2e Monster Manual "Review" Electric Boogaloo

angelfromanotherpin · Post by **angelfromanotherpin** » Wed Apr 10, 2013 1:26 pm

FrankTrollman wrote:I mean, you're basically talking to a super slow version of Philosoraptor.

-Username17

OgreBattle · Post by **OgreBattle** » Wed Apr 10, 2013 1:50 pm

That illustration is way less cool than the original

zugschef · Post by **zugschef** » Fri Apr 12, 2013 2:00 pm

creepy

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:47 am

CUSTOM MONSTER ENTRY: REDUX

Since I have redacted the last entry (the custom monster entry), I have decided to try again, this time with an actual... thingy...

Bonnacon

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Central Asia
FREQUENCY: Very rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Herbivore, people
INTELLIGENCE: Animal (1)
TREASURE: Nil
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
_____________________________

NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 15
MOVEMENT: 10
HIT DICE: 10
THAC0: 13
NO. OF ATTACKS: See Below
DAMAGE/ATTACK: See Below
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Special (See Below)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Nil
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 10%
SIZE: L (7' tall)
MORALE: Unsteady
XP VALUE: 3,500

The bonnacon is a strange creature that lives in the darkest reaches of the Orient. The bonnacon has the mane of a horse, but in all other respects resembles a bull.

Combat: They are skittish animals, preferring to run away than to fight and die. The bonnacons horns are curved back in such a manner as to be of no use for fighting, and it is said that because of this it saves itself by running away, meanwhile emitting a trail of dung that sometimes covers a distance of as much as three furlongs, contact with which scorches pursuers like a sort of fire. This burning dung deals 1d6 points of fire damage, and the victim must make a save vs. wand, because why the fuck not. If the victim fails, they will begin to develop severe blisters and burns where they were shat upon, dealing 1d4 points of CON damage until treated. Regardless of the result of the save, the victim will regardless be nauseated for 1d8 rounds, unable to act due to the disgustingness of being covered in shit. During this whole shitting attack, the bonnacon will make good it's escape. It is recommended to catch a bonnacon unawares if one wishes to capture and/or kill the beast.

Habitat/Society: Bonnacons are just like any other animal, bonnacons are stupid beasts that exist only to serve the higher races, and as such have no society. They live with the savage Orients in the the Orient. Stupid bastards.

Ecology: Bonnacons are pretty much bulls with lions manes and burning super-shit, so what applies to bulls applies to the bonnacon as well. Natch.

There, much better.

(By the by, the bonnacon is also a monster in Final Fantasy XI.)

wotmaniac · Post by **wotmaniac** » Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:21 am

Shrapnel wrote:EDIT: This (the custom monster entry) wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be, so I'm throwing it all out. I am deeply ashamed that it ever happened.

@Avoraciopoctules:
WTF is all that wall-o-text about? That's quite an overwhelming review for such an underwhelming creature.

(of course, that's also the most gratuitous creature entry I've ever seen)

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:42 am

The bullywugs are coming!

Bullywug

Climate/Terrain: Tropical, subtropical, and temperate/Swamp
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Tribal
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low to average (5-10)
Treasure: J,K,M,Q, (×5); C in lair
Alignment: Chaotic evil
No. Appearing: 10-80
Armor Class: 6 (better with armor)
Movement: 3, Sw 15 (9 in armor)
Hit Dice: 1
THAC0: 19
No. of Attacks: 3 or 1
Damage/Attack: 1-2/1-2/2-5 or by weapon
Special Attacks: Hop
Special Defenses: Camouflage
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: S to M (4-7’)
Morale: Average (10)
XP Value: 65

Description: Bullywugs are humanoid frogs ranging in size from smaller than the average human to larger than the average human. So they're the size of humans. They have a natural AC of 6, but wear armor whenever possible (but doesn't give examples of what kinds of armor they would wear.)
Combat:They have "outstanding camouflage abilities" but it isn't mentioned what that means mechanically. Combined with their leaping abilities (which will be described soon) this gives opponents a -2 penalty to opponents' surprise rolls (even though IIRC rolling low for initiative is good in 2e. Goddammit 2e.) They also have a hop attack that gives +1 to attack rolls and doubles damage of impaling weapons.

