Recurring Cast
[*]Tibellus, The Spider Lady (sheet).
[*]Biggunegi, the [foolish] Samurai Warrior (sheet).
[*]Sugita Hotaru, Hobgoblin Dragonfire Adept (sheet).
[*]Urist McFuck, Dwarven Knight (sheet).
[*]Vaiken, a Tiefling Monk (Sheet).
NPCs
[*]Bard
The episode begins with our heros, having just taken some weapons and armor from the last encounter back to camp, turning around and walking into town again. Because of who showed up, Vaiken is left in camp and Biggunegi goes with the group this time.
Tibellus, Urist, Sugita, and Biggunegi, still all dressed in blue ropes and blue surcoats as you can recall, are the tiniest army as they approach the village once more. The farmers of course spot them and run away spooked. A patrol shows up, but not with the mayor in tow, so we decide to stop and talk with them a moment.
Tibellus: I wanna shout, "Parley"
Guard: Hmmph, what do you want to parley with?
Tibellus: I wanna parley over, uh, you know, we're not here to destroy your town. I just want you guys to know that right off the bat.
Guard: Really? You've been doing a good job of it anyway.
Tibellus: Well, I understand that, but that is because we were betrayed by your Mayor, and we are here only for the Mayor.
Guard: ...what do you charge the Mayor with?
Sugita: Illegal Confiscation of Magical Goods.
Tibellus: Yes, that, the guy shouting behind us. He was correct. Illegal Confiscation of Magical Goods.
Guard: What proof do you have?
Tibellus: We're the ones who brought that armor with us.
Sugita: Yeah, your town guard admitted to confiscating the armor from the armorer.
GM: He scratches his head.
Guard: I'd have to ask the commander about that, afraid he isn't with this patrol.
Tibellus: Well, how about we wait here--
Guard: You could come back with us though... Well, here's the thing stranger. There isn't much of a courthouse in this town. Any judgements come down from the mayor or his lieutenant.
Sugita: Doesn't that seems a little bit, uhm, one-sided?
GM: He shrugs
Guard: He pulls out his sword, and he makes the decisions.
Tibellus: The man we have a problem with is, in fact, the Mayor. So if he's making the decisions...
Guard: Yes, I understand. I'm trying to explain to you why that might be a little problematic to resolve through normal channels here... which is why the alternative would be to convene a village council. We get the elders from all the different households around, get 'em all together in a big circle. Talk it out.
Sugita: That's almost acceptable.
Guard: You'd have to explain to them your position and provide evidence of his wrongdoing and so on and so forth. Understand, he's been our Mayor for quite a while now, almost four and a half years! Hasn't been anything terrible since then.
Tibellus: Have you ever met the guy?
Guard: Hmm?
Tibellus: Have you ever talked to him? He's kinda the worst.
Sugita: Have you ever talked to him one on one?
Biggunegi: The most dishonorabru!
Guard: I admit, he comes off a bit poorly. Uh, rather poorly. I'm certain he's a blowhard.
Sugita: Look, I don't know about your human laws, but over in the Samurai Lands where we come from, if you do a dishonorable thing, you get your head cut off. If you can walk away from that, you're fine. If you can't, then that's all there is to the matter. It's very simple.
Tibellus: We're not here to kill you, or your friends, or your townspeople.
Guard: Ah, but see, who decides who does the beheading?
Sugita: Uh, we have this guy, his name is Biggunegi, he specializes in beheading.
Biggunegi: Hai!
Sugita: Biggunegi, show him your axe! Show him your axe!
Biggunegi: Schwing!
Guard: Not so strange then.
Sugita: Yeah, look at that axe, that's perfect for beheading.
Biggunegi: Sparkle, sparkle.
Guard: Well alright, well you understand how our system works then. Sounds like your system works exactly the same way.
Sugita: Well... yes, I suppose.
Tibellus: I'm just saying that there is a choice to be made here. We'll walk away and give you a few minutes to decide, but the choice is that you can either leave our way clear, or get in our way. And the options have clear outcomes. Uhm, we can go about our business with the Mayor with or without you.
Guard: You realize that, if we just gave in to bandits, there would be nothing left of our town in short order.
Sugita: We're not any local bandits. We're people that have been stolen from by the local government, and we are demanding compensation.
Guard: Yes, yes, in which case you have to come to the village circle if you want anything to be done.
Tibellus: Have you ever heard of the Bushido code?
