500 word challenge

[Username17]

So I have a laptop again and I can now type on an actual keyboard. It's exciting. Anyway, I said that once that happened, I would put up a five hundred word challenge, so I am doing that.

Here's the idea: kitchen sink fantasy settings have a metric fucktonne of peoples in them. A dozen flavors of Goblin, a half dozen variants of Elves, and so many Beastmen that when someone talks about Fish People you have to ask which version. D&D, for example, has the Bullywug and the Grippli and the Neraph, all of which are basically a "frog dude." Historically, most races in kitchen sink fantasy are flavorless - just a monster writeup of some Goblin who happen to be better fighters or a PC option for Elves who happen to have different stat adjustments and a focus on a different character class. But while by its very nature a kitchen sink fantasy means that you cannot stop there from being a nearly endless parade of new varieties of snake people, there is not really any reason for any of the peoples' so described to be flavorless and uninteresting.

The idea is that a monster writeup in a Monster Manual should be one or two pages. That's enough for a picture, the game stats, a description of their special rules, and most crucially: a description of why you should give a fuck. For a monster like a basilisk or owlbear, this information can be fairly rudimentary and there's no reason for the monster to be more or less than a single page. But for actual peoples, you're going to want a bit more: rules for having them take character classes and descriptions of force dispositions and domesticated animals, as well as some physical and anthropoligical data that should make them stand out and be different from the other tuskers and black bloods. That's probably going to want to be a two page spread, which means that you have about five hundred words to make them unique and interesting.

My contention is that with five hundred words, you can make anything interesting. No matter how "kind of stupid" or "completely flavorless" the race was in its inception, with five hundred words of text you can make a race be something worth talking about. Any of them. Norkers? Giff? Vril? Dark Ones? Fucking any of it. And to prove it, I'm willing to take a 500 word challenge. If you don't think a D&D race could be given an interesting backstory, biology, and anthropology in 500 words, I'll take that bet.

Exception: Races which were literally created in order to annoy people don't get this treatment. That means no Nilbogs or Gully Dwarves. Those things actually could get salvaged with new writeups, but they shouldn't be because they were created as insults and should be allowed to disappear.

Exception 2: Races which are literally created as racist stereotypes also don't get this treatment. That means no Aperusa and no Pygmies. It's not that you couldn't write things about them that were interesting, it's that they are offensive racist caricature and need to be allowed to fall down the memory hole.

-Username17

[Laertes]

5E Nothics.

[Ghremdal]

So how does this work? Do we suggest a race and you write about it?

[Lokathor]

Among the Tome races, Tieflings and Aasimar both have racial writeups that talk about them mechanically much more than than culturally. I think they need some of this 500 word attention.

[MGuy]

Assuming we're supposed to just throw them out there I'd say Humans. I think they are the blandest of the bland for DnD races and I'd love to hear someone rewrite them in a way that sounds interesting. If Humans don't count I always liked Kalashtar and since no one else sees them as interesting then that would be a real challenge as well.

[Red_Rob]

So how does this work? Do we suggest a race and you write about it?

Basically, we try to suggest the most boring, hack job races that have been churned out for D&D in ages past and Frank has offered to give them a writeup that will make you want to have them take a starring role in your next campaign.

My vote goes to Wemics. Liontaurs always seemed cool, but the race as a whole was pretty forgettable.

[Ghremdal]

If A Wizard Did It! creatures are in, I vote for the various deadly furniture creatures, like Mimics.

Otherwise my vote goes to Redcap's.

[Username17]

The Kalashtar are a great example of a race that is bland and terrible. They look exactly like humans and don't even have binding personality quirks. It's really just exactly someone writing minimalist fluff to trade the human's bonus skill point for a bonus psionic power point. They aren't even great Psions, since the reality is that you'd rather have a bonus to your manifesting stat than simply more power points to spend and a couple free powers. So here's a shot:

Kalashtar

The Kalashtar were a tribe of Humans whose souls had been stolen from them by a necromantic tyrant. These soulless people lived and died with no afterlife or connections to the world of spirits. They were despised and shunned in case their condition might be contagious. Kalashtar sages never were able to retrieve the souls of their tribe, but they were able to forge a pact with a tribe of alien beings trapped between the world of bodies and the world of dreams. These beings, called the Qori, were hateful beings that had attempted to enslave the world in a bygone age. Their invasion had failed, and many of them were left stranded, bodiless in the between place.