A Bullywug in combat.
Habitat/Society:Bullywugs are apparently fascist. No, really:

More intelligent than frogs, all bullywugs live in organized or semi-organized socially fascist groups, cooperating for the purpose of hunting and survival.

They are presumably close allies of Yertle the Turtle.

Bullywug society is a savage one. Males are the dominant sex, and females exist only to lay eggs. Though females and young make up about one-half of any tribe, they count for little in the social order.

So they're Moral Majority members, then? I suppose they are fascists. (On an aside, are there any evil races other than the drow that aren't male dominated? Are there any evil races at all that have gender equality?)

The only signs of respect that bullywugs ever bestow are toward their leader and their bizarre frog god. The race is chaotic evil, and totally lacking in any higher emotions or feelings.

They literally worship Giant Frog! Also, they know feelings are for goths emos scenes hipsters losers. Leaders in small communities or "subleaders" in medium-sized ones have 8 HP, leaders in medium-sized communities or "subchieftains" in large ones have 2 HD, at least 12 HP, and +1 to damage. Chieftains have 3 HD, at least 20 HP, and +2 to damage. However, mysteriously these aren't listed as giving out more XP than the garden-variety bullywug. Whoops. Bullywugs aren't as individualistic as other CE races, because they're stupid (orcs are listed as being a Chaotic race, even though they are Lawful in 2e. Double whoops.)

The tribes are lead by the dominant male, who kills and eats the previous leader when it is too old to rule.

Metal.
Ecology: Bullywugs are said to damage ecology rather than participate in it. They strip all resources from an area before moving on to another.

A bullywug society.
They hate humans (oh noes!) but live far enough away from them that they rarely fight with them.
Advanced Bullywugs: There are also advanced bullywugs mentioned, but other than being said to be larger than your earth bullywugs, and with a higher degree of intelligence, don't have any special stats.
Conclusions: Shame that they don't have any attacks involving their tongue (the illustration got me hyped up, with the whole Gene Simmons impression.) They're basically palette swaps of Grippli (reviewed by Sigil on page 5) but marsh frogs rather than tree frogs that are evil and less intelligent. I like the concept of frog people, but D&D fails to deliver on them.

Red_Rob · Post by **Red_Rob** » Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:35 am

Darth Rabbitt wrote:They have "outstanding camouflage abilities" but it isn't mentioned what that means mechanically. Combined with their leaping abilities (which will be described soon) this gives opponents a -2 penalty to opponents' surprise rolls (even though IIRC rolling low for initiative is good in 2e. Goddammit 2e.)

The surprise roll was different to the initiative roll. When two groups happened upon each other both rolled a D10 and on a 1 they were surprised and the other side got a free round. Various things altered this in their own funky and noninteractive ways because apparently in the 90's we were all retarded and couldn't come up with the idea of a unified system for doing things.

Bullywugs just look too goofy to be Chaotic Evil IMHO. Frogs are inherently a rather comical animal at the best of times, so painting them as these psycho-fascists never really gelled with me.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Mon Apr 15, 2013 11:44 am

Oh, OK; thanks for clearing that up.

The lesson is: never underestimate how awkward and counter-intuitive the 2e rules are.

And yeah, that illustration is pretty damn goofy.

Username17 · Post by **Username17** » Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:31 pm

Darth Rabbit wrote:On an aside, are there any evil races other than the drow that aren't male dominated? Are there any evil races at all that have gender equality?

The Githyanki are ruled by the iron fist of a Lich Queen as I recall.

Almost all of the races introduced in third edition have gender equality. So Braxat tribes are specifically gender equal despite their evil wickedness. That starts in Monster Manual 2, since of course almost all of the monsters in the Monster Manual 1 are reprints from earlier editions. The Monster Manual 3 is almost entirely composed of new bullshit monsters, so most of them are gender equal.

-Username17

hyzmarca · Post by **hyzmarca** » Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:31 pm

So, basically, the average Chaotic Evil cannibal monsters are more egalitarian than modern humans?

Schleiermacher · Post by **Schleiermacher** » Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:04 pm

Well, they have very different religions and cultural background than modern humans, so it makes sense that they might have less bullshit gender essentialist baggage -but since their communities mostly seem to run by "might makes right"-principles, they probably aren't all that egalitarian in practice.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:55 pm

"Might makes right" sure as hell isn't egalitarian, but it is meritocratic.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:24 am

Nymphs are a female dominated evil race...