Guard: Bushido... hey man no swearing around here.
Tibellus: Well, it makes it so that we are honor bound to defeat the Mayor, in mortal combat.
Guard: Your bullshito code is?
Tibellus: Yes, bullshito code.
Guard: Alright, I'll take your word for it stranger.
Tibellus: Well, we'll give you a few minutes to decide.
Guard: I'd be perfectly happy to call for--
Tibellus: Sugita, hmm, Biggunegi actually. Biggunegi, you will be the man to decide. Do you want to speak to the villagers?
Biggunegi: ...the Mayor is the guy with all the crazy bread people?
Tibellus: No, the Mayor is the guy who made us fight him, basically. Then he kicked us out of his town and stole the armor.
Biggunegi: Most dishonorablu.
Sugita: When we got kicked out of the town, we went back later at the appropriate time to get the armor, but the Mayor had already taken it out of the forge.
Biggunegi: Yeah, that fool needs to die.
Tibellus: Yeah, so, let's go to the town council, and our position will be that the Mayor needs to be killed, does that sound acceptable to you guys?
Sugita: ...sure... I'm not entirely confident that we should walk right into the middle of them.
Guard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait stranger. If we convened a circle it wouldn't have to be in the village. We could convene it in one of the outlying farmhouses, for example. And, of course, because the guards would all be involved, we would not bother you, assuming that you come in peace and good faith.
Tibellus: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell you though: if we see the Mayor we're gonna see red. Nothing will stop us.
Guard: He'll have to speak for himself, of course. You can't expect a man to be tried and hung without being present for it.
Tibellus: alright, fiiiiiine, jeez... where should we go to wait for your council?
We drink moonshine and tea. Again, for 12 hours of waiting. Old guys show up, slightly less old guys show up. The place gets crowded and some of the younger guards get shooed out to make room. There's about a dozen villagers in this "two-room house" thing. The Mayor shows up last, and his fancy hat lieutenant is with him. The lieutenant is wearing the stolen armor. This is an affront to all of the gods if ever there was.
Well, so, they all show up and the Mayor is like... (the most obvious music)
Sugita: The Mayor seems to have adopted the Alchemist's voice.
Guard: They're leveling charges against you which you'll have to answer for.
GM: Oh, come on...
Mayor: I don't even know what you're talking about.
GM: There we go, more into it.
Mayor: Let's hear these charges so that we can get on with it.
Sugita (mayor style): Yeah, less nasally and more just sleezy, you know?
Mayor: Yeah, yeah.
Tibellus: The armor, right there, that your "Lieutenant", air quotes, is wearing. Are you kidding me!? That's clearly our armor.
Blacksmith: Yes, indeed. They brought the armor to my shop a little over a week ago. Asked it to be fitted to be Dwarf sized. Then just a couple days ago the Mayor came in and had a sit-down talk with me. Said the armor was part of an ongoing investigation into the bluecoats here. He said he was taking the armor so as to not let it fall into the wrong hands.
Mayor: Well, you see here friends, as it happens, these individuals, these criminals, they went and caused a bit of a stir up at the Alchemist's mansion back on the day he held the big party. Quite a stir. All of you here saw him come down, something he has not done in living memory.
Sugita: Yeah, but you paid us to do that!
Mayor: all those golems, causing a ruckus in the streets, looking for these guys. Know what? He was so upset that they'd stolen his spellbooks that I had to pay the guy off, with the town funds no less. And when that happened, I figured, you know what? these people don't deserve the basic goodness of life we're extending to them, or the hospitality. So, it made sense that to compensate us for our losses, we'd take the armor back from them.
Tibellus: Tibellus can Diplomacy better than I can in real life. How do I have her explain, uh...
GM: Just go ahead and make your Diplomacy check, and if you don't feel like doing it yourself.
Tibellus: I failed on the die, but I have +19, so, I did okay.
Biggunegi: Could have been worse.
Tibellus: I'm a little flustered because I'm angry.
Sugita: Alright, before Tibellus says anything, I stand up and shout, First of all, we were paid by the Mayor to do that whole "Alchemist Trouble Causing" event, so if anything he's double at fault. Then I pass to Tibellus. So she gets my Aid Another, so she's up at 24 now.
Mayor: Lies and slander friend! These criminals would do anything to turn a buck! Look at the destruction they've caused to our watchtowers. They've knocked down our guard members, taken away their valuable arms and armor, they've stolen from us, friends.
