Fight! Super Robot Lifeform Transformers: 2010 The Thread
Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:24 pm
Sharknado: A Hate Filled Rant
I saw Sharknado the other day, and I must say that it is one of the worst films I have ever seen, and that’s saying something. Because I like you all so much, here’s my rant.
I went into it expecting an hour or so’s worth of schlocky entertainment. This hope was dashed the minute I saw that fact that it was an Asylum film.
For those of you fortunate enough to be ignorant about Asylum’s existence, then you should know that they make three kinds of films: horrifically terrible knock-offs of current, big-name blockbuster films (these are what Asylum is most well known for), bad sex comedies, and every single SyFy original movie ever to disgrace the history of television, of which Sharknado was another in a long and proud tradition of crimes against humanity and several species of moss. It's like they try to make the worst movies possible.
So, back to Sharknado. The basic “premise” is that a super storm has formed off the coast of LA and there are sharks inside the storm that are deposited on LA, and the cheesiest CGI sharks ever made and some of the worst “actors” to graduate from Fluffy’s Discount Skool O’ Actin’™ get killed the most stupidest, pointless, unnecessary and gratuitously violent manner possible.
The supposed special effects in the film would have looked bad even in the mid-eighties. Hell, it would have looked bad in the mid-forties. The CGI in this movie is some of the worst I’ve seen in an Asylum film, and that’s really saying something.
The film starts the way most Asylum films do: With a scene that is supposedly supposed to set up and expositionize the film, but ultimately has nothing to do with anything ever. This time, the scene is a fishing boat in the middle of CGI ocean that’s probably a rendering of the director’s tub during bath time.
Apparently, this boat is an illegal fishing boat full of illegal fishermen catching rubber shark props for their fins or something in shark filled waters. This isn’t really made all that clear, as the only thing that implies it is the stereotypical Shady and Amoral Russian Shark Hunting Boat Captain and the stereotypical Asian Guy Who Looks Asian but Sounds Whiter Than Princess Di engaging in some sort of shady business deal about buying the Illegal Shark Fins®. This scene is really riveting and gripping as the SAARSHBC guy vaguely threatens AGWLABSWTPD dude with a vague gun prop to pay ONE MILLION DOLLARS for the fins, and the AGWLABSWTPD dude agrees because he’s French and thus has no courage.
Then the SAARSHBC guy says some line about people shouldn’t fear sharks, sharks should fear people, because gun’s don’t kill people, people kill guns. But seriously, it’s like this guy is begging for a Sharknado to happen.
And happen it does, as a storm then begins to whip up. Apparently the sharks are swept up by the storm and are flopped onto the boat where they begin to unconvincingly eat the crew, until only the AGWLABSWTPD dude and the SAARSHBC guy are left. There’re some confusing bits about the Asian guy trying to run off with the fins for himself or something, and the Russian guy shoots at him and the Asian guy shoots back and so on until the Asian dude get’s shot in the leg and is eaten by a shark. The Russian dude then looks all happy and shit but then gets his face torn off by something or another.
No, really. This is how the film starts.
So the next scene is a beach at the coast of LA or Florence or somewhere, and there’re lots of unnecessary ass shots of chicks in bikinis. There’s some chick that’s busy putting on a wet suit and some shots of two surfer guys, who are apparently the main characters, disappointingly enough. One of them, the MAIN HERO, is a dude named Fin (no, really) and some other guy whose name I forget, but he’s Certifiably Australian Tasmanian (supposedly).
The Certified Aussie and Finnish McFinFan are dicking around in the water and surfing or whatever, and then Finland Von Assdouche starts flirting with the chick in the wet suit and shit, and you think, “Okay, there’s been some close up shots of this chick’s bikini. She must be important!” NOPE. She gets eaten by a supposed shark, and drowns in a pool of red food coloring. Certified Aussie and Finfuck get to shore, but not until a shark bits Certified Aussie’s leg and causes more red food coloring to seep out into the ocean.
