2e Monster Manual "Review" Electric Boogaloo

Doom · Post by **Doom** » Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:11 pm

In Florida, I'd catch the occasional centipede, but it was nothing like those monstrosities.

Here in Louisiana, you can get some pretty hefty millipedes, but still smaller than those lunkers. Are those in Hawaii too?

wotmaniac · Post by **wotmaniac** » Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:08 pm

Doom wrote:Are those in Hawaii too?

Yup.

Of course, I spent much of my time there in inland wilderness and around seemingly-abandoned rotting structures (i.e., training exercises); so I probably saw more of the wildlife than most.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:53 pm

Since we're talking about millipedes, cenitpedes, whatever, I should mention: I have severe entophobia (fear of insects) and arachnophobia, to the point that it's pretty much debilitating: bugs scare the straight shit out of me.

This extends also to pretty much any and every animal in the arthopod family, and to some extent mollusks. So things like millipedes/centipedes, shrimp, crabs, lobsters, etc give me the willies.

Oddly enough, though, I find anthropomorphic insects awesome. So, something like this is cool, but something like this is not.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:54 am

I should probably mention...

I am going to be insanely (insanly?) busy the next few days, so I won't be able to update this awesome-ass thread for awhile.

Just thought I'd be considerate and let y'all know.

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:15 pm

FrankTrollman wrote: No one gives a fuck about the scientific names of these things in a DnD context.

They did in Runequest, though! Much as the ridiculous examples people have provided in the thread, elves are "Dendro sapiens," halflings are "homo homeboyis" (or something) and orcs were something really terrible like "Orcus australopithecus". I don't even.

Desdan_Mervolam · Post by **Desdan_Mervolam** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:21 pm

JigokuBosatsu wrote:
FrankTrollman wrote: No one gives a fuck about the scientific names of these things in a DnD context.
They did in Runequest, though! Much as the ridiculous examples people have provided in the thread, elves are "Dendro sapiens," halflings are "homo homeboyis" (or something) and orcs were something really terrible like "Orcus australopithecus". I don't even.

But Elves, halflings and orcs are not dinosaurs and didn't exist in the real world. Frank said specifically that sufficiently well-written pseudo-scientific bullshit would be great for D&D stuff that didn't exist in the real world. He objected to doing this with dinosaurs because you could get the same information in any library. Hell, the children's section of any library!

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:23 pm

Right, but I think the silliness point was made a couple of posts down. And the Runequest examples... I'll have to look at it again tonight and post complete examples, but they just weren't even trying.

kzt · Post by **kzt** » Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:44 pm

JigokuBosatsu wrote:And the Runequest examples... I'll have to look at it again tonight and post complete examples, but they just weren't even trying.

It depends on when you look. Sandy Petersen's trolls and troll-related insects are a lot better then some of the later BS, but that's because he was a Glorantha fanatic and an entomologist.

Count Arioch the 28th · Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:49 am

I made up species names for a game one time. The players were having a dialogue with an elder Aboleth who only referred to the PCs as their species names. The elf was Homo sapiens silvus. The orc was Homo sapiens robustus. The dwarf was Homo fossis. The kobold was Procompsognathus sortiarius. I'm assuming that the latin was awkward because one of my players took years of latin and kept making faces, but was kind enough to not call m out on it.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 3:47 am

Moar Dinosaurs!

Diplodocus

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any swamp
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Family
INTELLIGENCE: Supra-Genius (19-20)
________________________________

NO. APPEARING: 1-6
ARMOR CLASS: 0
MOVEMENT: 6
HIT DICE: 24
THAC0: 5
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 3-18
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See Below
SIZE: G (80' long)
MORALE: Steady (12)
XP VALUE: 1,400

The Diplodocus lives primarily on water plants, weighs 10 tons (1428.57 stones), and has to fight giant robots often, and because of this is found in or near lakes and marshes. It and related species are often herded by "cowboys" riding giant mechs, which the Diplodoci (plural for Diplodocus, as decided by me) must constantly battle in order for them to continue to live free.

