnel »

Special message from Exhaust:
Exhaust wrote:Heya, friends. You may not be wondering why Shrap hasn't done anything lately with this thread. That's because - let's be honest here - he's a bit of a layabout. Lazy doesn't even cover it. Seriously, the guy is so unmotivated that he would turn Tony Robbins into an uninspired pile of slag. I mean, he's never, EVER finished ANY project that he's started. I mean, look at that disaster of an OSSR he did on the Monster Manual.

And he wants to be a writer, too. Hah! What a crock. Jerk wouldn't be able to finish a birthday card. He makes GRRM look punctual.

Anywhat, I just thought I'd tell ya not to get yer hopes too high on him finishing... well, anything, really.
Jeez, what a jerk, amirite? I mean, I'd complain, but it's true. Mea culpa.
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric, the half a bee
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