(NOTE: Despite Certified Aussie’s leg having been bitten and doused in food coloring, he runs around like a freaky douche all throughout the movie like his leg is perfectly fine and not covered in food dye.)
Finnyfinfin tries to warn the people on the beach to get out because “DUDE SHARK” but because this is LA or Oregon they’re all stupid and get eaten. Whoo.
(One of my favorite deaths is this one chick who just falls down for no apparent reason, and she has a small bloody spot on her neck, but nothing to indicate a shark attacked her, or that anything happened to her at all. I like to think she tripped over the extension cord the camcorder that this movie was clearly shot with was hooked up to.)
At some point there was some scene (I can’t remember the exact sequencing, because I’m in the process of trying to forget it) set in a beachside bar which Fintin supposedly owns that introduced two other characters: Nova, a barmaidess with one of the stupidest names in the universe and some vague backstory involving a shark attack, and Stu (not the actual name), the World’s Drunkest Fuck, who seems to be permanently welded to the stool stuck to his ass.
I should point out here that I immediately hated Nova and the actress playing her. I’m not really sure why. The whole movie I rooted for her death, got rewarded, and then cheated. More on that later.
So Fickle Findick and Certified Aussie get to the bar, shoot the shit for a few minutes, ignoring the shark attack to make some jabs at Stu the World’s Drunkest Fuck, show that Nova has the hots for Fintard (eeeewwww, to both parties), and that he doesn’t reciprocate said hots because he has the worlds ugliest wife that he has marriage problems with because reasons and he still loves her because her face could crack mirrors.
But then the sharks are somehow whipped through the glass and there’s more people getting eaten. Fingers and Nova grab some guns from nowhere to shoot the fuck out of the sharks, with one being killed by having a gas canister stuck in it’s mouth and having it blown up (hmm… that seems familiar).
(Sharknado knows it’s a terrible film, so it tries to emulate better films and fail miserably. Also, somehow Fin “I-got-rejected-by-every-single-girl-and-guy-in-high-school-so-I’m-a-raging-flaming-waste-of-carbon” and Nova of “Derrr, I have teeth” fame somehow have excellent gunmanship skills, which get ever more ridiculous as the film goes on.)
Soon Finfuggermuggernart, Certified Aussie, Stu the World’s Fuckest Drunk, and Nova clamber into an SUV that happens to be there and try to escape to Beverly Hills, except the storm is flooding the streets, which is allowing the sharks to also come inland.
Well, I say “flooding”, but it’s more like there’s two inches of water on the road, and somehow the sharks are able to swim in tiny puddles.
Not much happens, except for this one part where our Intrepid Gang© comes across some people stranded in an inch of water. Finscrotum tries to save them from the puddle jumping sharks, and, unfortunately, mostly succeeds. There’s one chick whose dog is trapped in her car, and Stu the Worlds Drunkest Fuck finally puts his stool to good use and uses it to smash open the car window, enabling the dog, the only actual actor in this entire film, to escape. However, Stu “The Stoolman” Stewart, the World Drunkest Fuck, just stupidly lingers around the one quarter of a centimeter of rainwater, and gets eaten by a shark. He doesn’t try to run, doesn’t listen to his friends to get out of the half-a-cup's worth of shark water, doesn’t do anything except turn towards the shark and say “Oh, crap.” with little to no inflection or emotion. The shark immediately died of alcohol poisoning.
But the Intrepid Gang doesn’t mourn the death of their friend and Guinness Book of World Records holder of Drunkest Man to Have Still Functioning Liver, as they get over it and move on to better things in ten seconds.
Soon the Intrepid Gang is on their way again, and during the trip we learn that Fin I’m Running Out of Insulting Names has an ugly-ass daughter and an ugly-ass son, and that they all live in an ugly-ass house in the ugliest part of LA. Eventually they manage against all odds to arrive at Fin’s house, and he tries to convince his wife, Finny, and daughter, Fin Jr., both products of thousands of generations of inbreeding, to escape with him and his Intrepid Gang.