The pact between the Kalashtar and the Qori was simple in structure: the two peoples merged, with the spiritless bodies of the Kalashtar using the bodiless spirits of the Qori as souls, and the bodiless spirits of the Qori using the empty shells of the Kalashtar to again walk on earth.

Kalashtar are compound entities, but few are wholly at peace. Their bodies and minds are Human, but their souls are those of vile alien tyrants. As they live their lives, the experiences of the Human side gradually overwhelm the soul and take possession of it. Powerful minds and powerful experiences hasten this appropriation. Kalashtar constantly have feelings that are equal parts distasteful and incomprehensible, as their Qori souls are wicked broken things – many of which wish their hosts to die so as to send them to the afterlife alone. Kalashtar society stresses mental discipline, but to shut out the alien emotions that might drive them to suicide, and to make a greater impression upon their soul so as to retain a sense of self in the afterlife.

Still, some Kalashtar forge a sense of oneness between their Human mind and Qori spirit. For some, this is as simple as allowing the dark emotions of the spirit to take control and follow the impulses towards a path of vengeance against the descendants of those who defeated the Qori incursions so long ago. For others, their Qori half takes comfort in its new existence away from the maddening between place and truly takes pleasure in being a Kalashtar.

Kalashtar society is arranged into a series of monasteries led by councils of sages. From their years as outcasts, Kalashtar communities have a tradition of self sufficiency. The monasteries have little in the way of material comforts or possessions, and Kalashtar culture lionizes the ascetic life. By necessity, the Kalashtar devote great attention to the life of the mind and therapy for broken emotions. As the Qori cannot fully return to the land of dreams, the Kalashtar do not dream, and their Human minds spend their sleeping moments locked in (sometimes adversarial) discussion with their Qori souls.

-474 words.

-Username17

[virgil]

This is a bet that a race can't be interesting after being given Frank's attention. This actually constrains things, and makes me unwilling to bet money on such a claim. Now, I'm willing to bet smallish writing ventures as desired by Frank (an OSSR, conversion, short story, etc), but that's as much as I'm willing to risk.

The most boring, uninteresting races I know for D&D, that I doubt even Frank could turn interesting...

• Illumians - Just, damn it's hard to imagine them as anything but boring navel-gazers that obsess over their Sims-style player icon
  Water Orcs - Insofar in that I am mildly incredulous of their ability to not make you go "orc pirates?" *yawn*
  Galltrit - I was tempting to choose Fremlin, but their immunity to non-magical weapons would've made it too easy. These guys are a bit harder to feel like more than a throw-away race.
  Loxo - More obscure than Giff, but similar in difficulty, and probably the easiest of this list, IMO

[Koumei]

Okay, I'm not going to be a dick and suggest:
*Animals from real life (Wolf, shark, Badger, Manticore)
*Bigger spikier versions of animals from real life (Dire Badger, Girallon)
*Plants that are just... big weeds that grapple and eat people (Assassin Vine, Shambling Mound)
*Animals that used to be alive (Dire Wolf, Megatherium, Dinosaur)
Likewise, an Ooze is a fucking ooze, I won't demand you do a meaningful spiel on the differences between Black Puddings and Gelatinous Cubes.

With that out of the way... Grimlocks. Let's see what you can do with "They're orcs... but BLIND!"

Although honestly, Athach, Bugbear, Ettin, Gnoll: pick one. They're all interchangeable kind-of-big things that are brutish thugs, possibly goblinoid, and get killed in the low levels.