Tibellus: Sirs, we are going to give the arms and armor back, as soon as we have taken what is rightfully ours.
Mayor: Of course, of course, we have your oh so good word on that.
Tibellus: You, in fact, do. (oh no, my microphone...) But yes, my 22, aided by his +2, do I get anything for that?
GM: Alright, you pipe up and explain that you had arrived in the village completely unaware of the Mayor's plans, and you describe exactly the things he did for you. After all, he did prepare suits and dye them for you, obviously you had dealings with him before you went up to the mansion. The greybeards all hmm and nod.
Greybeard: At that point, it's your word against his. What do you say we call in one of the local clerics, one of the guards, he can cast a Truth Spell. Would you agree to that sirh?
Tibellus: Yes.
Sugita: Yes.
Mayor: Yeah, yeah sure, why not?
Cleric: *comes in* Alright, I'm gonna cast a basic spell here called Zone of Truth. What happens is, if it all works properly, none of you should be able to lie. Alright? Let's do this.
GM: You folks can make a Will Save, if you want to try to resist it.
Sugita: Oh, I don't.
Tibellus: I don't even need to lie.
Sugita: I think the Mayor is gonna resist it, 'cause he's some sort of chump.
Biggunegi: I'm gonna resist it, 'cause I can.
Tibellus: You don't even say lies, you just yell your own name. That's the truth of any situation.
Biggunegi: Yeah, but I want the option to be able to lie.
Sugita: Tibellus, have you considered that perhaps his name isn't Biggunegi? Perhaps he's actually some other name, and he's been lying about his name the whole time?
GM: Gasp!
Tibellus: It's the biggest twist!
Urist: I also resist, 'cause i'm a fuck. *rolls a Natural 1* Damn, I can't lie. I'm Abe Fucking Lincoln.
GM: DC would be 15, so I guess that Biggunegi can't lie either.
Biggunegi: Dangit.
GM: So, Biggunegi, what was your name again?
Biggunegi: ....Smalluneggi.
Tibellus: That's the biggest plot twist we've had so far.
Mayor: These fellows did this all by themselves, I had nothing to do with it.
Tibellus: We didn't, you had a lot to do with it. Clearly your Cleric is still just messing about, and not casting a Zone of Truth correctly so that you can get away with this.
Cleric:I cast the spell correctly. It doesn't always work, but I cast it correctly.
Tibellus: Clearly we're both saying opposite things.
Cleric:*sigh* It's just supposed to help. I did my best, they're still contradicting each other. One of them wasn't affected.
Tibellus: As you saw, I made no effort to resist.
GM: They can't tell really. You can see with your Arcane Sight that the Mayor was unaffected, but no one else can.
Tibellus: I can tell with my Arcane Sight that the Mayor was unaffected. I can see magic damn you! And then I blue glowy my eyes, like a god damned fremen.
GM: Make an Intimidate check.
Tibellus: I guess that's only a +7... hmm... A god damned fremen!
Greybeard: I've heard of people being able to see magic with blue eyes, such strange things.
Sugita: Can't the cleric just cast Detect Magic too?
GM: Uhm, he didn't have it memorized. He wouldn't normally need it.
Sugita: What a chump.
Tibellus: He had Zone of Truth memorized, but he didn't have Detect Magic? What an ass.
GM: He had like 10 hours to pick spells, he chose Zone of Truth, but he didn't think about Detect Magic. That poor fool.
Sugita: What a fool.
GM: Anyhow.
Tibellus: Our story stands, and it's clear that the Mayor is very deceptive, and will do anything to get away with this crime.
Greybeard: What did you do with the spell books?
Tibellus: We gave them to the Mayor.
Greybeard. You did hmmh? Sir, I must ask that we be allowed to search your premises, just a cursory thing.
Mayor: Friends, of course, that seems like a most invasive thing of privacy. These folks claimed that they gave me the spellbooks, shouldn't you search their wagons first?
Tibellus: He's also trying to hide other stuff, I'm sure. This guy is super sleaze. But yes, you can search our wagon, because we have nothing to hide.
Sugita: Search his house first, we don't want him moving it before you get a chance to look there.
Tibellus: Everybody stays here while the search happens.
Sugita: Nobody gets a chance to move anything, now that we know a search is going on.
Tibellus: Especially the Mayor, and those guards.
Mayor: Alright, alright friend. No trouble.