At first she’s resistant to this, and is all “Fin, we have an unexplained past history that somehow makes us estranged, so I don’t want to go with you” and Fin is like “But Newt, honey, there’s, like, sharks out there,” and she’s all like “I’ve got a new boyfriend, he’s the worlds greatest douchebag after you and that Nova chick, and he treats me like shit so I love him, kthnxby,” and Douchebag McGee, the boyfriend, is like “Yeah, Finnyfinfin, what she said,” and Fin is like “That name was already used,” and Douchebag McGee is like “Yeah, well, FUCK YOU, and furthermore OH FUCK IT’S A SHARK AND I’VE BEEN EATEN” and Fin is like “I have no reason to like you so I’ll try and rescue you even though you’re head first into the sharks gullet, and oh look I’ve managed to rescue your severed legs. Oh well.”
So Fin and Co. manage to escape the house after it gets flooded with about two feet of water, a record high for LA, which causes the house to implode (it really does!). Now the Intrepid Gang is trying to make their way to some flight school where his son is, and the storm stops and everyone’s like “YAY!” but then Fin comes across a school bus full of thirty-eight year old middle school students and a bus driver who manages to snatch the title of “WORLDS UGLIEST PERSON” from Fin’s wife. Now Fin is like “I have to save them” and his wife is like “bitch bitch bitch complain complain” and Fin is like “You make a good point, but I have to save these middle-aged children!”
So he drives over a bridge that the bus is under and for some reason has a winch and rope set that he uses to rappel down to the bus. All of the kids are rescued, along with Fat Ass the bus driver. One everyone’s safe, the storm picks up again and destroys the Hollywood sign, like any proper disaster movie must. So everyone tries to dodge the debris of this iconic landmark that’s whipping at them at about 15 miles per hour, and everyone survives, even Fat Ass. The wind dies down again, and everyone’s like “YAY!” and even Fat Ass is happy and he’s all like “I’m alive! YAY!” but then a giant piece of metal falls from the sky and crushes him and the Intrepid Gang is like “oh, well.”
So now the journey continues. Their SUV breaks down and dies for no reason, and they steel some truck from a Hollywood prop studio or something, that comes with a spiked grill and a Nitrous Button that by all rights shouldn’t work, because it’s, y’know, a prop truck, but it does and even turns out to be a “plot” contrivance.
They eventually reach the flight school, which is next to a retirement home for not even god knows why. Fin finds his son, Fin 2, hiding behind some corrugated steel with some other dudes, and Fin’s like “YAY!” but then the wind picks up again because this time there’s a tornado… WITH SHARKS IN IT. Someone yells what has to be the stupidest “We have a Title” moments ever: “IT’S A SHARKNADO.” The period is there because even though it was yelled, the actor yelling it did not do it well enough to be rewarded an exclamation mark.
So Fin is like “I’m not going to keep running, I’m going to fight it,” and I’m like “WHAT THE FUCK?! How do you fight a fucking tornado sharknado?” and Certified Aussie is like “hey, let’s go find some weapons in this conveniently well stocked supply room. Hey look, gas canisters! We can make bombs out of these!” and Fin 2 is like “But how and why?” and Certified Aussie is like “tornadoes occur when hot air and cold air meet, which is extremely oversimplifying things and is probably the only thing the writers actually know about tornadoes. But if you throw a bomb in the middle of a tornado, then the heat will cause it to equalize, which is utterly batshit insane and not how real life works, so the writers of this film should do their research and then be shot in the head with large caliber bullets so their eyeballs get blasted out of their splattered skulls and sent flying for miles.”
