Yeah, but can he do as bad a job a t it as
I can!?
Anyway, this one comment made me laugh:
A fool wrote:Well, this did gross the lowest opening of any Transformers movie domestically. It may not break $150M. So maybe...maybe.... this really will be the last one.
(Unless the Chinese spend half a billion on it. Then all bets are off)
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANo.
Hasbro has already committed to making three more of these things, PLUS they have plans to make a cinematic universe a lá Marvel with
GI Joe,
Micronauts, and others. So... no, this is not the last one. To use a Furmanism,
it never ends. And all the more woe to us.
By the way, the Chinese
DID in fact spend a fuckload of money on the film, because Hollywood is whoring itself out to China and because Tramsformers is fucking BIG McLARGE HUGE over there. Like, disproportionately so. But Hasbro would still have continued to shit out more of these regardless of how the film did financially, because the goal of the films is not to make money in of themselves, but to promote the brand and get idiots like me to buy the shiny new toys.
Anywho, I've already forgotten most of the film so I'll just hit the highlights:
- Bee is said to have been in WWII. They don't explain it, or how, and it contradicts the fact that Bumblebee hadn't even been on earth before the first movie. But, hey, object permanence. Bee also gets his voice back... despite getting it back at the end of the first film, losing it in the second, not having in the third or fourth, AND THEN he loses AGAIN in the fifth movie BUT GETS IT BACK AT THE END. That's right, he gains and loses his voice TWICE in the course of one movie.
- Cogman was my favorite character. Hopkins makes an off-handed remark about him being a Headmaster, diminutive 'bots who turn into the heads of larger Transformers. This is never shown on screen, though, HOWEVER, it IS borne out by his toy. In fact, this only seems to been mentioned as an afterthought, as though someone was like "oh, hey, this little dude turns into the head of a larger dude, right? We should put that in the film. YO, ANTHONY, SAY SOME SHIT ABOUT THE LITTLE DUDE BEING A HEAD!"
"But we just finished the bloody scene! It's a wrap!"
"I DON'T CARE, BANANA BRO, JUST SAY THE LINE!"
"Alright, alright, you don't need to keep yelling.
Jackass."
"WHAWAZAT?"
"Nothing!"
- Okay, so, Izabella. Cool, but two problems: One, she's fourteen in the film, AND YET BAY STILL GIVES HER A CLEAVEGE REVEALING OUTFIT IN THE BEGINNING. Y'know that scene when she and the fucktarded kids are running away from the ED-209 toward shelter? Well, she's front and center in that scene and you can see her cleveage bouncing up and down IN YOUR FACE as she runs and I didn't need that and Michael Bay is a horrid monster. I mean, FUCK, the character is fourteen, the actress is SIXTEEN, and Bay needs to get psychiatric help. Okay, second problem, she appears, disappears, reappears, has no impact on the plot AT ALL. She has about as much impact as Jared Leto did in Suicide Squad.
- Speaking of Suicide Squad.... when Megatron is negotiating with the US military, who are for once NOT portrayed as the "real" heroes of the film, he lists each
brand-new toy captured Decepticon that he wants released, and as he names each one their names are shown on the screen, reminiscent of when Viola Davis was introducing each memeber of Sqaudron X. Two things about this: One, it was only sorta cool in Suicide Squad, and two, you can't do fancy introduction sequences with throw-away characters who contribute less to the movie than Killer Croc and Jared Leto combined. Really, the only reason those intro thingies are in there is because Hasbro wants you to remember their names so you can buy the toys later.
- The best part, though? Only a handful of those fuckers even got toys. Onslaught, Mohawk, and Dreadbot are movie-only characters. But Beserker, who appears for all of two seconds...
does have a toy, but he's barely in the movie, while these loser WHO DON'T HAVE TOYS GET ALL THE SCREEN TIME (comparatively)! I mean, goddamn, even the ONE THING the film was supposed to do - sell toys - it fails at! How awful a filmmaker to you have to be to screw up at making a toy commercial?!
- So Megatron was Galvatron in the last film but now he's Megatron again... why? When the movie was first announced, either Hasbro or Bay (I don't remember which) said that this would be explained in the film... but it wasn't. At all. Did Megatron come back to life, and Galvatron is still out their somewhere? Did Galvatron decide to go back to being Megatron? Who knows? Certainly not Michael Bay!
- Speaking of things not getting explained... when Bay was filming the WWII scene in England, specifically at Blenheim Palace, some British vets got upset that he covered that he covered Winston Churchill's birthplace with Nazi flags. Bay told them thet shouldn't be too upset as Churchill is a "big hero" in the film... except no he wasn't. Churchill was one of many historical figures name-checked as being a Witwiccan, alongside Einstein, Da Vinci, George Washington, Fredrick Douglass, the Medici family, Ernie Dinklefwat and Ed Meese, but he didn't do anything in the film, so no, he was NOT a "big hero" in the film, Bay you fascist sexist pig. Rot in hell.
- Jesus, this is why I don't like thinking. I'm started to get all mad n' shit because of how bad I'm realizing the movie is. I mean, I always knew it was back, it just didn't really click until right now. Damn.
- The Dinobots, despite being made a big deal of in the last film, do nothing. Hell, the only one who actually appears in the film is Grimlock, and all he does is barf up a car and then blow up some other cars and then disappear for the rest of the film.
- Quintessa is an amalgam of the Quintessons, a bit of
this guy, and just the tiniest dash of
this chick's gender thrown in. She has the dual distinction of being both the first major female antagonist in a Bayformer film and simultaneously also being the most positive and progressive female character in a Michael Bay film.
Ah, fuck me, but I'm tired. I'm shipping off, but I think I've missed a lot of important bits to tear downs, so I consider this a done deal. Or maybe not, I dunno. Is anyone else hearing Journey guitar solos playing in my heads?