Greybeard: Alright, then, Snapjaw boys, you two, you go to the wagons, and you two you go to the Mayor's house.
Tibellus: Anyone got Sense Motive?
Biggunegi: Yeah I'll do it.
GM: It doesn't take much to see that they're large, strapping, and not terribly bright guys, but they're very well intentioned.
Sugita: We'll give them a map to the wagon, yeah.
Sugita: Seems fair, we'd promised to give it back later anyway. This should all resolve things one way or the other.
GM: The other two come back from the Mayor's place. They found some stuff that he "probably shouldn't have", but no spellbooks. Nothing big.
Mayor: Friends, friends, we all have our comforts now and then. You can't begrudge me that.
Tibellus: If you don't give us the armor, the matter will be settled by us.
Greybeard: I say, quite true that the armor was taken from you most rashly. What do you have to say about the Alchemist though?
Tibellus: We were on a job from the Mayor. We were being paid to steal artifacts, and we did such.
Greybeard: Even if you did so, you cost our village dearly.
Sugita: How did we cost your village anything? We destroyed all the Alchemist's bread golems and now he's a weaker faction. You could go take down his whole manor if he's any danger to the village.
Greybeard: Why would we wish to do so? He's been nothing but peaceful to us.
Bigguenegi: Now you get a bunch of free bread.
Sugita: So if he's been nothing but peaceful to you, then how have we cost you anything?
Greybeard: Obviously he demanded some recompense for the tomes you stole, and later you, of your own actions, burned down watchtowers, and killed at least one guardsman.
Sugita: Well, we did do that.
Tibellus: We did do this, and I do not deny this, we did this, uh--
Greybeard: It seems that in most similar circumstances, you'd be balancing murder against thievery, if all charges are true.
Sugita: Alright, if you rule in our favor, then we will go and fix the Alchemist problem, if there's any Alchemist problem. How about that?
Greybeard: If you could recover our town funds without causing the Alchemist too much of a stir...
Sugita: Oh, funds? You just want payment?
Tibellus: Those funds were payment for a job that we did do, so I'm afraid we can't just give that back.
Sugita: Hold on, if it's a matter of money how much money are we talking about here?
Greybeard: Mayor? How much of the money did the Alchemist take?
Mayor: Oh, friends, he took most of the warchest. He took three thousand gold.
Sugita: Alright, we'll go get three thousand gold back from the Alchemist.
Greybeard: Alright, you resolve this amicably and return the gold to us, and we will return your armor.
Sugita: I'm not sure we can resolve this amicably, we may have to eat the Mayor.
Greybeard: Eat the Mayor!? You would add cannibalism to your charges?
Tibellus: Cannibalism? We're not human!
Sugita: Yeah, none of us are human.
Greybeard: Uh...
Sugita: She's part spider, I'm part dragon, he's part samurai, none of us are human.
Greybeard: Well, you must understand me when I say that we cannot allow the eating of humans.
Sugita: Alright, alright, what if he just dies but then we don't eat him.
Greybeard: Why should he die? Even if he did steal from you, then, well, you killed a guardsman. If it were crime for a crime then we should take one of yours--
Sugita: LOOK little peasant man, don't push your luck here. We're helping you out, out of the goodness of our hearts, and honor-bound-ness, but if you push us too far then we'll just set everything on fire.
Tibellus: We are allowing you to live.
Greybeard: You said you came to this meeting in peace?
Sugita: We did come to this meeting in peace, and we're trying to solve it peacefully, but ultimately there is a priority here, and the priority is that we get our armor back, and then we leave your town. Probably kill the Mayor too.
Tibellus: We'll leave without killing any more people. And if you rule against us, then we'll still walk out of this building without doing so, but we will come back to your town, again and again, until we have our armor. Regardless.
GM: He sighs.
Sugita: So you can give us the armor now, or you can give us the armor later with a bunch of dead bodies at your feet.
Greybeard: Very well. Fine. I dislike you most intensely I must say. But, we will take this deal.
GM: He looks at the others and they stroke their beards and nod at him.
Greybeard: Yes, it is done. Bring us the gold and the armor is yours again. But don't cause any more trouble in the village. If you harm anyone else the deal is off, and we will use whatever power that we can to destroy you.