And Fin 2 is like “cool, I’ll fly the one remaining helicopter that has miraculously not been destroyed by the storm and throw the bombs in, and it shouldn't be hard because there’s only three of them.” and Fin is like “But your my son, please don’t.” and Fin 2 is like “It’s okay, Nova is coming with me, because we bonded and she likes me (which is kinda gross because she initially had the hots for you) because she told me her sob story involving sharks that is the reason she hates sharks because when she was a little girl her grandfather or something took her out to fish or something and they ran aground on a reef or something and there were sharks or something and long story short they ate everyone but her.” And Fin is like “Mmm…. Okay.”
Meanwhile, Certified Aussie is busy loading up the truck thing with bombs, and he’s like “In case Fin 2 fails, I’ll suicide bomb one of the sharknados and go out in a blaze of glory, because my leg is busted from that shark attack at the beginning of the film, even though it’s been perfectly fine this whole time.” And Fin is like “But your my friend, please don’t.” and Certified Aussie is like “I've gotta” and Fin is like “Mmm…. Okay.” So he goes back to setting up the truck and some of the dudes that Fin 2 was hiding like a sissy with are helping Certified Aussie set us up the bomb, and then a shark is flung at these dudes and one of them is impaled on the spikes by getting slammed with the shark, and I’m like “I knew that was going to happen.” And then the wind picks up again and Certified Aussie is torn away and sucked up into the sharknado, making his entire role in the film pointless.
Fin is like “No.” and gets over it in two seconds. He then gets his Intrepid Gang to get to the retirement home because those are apparently safe places.
Meanwhile, Fin 2 and Nova are in the helicopter throwing bombs at the sharknados causing them to explode and fizzle out, sending hundreds of thousands of sharks plummeting to the ground below, as well as sending a bunch of them flying towards Fin and Co., but it’s okay because Fin is a master marksman who can blast away the sharks who weigh over 200 pounds and are flying at sixty miles per hour with a small pistol. He also chainsaws one in half as it’s flying towards him.
The second stupidest part of the movie is when one shark lands in the retirement home swimming pool and Fin kills it not by letting die from the chlorine, because it can somehow survive that, but by dumping all of the chlorine into the pool and then lighting some matches and throwing them into the pool, causing it to explode. I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP. IT REALLY HAPPENED.
During the attempt to destroy Sharknado #2, Nova falls out of the helicopter and is swallowed by a shark, and I’m like “YAY!” and feeling like the film now has one redeeming quality. So Fin 2 is like “No.” and gets over it and destroys Sharknado #2, but his helicopter is damaged and he’s forced to land perfectly safe and fine.
So now there’s only one sharknado left, and Fin is like, “I’ma gonna drive the bomb truck into that sucker and save the day.” And so he grabs a chainsaw and speeds off and presses the nitrous button to try and be cool and then the truck gets sucked up and he ducks out of the truck that’s going over 200 miles per hour in midair… and jumps into a shark.
But you know he’s going to survive because he has the chainsaw, and indeed, when the the shark lands he cuts his way out… and drags Nova out with him, at which point I was filled with so much hate for this movie that it’s impossible to put into words. Even worse, she survives. I wanted to stop watching the movie at that point, but Darth Rabbitt, who was watching the movie with me and wasn't worth mentioning to this point, wanted to see the last two minutes. Every time I think about that scene, I feel cheated.
So everyone’s like “YAY!” and then Nova tells Fin 2 her real name, and this is supposed to be some sort of big deal but it’s really lame and retarded and no cares, and the screen cuts to black with the word “Fin”, like they think they’re clever or something.
STUPID QUESTIONS:
[*]How do the sharks survive being picked up hundreds of feet in the air and being whipped around at hundreds of miles per hour? HOW?
[*]How did Nova survive being eaten by a shark after falling out of the helicopter and into a shark’s open maw? For that matter, how the ever-loving fuck did Fin manage to jump into the exact shark that Nova happened to fall into? And why did she have to live? WHY?
[*]Why the fuck is the main character called Fin?
[*]Why does a flight school have a supply room equipped with guns, chainsaws, and the materials to make bombs?
[*]Blowing up a pool with chlorine and a match book? “Equalizing” a tornado with a bomb? Seriously, just, just… what the fuck. God, do I hate this movie.