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Apr 17, 2013 2:07 am

Banshee

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any
FREQUENCY: Very rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Night
DIET: Nil
INTELLIGENCE: Exceptional (15-16)
TREASURE: (D)
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
_____________________________

NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 0
MOVEMENT: 15
HIT DICE: 7
THAC0: 13
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-8
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Death Wail
SPECIAL DEFENSES: +1 or better weapon to hit
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 50%
SIZE: M (5'-6' long)
MORALE: Elite (13)
XP VALUE: 4,000

The banshee, or "groaning spirit", or "any and every pop star since the dawn of time", is the spirit of an evil female elf -- a very rare common thing indeed. Banshee hate the living, and anything resembling actual music, finding their presence painful, and seek to harm whomever they meet with their terrible, terrible signing.

Banshees appear as floating, luminous phantasms of their former selves. Their image glows brightly at night, but it is transparent in sunlight, just like their personalities. Most banshees look young, but are really quite hideous, and none of them can be considered "beautiful" by any meaningful standard. The hair of a banshee is usually well maintained, due to the army of undead thralls they employ to prevent from looking any more like a dead tribble than it already does. They usually dress in the bloodied remains of their last victim or otherwise really, really stupid and gaudy.

Her face is blank and incapable of expressing emotion, due to all that deadly poison swirlin' around in there. The only thing that shows any hint of animation is their eyes - they are filled with self-loathing and a complete lack of self-respect as a human being.

Combat: Banshees are formidable opponents. The mere sight of one causes fear, unless a successful saving throw vs. spell is rolled. Those who fail must flee in terror of their shitass music for 10 rounds and are 50% likely to drop any items they were carrying in their hands, because for no other reason than "ha ha, you're a coward and you suck because of it".
A banshee's most dreaded weapon is it's wail or keen. Any creature within 30 feet of a groaning spirit when she keens must roll a saving throw vs. death magic. Those who fail die immediately, their faces contorted in terrified disgust. Fortunately, most people just change the station before they come on, and banshees can only keen once a day, and even then only at night, anyway. The touch of a groaning spirit causes 1d8 points of damage, because the writer needed some way of having the banshee attack normally, so why not?
Banshees are noncorporeal, and thus invulnerable to the opinions of others and weapons of less than +1 enchantment. In addition, they are highly resistant to magic (50%) and lasting relationships based on actual emotional feelings and not because their agent told them to go out with that dude because it'd be good publicity (see: Katy Perry's short-lived marriage to Russell Brand). They are fully vulnerable to charm, because their egos are the only part of them that isn't small. The are immune to sleep, hold, and drugs spells, and to cold- and electricity-based attacks. Holy water and good music cause 2d4 points of damage if used against them. An dispel evil spell will kill a banshee. They are turned as a "special" undead.
Banshees can sense the presence of living creatures up to five miles away. Any creature that remains within five miles of a banshee lair is sure to be attacked when night falls. The nature of this attack varies with the victim. Beasts and less threatening characters are killed via touch. Adventurers or demihumans (PCs, in other words) are attacked via keening. Creatures powerful enough to enough to withstand the creatures awful singing are left alone.
When attacking players adventurers, the banshee attacks at night with her wail. If any characters save successfully, she then retreats to her lair. Thereafter, each night, the banshee returns to wail again. The routine is repeated until all of the victims are dead or have left the banshees domain, or until the groaning spirit is slain. This happened during the filming of Titanic.
Never, under any circumstances, slash open a banshees face; to do so would release the poison inside, and would surely instantly kill anyone it splashed on.