A single lonely bread golem is at the door. Biggunegi chops the golem in half, and eats him. The golem screeches as it dies, and the Alchemist looks out the 2nd floor window. He tells us to go away, and we demand the town's money back. He says there is no money. We ask him to come with us and testify to that effect and we'll get him his books back and everything will be all cleared up. Also we explain that the Mayor is the one who hired us to steal from him in the first place. Suddenly the Alchemist starts to understand a lot more of the situation. He asks if he should bring any more golems and stuff with him when we go back to town, and we say yes indeed. So we go inside and eat some sausages while he gets that ready.
Biggunegi eats 25lbs of sausages. He passes his Con check and keeps them all down.
The Alchemist brings out his newest creation, it's some sort of chocolate pudding monster.
The guards come out as we approach the town, but the Alchemist offers them sausages to stand down, and they happily eat the sausages. Greybeard demands to know where the gold is, and the Alchemist says there is no gold. The Mayor is forced to resign on the spot, and we get our armor back. The Mayor is exiled instead of killed. Tibellus and Biggunegi decide that they'll need to do a steakout. Well, a sausageout.
The chocolate pudding monster has its function revealed, it slurps into the mayor's home and sniffs out the missing spell books.
We also check Urist's sheet after putting the armor on him and he's at like -9 to Swim, so he's basically a Goron. Whoo. The Blacksmith offers to add a blue lacquer to the armor so that it'll match our blue uniforms as a way to apologize for handing over the armor to the Mayor in the first place. Well actually, he arranges to have it done by someone else and then pay for it. It'll take about a day.
Tracking the Mayor is a Survival check. So even though in theory Sugita could fly up and try to track him down, he's actually really bad at it. So Sugita stays with Bard and the Cart, and Urist, Tibellus, and Biggunegi go off to hunt down the Mayor. They buy some extra horses so that they can keep up with him (the townsfolk gave the Mayor a horse when they sent him away).
They track him for a bit and catch up after about 3 hours.
After trying to determine encounter distance with a spot check or something and laughing at the horribly silly "-1 per 10ft" spot rule, they end up a little ways away from the Mayor and his Lieutenant at the start. The NPCs go first, so they make Ride checks and dash away. Well, they dash away at least. The Lieutenant scurries off but the Mayor gets thrown from his horse. They close in and roll for initiative.
~Round 1~
The Mayor gets a good spot and then shoots a Color Spray at Urist (and the horse). Urist saves, but his horse does not (blind+stunned for 1, then stunned for 1).
Tibellus shoots a Corollax stun cone, but the Mayor saves.
Biggunegi does a charge attack, and hits.
Biggunegi: Uh, I have this thing called Kiai?
Sugita: Oh, yeah, use Kiai on him.
Biggunegi: I'm gonna do that.
GM: Alright, Kiai him up.
Tibellus: What does that do?
Sugita: Automatic critical, so roll your damage two more times Biggunegi... so that's 41 damage.
GM: That kills him outright.
Biggunegi: Fuck Youuuuu! Good.
So then Biggunegi takes the Mayor's dagger, adding it to the collection of weapons that he's got strapped all around him. They sift through his other stuff using the Arcane Sight of Tibellus to find that the Mayor's hat is magical in some way, and also that the Mayor is holding all the magical books still.
The group hands over all the books to the Alchemist, and get him to agree to protect the village until they return to rule over it.
Biggunegi: Is there like a magey guy in this town?
GM: You killed the last one.
Biggunegi: Uggggghhhh.
Sugita: What did you need?
Biggunegi: I wanted this dagger identified.
Sugita: I can do that... next level.
Biggunegi: Uggggghhhh.
Tibellus: Yeah, so, we chill out for a bit, I dunno if you guys wanna add some flavor text stuff..?
Sugita: I, using my crafting powers, will help rebuild some of their stuff. Well, I don't have much that would help them I can't do wood. Uh, I'll just build them new armor.
GM: Scrap metal?
Sugita: Yeah, sure. I got Armor, Alchemy, Weapons, and Cloth. I can make them some armor.
GM: They ask for some suits of Studded Leather to be made since that won't use up too much of the metal.
Tibellus: This is our apology.
Then we all ride off into the sun... just "the sun", because it never sets.
And by ride off, I of course mean that we took a barge. The bargemaster is a racist and doesn't let anyone stand near each other on the barge unless they've got a similar trait. Also the GM warns us about some trolls that eat pizza inevitably getting in our way. At the end of our journey, after saving all 625 members of our clan, there'll just the same fireworks as always, no special movie or anything. It will be the height of disappointment.