I saw Sharknado the other day, and I must say that it is one of the worst films I have ever seen, and that’s saying something. Because I like you all so much, here’s my rant.
I went into it expecting an hour or so’s worth of schlocky entertainment. This hope was dashed the minute I saw that fact that it was an Asylum film.
For those of you fortunate enough to be ignorant about Asylum’s existence, then you should know that they make three kinds of films: horrifically terrible knock-offs of current, big-name blockbuster films (these are what Asylum is most well known for), bad sex comedies, and every single SyFy original movie ever to disgrace the history of television, of which Sharknado was another in a long and proud tradition of crimes against humanity and several species of moss. It's like they try to make the worst movies possible.
So, back to Sharknado. The basic “premise” is that a super storm has formed off the coast of LA and there are sharks inside the storm that are deposited on LA, and the cheesiest CGI sharks ever made and some of the worst “actors” to graduate from Fluffy’s Discount Skool O’ Actin’™ get killed the most stupidest, pointless, unnecessary and gratuitously violent manner possible.
The supposed special effects in the film would have looked bad even in the mid-eighties. Hell, it would have looked bad in the mid-forties. The CGI in this movie is some of the worst I’ve seen in an Asylum film, and that’s really saying something.
The film starts the way most Asylum films do: With a scene that is supposedly supposed to set up and expositionize the film, but ultimately has nothing to do with anything ever. This time, the scene is a fishing boat in the middle of CGI ocean that’s probably a rendering of the director’s tub during bath time.
Apparently, this boat is an illegal fishing boat full of illegal fishermen catching rubber shark props for their fins or something in shark filled waters. This isn’t really made all that clear, as the only thing that implies it is the stereotypical Shady and Amoral Russian Shark Hunting Boat Captain and the stereotypical Asian Guy Who Looks Asian but Sounds Whiter Than Princess Di engaging in some sort of shady business deal about buying the Illegal Shark Fins®. This scene is really riveting and gripping as the SAARSHBC guy vaguely threatens AGWLABSWTPD dude with a vague gun prop to pay ONE MILLION DOLLARS for the fins, and the AGWLABSWTPD dude agrees because he’s French and thus has no courage.
Then the SAARSHBC guy says some line about people shouldn’t fear sharks, sharks should fear people, because gun’s don’t kill people, people kill guns. But seriously, it’s like this guy is begging for a Sharknado to happen.
And happen it does, as a storm then begins to whip up. Apparently the sharks are swept up by the storm and are flopped onto the boat where they begin to unconvincingly eat the crew, until only the AGWLABSWTPD dude and the SAARSHBC guy are left. There’re some confusing bits about the Asian guy trying to run off with the fins for himself or something, and the Russian guy shoots at him and the Asian guy shoots back and so on until the Asian dude get’s shot in the leg and is eaten by a shark. The Russian dude then looks all happy and shit but then gets his face torn off by something or another.
No, really. This is how the film starts.
So the next scene is a beach at the coast of LA or Florence or somewhere, and there’re lots of unnecessary ass shots of chicks in bikinis. There’s some chick that’s busy putting on a wet suit and some shots of two surfer guys, who are apparently the main characters, disappointingly enough. One of them, the MAIN HERO, is a dude named Fin (no, really) and some other guy whose name I forget, but he’s Certifiably Australian Tasmanian (supposedly).
The Certified Aussie and Finnish McFinFan are dicking around in the water and surfing or whatever, and then Finland Von Assdouche starts flirting with the chick in the wet suit and shit, and you think, “Okay, there’s been some close up shots of this chick’s bikini. She must be important!” NOPE. She gets eaten by a supposed shark, and drowns in a pool of red food coloring. Certified Aussie and Finfuck get to shore, but not until a shark bits Certified Aussie’s leg and causes more red food coloring to seep out into the ocean.