Many diplodoci are in fact a intelligent species, cultured and advanced in the ways of learning: They have produced many scholars and sages in their time. Though they generally ignore most smaller things, preferring to live a peaceful life of solitude and contemplation amongst their fellows, they can step on anything in it's way, excluding the cowboy mech-riders who constantly try to threaten their way of life and traditional, Diplodocan marriage values. They can also rear up and come down on threatening creatures (which causes 3d10 damage, something that causes the peaceful Diplodocus no end of regret). The diplodocus can also whip it's tail (of which, through Diplodocan science, they have managed to make somewhat GREAT and KNOBBED like that of the mighty, god-like Anklyosaurus) for 2d8 damage.

Realated species include the brachiosaurus, it's lesser, dumber "black sheep" cousin, which weighs 90 tons (12857.1 stones) and averages 75 feet in length. It causes 8d10 damage when a-stompin'.

Moar tomorrow, maybe.

Count Arioch the 28th · Wed Mar 20, 2013 6:37 am

Your ranting made me think of that. You can buy it in T-shirt form from the guy that runs Dinosaur Comics.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:04 pm

That t-shirt may have to be bought.

Also, I am at DR's today and tomorrow, and I forgot to bring the MONSTIOURS MANEAL.

But on Friday, I swear, I will rip that book a new anal ass opening.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:25 pm

Shrapnel, we should totes do an OSSR of either one of the Fighting Fantasies that is too frustrating to run (i.e. House of Hell or Creature of Havoc) or another 2e book (probably the Arms and Equipment Guide, or the Tales of the Lance sourcebook.)

EDIT: In the manner of Frank and Ancient History's review of Factol's Manifesto.

Dr_Noface · Post by **Dr_Noface** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:43 pm

I second Darth Rabbitt's idea.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 3:46 am

OK, we're going to do the 2e Arms and Equipment Guide tomorrow morning.

IIRC it's essentially ~150 pages of fluff text.

I'mma gonna have to go it alone with the UK Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasies, it would seem.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:47 pm

Hi all!

So, regarding the fact that I haven't posted in this thread in while... well, that's a funny story.

See, recentely I was beseiged on all sides for the past month or so by a wild pack of grus. My MOSTRNEOUS MANHYEUL and I were the only ones left, after all of my other possessions had been messily devoured.

Although we fought bravely, we were eventually overrun. The MOSNBUTER MONuLE bravely elected to stay behind, selflessly and heroically sacrificing itself to stay behind and distract the grus and their allies, the Daemons of Ferronstar, so that I could enter the Chamber of Sorrows and reactivate the Eye of Harmony by surrendering my soul and three-thirds of gall bladder, thus destroying the grus and demons and resetting the timeline, save the presidents daughter, and revive all of my fallen things, the MINHUSAL included.

All before tea-time, too.

Since this entire event took up quite a large portion of my time, and since the MHUISAKF was also so heavily involved, I did not have much occassion to rend the book a new asshole.

So, now that things have now resumed a somewhat normal pace (except for the fact that, as an after effect of this whole sorry, sordid affair, the upstairs bathroom has become a localized time anomoly in which time runs sideways, but I can just call a plumber for that), you may all reasonably expect new posts within the next few days.

Thank you for your understanding.

squirrelloid · Post by **squirrelloid** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:12 pm

FrankTrollman wrote:Not only is "Aboringine/Caveman" a Monserious Compendium entry, but in both the AD&D Monster Manual and the 2nd edition binder, humans come under "M". For "Men". Not even "Man" the generic term for humans and also fitting under the singular standard used by the rest of the book. "M, E" for "Men". Comes after Medusa.

It's not only stupid and offensive, it's inexplicably hard to find.

-Username17

Well, at least Medusa came first. (drum roll please).

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:06 pm

Hey! I'm back! Cool!

So, without further ado...

Elasmosaurus

IT'S HORRIFYINGLY ADORABLE! AAHHG!

