Pirates of the Dinner Table -- Episode One: Escape From the Spanish Main Dish
Captain Cook, First Mate Sue Sheff, Second Mate (and Ship's Cook) Rose Beef, and Other Second Mate Mac A. Roni sat around the dinner table, enjoying their food and plotting how they were going to recapture their pirate ship. They had been the best of friends and the most scallywaggish of pirates for years, but their ship, the Crimson Canapé, had been captured by the Royal Privateers, and the crew had gone into hiding.
They had been stuck on the Spanish Main Dish -- one of the larger land masses in the Battenberg Sea -- for weeks now. It was a beautiful place: Mt. Paella, in the middle, had an odd double-peak that made it look like a fish's tail; the Saffron Shore was several miles of the most gorgeous golden rice-sand in the world; and the Manchego Swamp smelled white in a way no one really understood. But for the Pirates of the Dinner Table, to be trapped anywhere, no matter how beautiful (or large), was simply torture.
Cook stabbed viciously at his dinner with his fork, which unlike everyone else's, was permanently attached to the end of his right arm where his hand should be. "I found her," he growled, "docked at Empanada City. I intend to take her back, but first we need to free the rest of the crew."
Mac A. Roni shook his head. "Captain," he began, "The crew has scattered, and several of them -- of us -- are in jail! Stu is actually in the Imperial Dungeons! How are we--"
Captain Cook glared at his Other Second Mate as he cut them off. "Mac," he smiled, "Do you not think I've thought of that? Of course I've got a plan. Here's what we're going to do…"
Over the next few days, the four of them whispered in the dark alleys of Empanada City, put up posters in secret parts of the Spanish ciudades, and left careful codes inscribed in the trees near special parts of the Manchego Swamp. They bribed prison guards, dug long tunnels through the crisp-rice bedrock below the Imperial Dungeons, and even, in one case, detonated a series of cherry bombs, scaring the guards out of a jail long enough to set one of their own free.
By the end of the week, the whole crew had been reunited. They met in the golden, salty part of the Pan Plain by the light of the moon, and they munched on churros provided by Rose Beef while they listened carefully to Captain Cook.
"All right, ye scurvy bums. Here be the plan. Myself and Sue will take those of ye who can stomach a fight, and we'll arm ye with what weapons we can get. Rigger Tony and 'Ropes' O'Licorice will take Mac and the other sneaky-sneaky types on board whilst the soldiers that're watchin' the Canapé be distracted by Rose and her infamous muffins.
"Tony, Ropes, and all will lower the gangplank, and Sue and I'll lead the rest of ye into battle. It'll be a brief skirmish, and after it all, we'll cut the moorings and say goodbye to this infernal platter of an island, hopefully forever. Who's in?"
The entire crew voiced their approval. "Aye, Captain!" And three nights later, they gathered at the harbor of Empanada City, armed with whatever weapons they could pilfer, plunder, or steal.
The corsairs -- for that is what you properly call a pirate who isn't afraid to stab, shoot, or toss someone overboard -- waited quietly on shore as they watched Rose make her way onto the pier with a basket of muffins. "Oh, boys!" she sang out. "I've got some lovely cinnamon muffins over here!"
The guards came over and began to munch eagerly on the delicious-smelling muffins. Silently, the rigging crew slipped onto the ship from the sea. Minutes later, the gangplank dropped, and Captain Cook led the charge. "Let's take the Canapé back and be done with this so-called Main Dish!" he shouted as he drew his cutlass.
They charged into battle, knocking several soldiers off the dock and into the murky-sweet waters of Tamarind Bay. Ropes O'Licorice startled the navy men by firing one of the Canape's cannons over their heads, and the pirates pressed their advantage.
The fight didn't last long, though -- it was an even briefer skirmish than the Captain had suspected. The solders simply stopped fighting and crumpled to the ground after the first few seconds. The Captain wasn't one to question good luck, however, and within less than a minute, he gave the order to untie the moorings and lower the oars. The Crimson Canapé's crew put their backs into their work, rowing with all their might, and within minutes, the vessel was out of Tamarind Bay and into the freedom of the wide-open Battenberg.
That night, miles and miles away from the Spanish Main Dish, and indeed from every one of the Main Dishes, Captain Cook sat with his crew. The huge single dinner table they gathered around was unlike any other on any vessel, and it was the thing they had chosen to name themselves after because it showed that the Captains and Mates didn't think of themselves as better than the rest of the crew.
The Captain was looking at Rose Beef, who looked back at him with a smile. "Did you figure it out?" she asked. Suddenly, he realized that he understood.
"You clever cook. You poisoned the muffins!" he hooted with glee.
Rose nodded. "Why fight when you can cook them to their knees?"
Captain Cook chortled. "I knew there was I reason I kept you around…other than the frittata. And the sausages. Oh, and I love your minestrone!" The whole crew joined in, naming their favorite dishes, until finally Sue Sheff stood and raised her glass. "To Captain Cook! To the Crimson Canapé, to freedom and fun and fine food, and to all the Pirates of the Dinner Table!"
The crew cheered loudly and raucously. As they quieted down, Captain Cook nodded at Stu DePlums, the ship's navigator. "Set us a course that'll take us away from all of the Spanish anythings," he grinned. "I don't want to see another grain of saffron sand for the rest of me life."
Stu saluted, and after a moment's thought, turned back to the Captain. "I heard while I was in the Imperial Dungeons that there are some new settlements out in the Spice Islands," he said, pointing eastward. "New settlements always mean unguarded goods."
Captain Cook's grin grew as he stood up and gestured enthusiastically with his fork-hand. "Well, then! It's time t' remind the Empires why they keep a keen eye out! Lower the mainsail! Let fly the Jelly Roger! The Pirates of the Dinner Table arr back on the seas, and as long as we be, there's no ship bigger than a teacup what can call itself safe!"
The crew burst into action, and as the strawberry-red sails of the Crimson Canapé flew once again, the jar-and-cross-utensils of the Jelly Roger unfurled in the moonlight.
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