(NOTE: Despite Certified Aussie’s leg having been bitten and doused in food coloring, he runs around like a freaky douche all throughout the movie like his leg is perfectly fine and not covered in food dye.)
Finnyfinfin tries to warn the people on the beach to get out because “DUDE SHARK” but because this is LA or Oregon they’re all stupid and get eaten. Whoo.
(One of my favorite deaths is this one chick who just falls down for no apparent reason, and she has a small bloody spot on her neck, but nothing to indicate a shark attacked her, or that anything happened to her at all. I like to think she tripped over the extension cord the camcorder that this movie was clearly shot with was hooked up to.)
At some point there was some scene (I can’t remember the exact sequencing, because I’m in the process of trying to forget it) set in a beachside bar which Fintin supposedly owns that introduced two other characters: Nova, a barmaidess with one of the stupidest names in the universe and some vague backstory involving a shark attack, and Stu (not the actual name), the World’s Drunkest Fuck, who seems to be permanently welded to the stool stuck to his ass.
I should point out here that I immediately hated Nova and the actress playing her. I’m not really sure why. The whole movie I rooted for her death, got rewarded, and then cheated. More on that later.
So Fickle Findick and Certified Aussie get to the bar, shoot the shit for a few minutes, ignoring the shark attack to make some jabs at Stu the World’s Drunkest Fuck, show that Nova has the hots for Fintard (eeeewwww, to both parties), and that he doesn’t reciprocate said hots because he has the worlds ugliest wife that he has marriage problems with because reasons and he still loves her because her face could crack mirrors.
But then the sharks are somehow whipped through the glass and there’s more people getting eaten. Fingers and Nova grab some guns from nowhere to shoot the fuck out of the sharks, with one being killed by having a gas canister stuck in it’s mouth and having it blown up (hmm… that seems familiar).
(Sharknado knows it’s a terrible film, so it tries to emulate better films and fail miserably. Also, somehow Fin “I-got-rejected-by-every-single-girl-and-guy-in-high-school-so-I’m-a-raging-flaming-waste-of-carbon” and Nova of “Derrr, I have teeth” fame somehow have excellent gunmanship skills, which get ever more ridiculous as the film goes on.)
Soon Finfuggermuggernart, Certified Aussie, Stu the World’s Fuckest Drunk, and Nova clamber into an SUV that happens to be there and try to escape to Beverly Hills, except the storm is flooding the streets, which is allowing the sharks to also come inland.
Well, I say “flooding”, but it’s more like there’s two inches of water on the road, and somehow the sharks are able to swim in tiny puddles.
Not much happens, except for this one part where our Intrepid Gang© comes across some people stranded in an inch of water. Finscrotum tries to save them from the puddle jumping sharks, and, unfortunately, mostly succeeds. There’s one chick whose dog is trapped in her car, and Stu the Worlds Drunkest Fuck finally puts his stool to good use and uses it to smash open the car window, enabling the dog, the only actual actor in this entire film, to escape. However, Stu “The Stoolman” Stewart, the World Drunkest Fuck, just stupidly lingers around the one quarter of a centimeter of rainwater, and gets eaten by a shark. He doesn’t try to run, doesn’t listen to his friends to get out of the half-a-cup's worth of shark water, doesn’t do anything except turn towards the shark and say “Oh, crap.” with little to no inflection or emotion. The shark immediately died of alcohol poisoning.
But the Intrepid Gang doesn’t mourn the death of their friend and Guinness Book of World Records holder of Drunkest Man to Have Still Functioning Liver, as they get over it and move on to better things in ten seconds.
Soon the Intrepid Gang is on their way again, and during the trip we learn that Fin I’m Running Out of Insulting Names has an ugly-ass daughter and an ugly-ass son, and that they all live in an ugly-ass house in the ugliest part of LA. Eventually they manage against all odds to arrive at Fin’s house, and he tries to convince his wife, Finny, and daughter, Fin Jr., both products of thousands of generations of inbreeding, to escape with him and his Intrepid Gang.