Habitat/Society: Banshees loathe all living things and thus make their homes in Hollywood or wherever famous people go to die inside. They hide by day, when they cannot keen, and usually during this time they can be found recording new crap. By night, they wander the countryside. The land encircling a banshees 4000 acre, 200 room McMansions is strewn with the bones of their victims, usually beasts who wandered to close to their lairs or the remains of rabid fans. Once a banshee establishes a home, she stays there, unless she defaults on her taxes and the feds have to repossess it, or she gets to addicted to heroin or something and has to sell it to pay off gambling debts or shit like that.
The treasure that banshees hoard varies considerably and often reflects whatever semblance of a life they had before they became famous. Many hoard gold and fine gems, while others will appear to show "finer tastes" and collect tasteless art and crap. Sometimes they have magic shit.
It is nearly impossible to distinguish the cry of a pop star banshee from that of a bloated pig in the late stages of labor a woman in pain. Many a knight-gallant has mistaken the two sounds, and then paid for the mistake with his life. Banshees are exceptionally intelligent and speak numerous languages, including common, elvish, and other lesser languages.
Banshees occasionally use their destructive powers to seek revenge against their former adversaries in life.

Ecology: Banshees are a blight upon wherever they settle. They kill without discretion, and their only pleasure is the misfortune of and misery of others. Those last two sentences could really apply not just to numerous pop singers, but also to a variety of chicks that I've known throughout life. In addition to slaying man (but not woman) and beast, a banshees keen has a powerful affect upon vegetation. Flowers and delicate plants wither and die and trees grow twisted and sickly, while hardier plants, like thistles and shit, flourish. After a few years all that remains around a banshees lair is a desolate wilderness of warped trees and thorns mixed with the bones of fans that dared to cross into the banshees domain.

shadzar · Post by **shadzar** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 1:11 am

wotmaniac wrote:
shadzar wrote:where exactly is a duskblade in 2nd? wasnt that something made for 3rd, or was it in like a crappy settings like planescape or birthright?
Dude -- context isn't your strong point, is it?

maybe context isnt your strong point. the post you quoted in full asks a question. has no direct relation to the conversation being had save for trying to follow along in reading it and hitting a wall with an undefined term...

next time take your ass out of your mouth and just answer the question asked mayhaps.

wotmaniac · Post by **wotmaniac** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 1:30 am

Dude -- what the fuck kind of psycho are you?!
Seriously -- that was 4 pages and 6 weeks ago. And that's what jumped out at you? That is some serious stalker status.

Oh, and your most recent post is just as unintelligible as the other one. Do I need to get a restraining order?

tussock · Post by **tussock** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:17 am

Uh, sometimes I'm AFK for a week or three and like to catch up on old threads afterward. I'm not shadzar, but that is a thing which happens sometimes, and not just to you wotmaniac.

wotmaniac · Post by **wotmaniac** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:59 am

tussock wrote:Uh, sometimes I'm AFK for a week or three and like to catch up on old threads afterward. I'm not shadzar, but that is a thing which happens sometimes, and not just to you wotmaniac.

Oh, I understand that; but that post reached new lows for anti-coherence, even by shadzar standards. And this one was from 6 weeks ago, and he had dig through and ignore 4 pages. At some point, you just have to accept that a thread has passed you by.

..... or, maybe I'm just an irascible asshole.

Count Arioch the 28th · Wed Apr 24, 2013 12:06 pm

Both can be true.

RobbyPants · Post by **RobbyPants** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 12:57 pm

Count Arioch the 28th wrote:Both can be true.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Family Guy: "Can it be both?".

wotmaniac · Post by **wotmaniac** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 7:52 pm

What -- that shadzar is stupifyingly retarded and I'm an irascible asshole?
Sure, I can buy that.

Oh, wait -- y'all meant that he can both try to catch up with a thread and be a complete douchetard in the process.
Yeah, I can by that, too.

Either way, I'm not sure that it's ever inappropriate to remind shadzar how much of an idiot he is. I'm thinking that the only reason that it hasn't sunk in yet is that he just hasn't heard it put in just the right way yet.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:05 pm

I'm disappointed he didn't try and find fault with my bonnacon posts...

Count Arioch the 28th · Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:03 am

I get the idea that he lacks the intellect to truly discuss anything, but he wants to interact with people who aren't developmentally disabled like he is. So he tries to imitate what he sees here so he could fit in. He gets on my tits too, but I don't think he can help it.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Sun May 12, 2013 4:11 am

I remember stating jokingly a few pages back that this thread felt unloved. I was kidding then, but know, I know it is truth.

I know all most some of this is my fault, due to me being a lackadaisical lazy fool with a complete lack of follow through on any project that I start, but...

C'mon, didn't you guys decide to make this a team effort? Where's the love? Where's the spirit of camaraderie? Where is the PASSION!?