[Username17]

For Redcaps, are we talking the Powrie or the Monster Manual 3 version?

Anyway, I don't think Water Orcs is terribly difficult, so I'm going to give them the "one pager" treatment. That's where they only get a single page in the monster manual, and so have to content themselves with a quarter of a page to explain why you should give a shit.

Water Orcs

In an island chain where the power of the Marids is strongest, a tribe of Orcs has been fashioned into a form more pleasing to their genie masters. With a slight bluish cast to their skin and dark bulging eyes, they are easily mistaken for Orcs that are merely holding their breath. In truth, they have had elemental water introduced to their blood, granting them the ability to breathe water and have limited control of the element – but also giving the Marids greater sway over them.

The Marids demand that the Water Orcs act as their agents in the mortal realm, and in exchange give them title to everything which washes up on their shores. Enterprising Water Orcs have teamed up with Sea Hags and Scrags in order to arrange for more ships to sink. These wreckers work by a number of methods, including lighthouse mimicry, weather control, and simple piracy. Water Orcs are a major obstacle to mortal trade, a fact which if their Marid overlords are aware of seems to bother them not a whit.

Water Orcs are no less emotional than their landlocked cousins, but they show emotion less quickly. They have trained wolf squid to not attack Water Orcs, and often use them as barely controlled beasts of war. Their alliance with the giants is strained, with the Scrags and Sea Hags wanting more fealty from the Water Orcs, while the Marids resist the appropriation of their servants.

-245 words

-Username17

[Darth Rabbitt]

Dull races that haven't been suggested:

Azurin
Skarn
Rilkan
Maenads
Elans
Xephs

Any of these would be interesting to be made interesting.

[virgil]

In truth, they have had elemental water introduced to their blood, granting them the ability to breathe water and have limited control of the element – but also giving the Marids greater sway over them.

I'm being persnickety, but this is marginally different from official water orcs, who get a swim speed and no ability to breathe water. Still, the cultural write-up fits.

[Avoraciopoctules]

1. Forest Drakes. One of the 2 flavors of "lawful" aligned drake, but with no real flavor text to explain why. Spire Drakes have the thing where they crave sweet magic loot, but cannot identify it and are easily tricked. But Forest Drakes? Basically nothing besides "I hates them elves."

2. Lots of celestials are boring because the game never really gives you much to do with them. Hound Archons have low enough CR that you could have them show up early in a campaign,

3. If you want a more challenging archon, Legion Archons are more boring in combat and flavor, with a sidenote saying that they go unarmed when on missions of diplomacy that is undercut by their special power to conjure weapons at will.

[erik]

Shocker Lizards!

[ishy]

Shocker Lizards!

But for actual peoples, you're going to want a bit more: rules for having them take character classes and descriptions of force dispositions and domesticated animals, as well as some physical and anthropoligical data that should make them stand out and be different from the other tuskers and black bloods. That's probably going to want to be a two page spread, which means that you have about five hundred words to make them unique and interesting.

Don't think shockers count as peoples.

[RobbyPants]

Bladelings (MMII p31); the spiky EL 1 outsiders from Acheron.



I always thought they looked cool, but I could never figure out a reason to care about them.

[rasmuswagner]

Okay, this is cheating, because these guys already have a 20-page writeup with beasts and culture and proprietary technology, but...

Those bat-dudes from MM 4 or 5 or something, the assholes with like 10 HD of Monstrous Humanoid, because some idiot thought that fighting medium sized humanoids with fuck-all meaningful offensive capability, but far too many HP to just fucking have the decency to die was something people would enjoy doing past level 5.

[Username17]

Shocker Lizards and Oozes aren't people, and obviously wouldn't warrant a two page spread.

Anyway...

Grimlocks

Grimlocks have rock hard skin and only vestigial eyes. They can barely feel pain and cannot feel cold at all. Grimlocks cannot see, but can hear and feel vibrations well enough to detect and navigate their surroundings out to modest distances (which are sufficient for their usual underground homes). Grimlocks have never needed warmth or light and have not developed clothing or fire. They eat meat whenever they can, and prefer the flesh of sapient people when they can get it.