At first she’s resistant to this, and is all “Fin, we have an unexplained past history that somehow makes us estranged, so I don’t want to go with you” and Fin is like “But Newt, honey, there’s, like, sharks out there,” and she’s all like “I’ve got a new boyfriend, he’s the worlds greatest douchebag after you and that Nova chick, and he treats me like shit so I love him, kthnxby,” and Douchebag McGee, the boyfriend, is like “Yeah, Finnyfinfin, what she said,” and Fin is like “That name was already used,” and Douchebag McGee is like “Yeah, well, FUCK YOU, and furthermore OH FUCK IT’S A SHARK AND I’VE BEEN EATEN” and Fin is like “I have no reason to like you so I’ll try and rescue you even though you’re head first into the sharks gullet, and oh look I’ve managed to rescue your severed legs. Oh well.”
So Fin and Co. manage to escape the house after it gets flooded with about two feet of water, a record high for LA, which causes the house to implode (it really does!). Now the Intrepid Gang is trying to make their way to some flight school where his son is, and the storm stops and everyone’s like “YAY!” but then Fin comes across a school bus full of thirty-eight year old middle school students and a bus driver who manages to snatch the title of “WORLDS UGLIEST PERSON” from Fin’s wife. Now Fin is like “I have to save them” and his wife is like “bitch bitch bitch complain complain” and Fin is like “You make a good point, but I have to save these middle-aged children!”
So he drives over a bridge that the bus is under and for some reason has a winch and rope set that he uses to rappel down to the bus. All of the kids are rescued, along with Fat Ass the bus driver. One everyone’s safe, the storm picks up again and destroys the Hollywood sign, like any proper disaster movie must. So everyone tries to dodge the debris of this iconic landmark that’s whipping at them at about 15 miles per hour, and everyone survives, even Fat Ass. The wind dies down again, and everyone’s like “YAY!” and even Fat Ass is happy and he’s all like “I’m alive! YAY!” but then a giant piece of metal falls from the sky and crushes him and the Intrepid Gang is like “oh, well.”
So now the journey continues. Their SUV breaks down and dies for no reason, and they steel some truck from a Hollywood prop studio or something, that comes with a spiked grill and a Nitrous Button that by all rights shouldn’t work, because it’s, y’know, a prop truck, but it does and even turns out to be a “plot” contrivance.
They eventually reach the flight school, which is next to a retirement home for not even god knows why. Fin finds his son, Fin 2, hiding behind some corrugated steel with some other dudes, and Fin’s like “YAY!” but then the wind picks up again because this time there’s a tornado… WITH SHARKS IN IT. Someone yells what has to be the stupidest “We have a Title” moments ever: “IT’S A SHARKNADO.” The period is there because even though it was yelled, the actor yelling it did not do it well enough to be rewarded an exclamation mark.
So Fin is like “I’m not going to keep running, I’m going to fight it,” and I’m like “WHAT THE FUCK?! How do you fight a fucking tornado sharknado?” and Certified Aussie is like “hey, let’s go find some weapons in this conveniently well stocked supply room. Hey look, gas canisters! We can make bombs out of these!” and Fin 2 is like “But how and why?” and Certified Aussie is like “tornadoes occur when hot air and cold air meet, which is extremely oversimplifying things and is probably the only thing the writers actually know about tornadoes. But if you throw a bomb in the middle of a tornado, then the heat will cause it to equalize, which is utterly batshit insane and not how real life works, so the writers of this film should do their research and then be shot in the head with large caliber bullets so their eyeballs get blasted out of their splattered skulls and sent flying for miles.”
And Fin 2 is like “cool, I’ll fly the one remaining helicopter that has miraculously not been destroyed by the storm and throw the bombs in, and it shouldn't be hard because there’s only three of them.” and Fin is like “But your my son, please don’t.” and Fin 2 is like “It’s okay, Nova is coming with me, because we bonded and she likes me (which is kinda gross because she initially had the hots for you) because she told me her sob story involving sharks that is the reason she hates sharks because when she was a little girl her grandfather or something took her out to fish or something and they ran aground on a reef or something and there were sharks or something and long story short they ate everyone but her.” And Fin is like “Mmm…. Okay.”