Okay, yes, I realize this is my thread, that I started it, I should be the one to do most of the reviewing, and that only I can end this thread born of deception.

BUT!

Proper motivation is really hard to come by. I kick myself mentally at night in bed, thinking about this thread languishing and rotting in topic hell, but I just can't seem to work up the cajoles to get moving on it.

I mean, I've still got the book; it's sitting in the living room, looking at me despondently with puppy dog eyes, and it's whimpering sadly, knowing that it is feeling unloved because I haven't torn it a new asshole with my satirical ignorance of the game mechanics lately. But what can I say? I have serious, serious issues. Big ones the size of a large Buick with a smaller, green Volkswagen taped to the top. Maybe with Bobby Orr driving the Buick, and Karel Čapek in the Volkswagen.

Anyway, the point is that I've thought of giving up and shelving the whole damn thing. But conscience and the fact that the book bites me whenever I talk about it prevent me from doing so.

THUS!

I have decided that I will (try) to continue my review of the Joseph Emanuel, and that I will continue to try as hard as possible to intentionally rile up and rustle the jimmies of shatzar, that fucking little fuck. I bet he's no bigger than Emmanuel Lewis, and probably has a smaller brain size, too.

HOWEVER!

Like I said, motivation is hard to come by, as is the willpower to follow through on... following through. I don't want this to be one of the thousands of ambitious things I've started only to have it fizzle and die and fade into regret and obscurity.

SO!

So! I... I... I forgot what I was going to ask...

ANYWAY!

The whole point is this: I am going to try and make an effort to post more dick-kicking satire of the Daniel Day Lewis Boogie-Woogie MaGOO sometime soon.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Mon May 20, 2013 12:22 am

Manticore

Climate/Terrain: Any
Frequency: Uncommon
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Treasure: E
Alignment: Lawful evil
No. Appearing: 1-4
Armor Class: 4
Movement: 12, Fl 18 (E)
Hit Dice: 6+3
THAC0: 13
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-3/1-3/1-8
Special Attacks: Tail spikes
Special Defenses: Nil
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: H (15’)
Morale: Elite (13-14)
XP Value: 975

Description: Manticores are like lions with spiky tails, bat wings and bearded human heads (even the females, insert obligatory dwarf joke here.) Nothing new, since that's pretty much what every Manticore in everything ever looks like. And like every Manticore ever, its face looks super fucked up.
Combat: It shits spikes out of its tail. It can shit out 1d6 of them, doing 1d6 each, up to four times per day. If it can it flies around while shitting them out.
Habitat/Society: Manticores mate for life, and go around hunting things, preferably humans (their favorite) to feed their families. Unlike lions, the males go hunting while the female watches the cubs. Manticore cubs can apparently trained as Pokemon by evil humans. Why other evil humanoids cannot train Manticores as Pokemon is unclear to me; that actually seems more likely since they prefer eating humans to non-humans. Regardless, there's an 80% chance for domesticated adults to go wild again because 2e and can't have nice things. Adult manticores, though, may "voluntarily ally themselves with evil humans." So essentially they could have just said manticores sometimes hang out with evil humans and saved a lot of space.
Ecology: They apparently live wherever humans do, which makes me like to imagine that there are a few that roost in barns or something. Again, it's pointed out that they can be valuable allies but are deadly opponents. But again only if you're an evil human. I don't even fucking know.
Conclusions: Pretty good, until it gets to the whole evil human alliances thing, which is just a clusterfuck of nonsense, which makes this as stupid as the other shit I've reviewed.
P.S.: I notice I've done this review completely serious, so I'll point out that Manticores are very prominent in gamebooks, such as in Deathtrap Dungeon and in the more obscure Trapped in the Black Box, where we find out that they are nuts about word games and one will grant you a wish if you can find 40+ words using the letters in MANTICORES. Apparently that wasn't as fun as alliances with evil humans. And see? Both of those Manticores have fucked up faces too! And scorpion tails! (Although the one from Trapped in the Black Box has no wings.) Shrapnel's old school Raikou avatar could be a Manticore (wings and scorpion tail optional.)
P.P.S.: I told Shrapnel that it was a terrible idea to try and review every single monster in this book.