Without access to fire, Grimlocks have been unable to work metals of any kind, though they are well enamoured of the sounds it makes and trade or raid for copper, silver, and gold from the Lizardfolk on the surface. If any of the races in their area of the Underdark worked iron or bronze, they would probably love those as well.

Grimlocks are oftentimes the puppets of other powerful creatures, most especially the Medusae and the Ilithid. The Medusae appreciate thralls that won't accidentally petrify in their presence, and their ability to transform victims entirely through a visual medium that Grimlocks do not understand makes them appear to be near unto demon lords. The Ilithid appreciate thralls who don't think it is weird that they get eaten by their masters. Indeed, the fact that Ilithid eat only the brains of their victims and then throw the cadaverous husks to the hungry Grimlocks makes them appear as magnanimous rulers.

Grimlocks understand well the insides of stones, and some of their artisans are masters of the art of stone carving. Weaponry fashioned by Grimlocks are made entirely out of stone, and the larger pieces are quite impractical for weaker races to carry into battle. Sometimes, an especially important Grimlock may have a copper blade of Lizardfolk manufacture, its utility as a weapon and a tool almost overshadowed by its currency as a status symbol.

Grimlocks do not appear to suffer ill effects from eating raw meat or people. Rancid smells do not bother them, and the Grimlocks trade or make war upon the Troglodytes with impunity. Eating the flesh of intelligent creatures is not merely a dietary supplement, but near unto a sacred duty. Killing and eating enemies is considered respectful to the fallen and brings strength and intelligence to the Grimlock tribe. A foe who has repelled a Grimlock raid is considered especially important to eat, because they have clearly proven their power. The destruction of a Grimlock tribe is almost always because of escalation of warfare stemming from a cannibalistic food raid, with the Grimlock tribe repeatedly doubling down as the potential victims become more and more valuable as a sacred meal with each failed assault.

-448 words

Azurin are just a Human subtybe, and like Water Orcs would get just a single page. So their writeup would look something like this:

Azurin

The Azurin live in an amazingly inhospitable land where neither steel nor spellcraft are known. While they have some facility in herbalism and potion brewing, the wisest of the Azurin do not know what a magic item even is. What astral diamonds can be found in their lands are worn as jewellery because the secret of using them as a power source to make permanent enchantments is unheard of to them. The closest word they have in their language to describe spellcasting translates roughly as “defilement,” and even discussing it is taboo.

The jungles, deserts, and mountains in which the tribes of Azurin dwell have few creatures in them that are not properly described as monsters. The bright blue orbs that are Azurin eyes have never seen a horse or even a giant goat, what tamed (not domesticated) beasts live alongside the Azurin are gorgons, displacer beasts, and ankhegs. The Azurin do not know the workings of any metal, but instead fashion tools, weapons, and armors out of leather, bone, wood, and chitin. They do not grow corn or wheat, but instead harvest assassin vines and shamblers.

The Azurin do not pay homage to gods or demons as races in other parts of the world do. They revere local spirits, the totems of beasts, and impersonal elemental forces. What magic they have is strange and primal, sculpting their own souls to mimic the powers of monsters. Other than their eyes, Azurin look very much like Humans, and can interbreed.

-250 words

-Username17

[Orion]

Frank,

What did the Kalashtar get out of this deal with the Qori? Was having no afterlife really bugging them that much? To be honest it sounds like the afterlife they bought themselves is not that great and they ruined their regular lives to get it.

[Prak]

I'm going to second gnolls, but mostly because I want to know where the hell the "lazy" part of the "lazy hyena men filled with awesome" meme came from.

[Occluded Sun]

Kobolds.

[fectin]

Giff.

[Grek]

Grey/Wood/Wild elf.

[Occluded Sun]

A fresh look at Dwarves would be invaluable. Seriously, dwarves are always played the same. Usually with a Scots accent, too.