Meanwhile, Certified Aussie is busy loading up the truck thing with bombs, and he’s like “In case Fin 2 fails, I’ll suicide bomb one of the sharknados and go out in a blaze of glory, because my leg is busted from that shark attack at the beginning of the film, even though it’s been perfectly fine this whole time.” And Fin is like “But your my friend, please don’t.” and Certified Aussie is like “I've gotta” and Fin is like “Mmm…. Okay.” So he goes back to setting up the truck and some of the dudes that Fin 2 was hiding like a sissy with are helping Certified Aussie set us up the bomb, and then a shark is flung at these dudes and one of them is impaled on the spikes by getting slammed with the shark, and I’m like “I knew that was going to happen.” And then the wind picks up again and Certified Aussie is torn away and sucked up into the sharknado, making his entire role in the film pointless.
Fin is like “No.” and gets over it in two seconds. He then gets his Intrepid Gang to get to the retirement home because those are apparently safe places.
Meanwhile, Fin 2 and Nova are in the helicopter throwing bombs at the sharknados causing them to explode and fizzle out, sending hundreds of thousands of sharks plummeting to the ground below, as well as sending a bunch of them flying towards Fin and Co., but it’s okay because Fin is a master marksman who can blast away the sharks who weigh over 200 pounds and are flying at sixty miles per hour with a small pistol. He also chainsaws one in half as it’s flying towards him.
The second stupidest part of the movie is when one shark lands in the retirement home swimming pool and Fin kills it not by letting die from the chlorine, because it can somehow survive that, but by dumping all of the chlorine into the pool and then lighting some matches and throwing them into the pool, causing it to explode. I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP. IT REALLY HAPPENED.
During the attempt to destroy Sharknado #2, Nova falls out of the helicopter and is swallowed by a shark, and I’m like “YAY!” and feeling like the film now has one redeeming quality. So Fin 2 is like “No.” and gets over it and destroys Sharknado #2, but his helicopter is damaged and he’s forced to land perfectly safe and fine.
So now there’s only one sharknado left, and Fin is like, “I’ma gonna drive the bomb truck into that sucker and save the day.” And so he grabs a chainsaw and speeds off and presses the nitrous button to try and be cool and then the truck gets sucked up and he ducks out of the truck that’s going over 200 miles per hour in midair… and jumps into a shark.
But you know he’s going to survive because he has the chainsaw, and indeed, when the the shark lands he cuts his way out… and drags Nova out with him, at which point I was filled with so much hate for this movie that it’s impossible to put into words. Even worse, she survives. I wanted to stop watching the movie at that point, but Darth Rabbitt, who was watching the movie with me and wasn't worth mentioning to this point, wanted to see the last two minutes. Every time I think about that scene, I feel cheated.
So everyone’s like “YAY!” and then Nova tells Fin 2 her real name, and this is supposed to be some sort of big deal but it’s really lame and retarded and no cares, and the screen cuts to black with the word “Fin”, like they think they’re clever or something.
STUPID QUESTIONS:
[*]How do the sharks survive being picked up hundreds of feet in the air and being whipped around at hundreds of miles per hour? HOW?
[*]How did Nova survive being eaten by a shark after falling out of the helicopter and into a shark’s open maw? For that matter, how the ever-loving fuck did Fin manage to jump into the exact shark that Nova happened to fall into? And why did she have to live? WHY?
[*]Why the fuck is the main character called Fin?
[*]Why does a flight school have a supply room equipped with guns, chainsaws, and the materials to make bombs?
[*]Blowing up a pool with chlorine and a match book? “Equalizing” a tornado with a bomb? Seriously, just, just… what the fuck. God, do I hate this movie.