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any ocean/The darkest reaches of the human mind-brain
FREQUENCY: Uncommon
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
DIET: Souls
________________________________

NO. APPEARING: 1-2
ARMOR CLASS: 7
MOVEMENT: 3, Sw 15
HIT DICE: 15
THAC0: 5
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 4-24

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Nil
SIZE: G (50' long)

MORALE: Steady (12)
XP VALUE: 6,000

The elasmosaurus is an eldritch horror from beyond the known edges of the Twelve Cosmos. It looks like a snake with fins and a thick body, perfect for throwing the furies out of balance. It is aggressive and evil embodied, attacking anything it notices. Seriously, this things is scary as all-out fuck. The creature is strong, fast, and highly maneu-- ooh! Heat Man's theme just came on. Aww yeah... --verable, able to turn quickly and lunge at prey, which would be immobolized by fear and most likely shitting the fuck out of it's knickers. When hunting, the elasmosaurus travels with it's head out of the water, snapping down quickly to seize prey. Presumably said prey includes Boeing 787 Dreamliners.

The creatures relatives include many other types of Lovecraftian plesiosaurs and pliosaurs, because that's totally relevent.

Females travel onto sandy beaches, to devour timeshares and lay their eggs in shallow depressions left by said devoured timeshares.

Jesus Christ, this is a lot harder than I thought'd be. Well, Maxus did say that it took that other dude like two years to complete his review of the thing, so I should finish sometime in... 2026. Yeah, that sounds right.

NEXT: The Lamborghiniosaurus, Pteranodon (which isn't actually a Dinosaur!), Stegomyeggosaurus, Try Sarah Tops, and, of course, We've got a T-Rex!

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:21 pm

Well, I've got a bag of Skittles (now with GREEN APPLE) stuck down my knickers and I'm wearing some lederhosen, so you know what that means, kiddies?

Yup, it's time to get a colonoscopy review some moar Dinosaurs!

Lambeosaurus

LENGTH: 4,410mm
WIDTH: 1,995mm
HEIGHT: 1,029mm
WHEELBASE: 2,443mm
EMPTY WEIGHT: 1,490kg
POWER: 276kW (375 PS)
TORQUE: 41.7kgm/4500rpm
TOP SPEED: Over 290Km/h

The Lamborghinicountachiolp500ssaurus is a beast among... beasts.

The Wikipedia page for the Lamborghini Countach has a picture of the car's engine, listed under the entry "Engine", and the caption for the picture is... "Engine". Love it.

It has a duck-bill, a mid-engined configuration, Futuristic styling, and it's bipedal, too. It also has a flat snout, "cabin-forward" design, silly crests on it's head, and scissor doors.

The Lamborghinicountachiolp500ssaurus has excellent senses, used to detect predators and rising gas prices.

It's enemies include anyone who would dare to think of even sitting in one, let alone driving it. Because that would immediately destroy it's value.

Related species include the Lamborghini400GT2+2osaurus, the Lamborghinimiuraosaurus, Lamborghiniespadaiosaurus, and Sunstreaker. The latter is better than all of you.

Pteranodon

CLIMATE/TERRIAN: Any
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Flock
DIET: Carnivore
________________________________

NO. APPEARING: 3-18
ARMOR CLASS: 7
MOVEMENT: 3, Fl 15
HIT DICE: 3 + 3
THAC0: 17
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 2-8

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Nil
SIZE: L (30' wingspan)

MORALE: Average (9)
XP VALUE: 175 (man, they're worth shit

Ah, the Pteranodon, which isn't really a Dinosaur!. But, whatever.

Although this flying reptile typically dives for marine prey, like Steve Erwin, it attacks any creature that appears to be vulnerable, like Nicki Minaj. The pteranodon has no teeth, much as how Katy Perry has no talent, but it instead spears prey with it's beak if they are too large to swallow in one gulp, again similar to how Katy Perry will attack her handelers. The beak of a typical pteranodon is about 4 feet long on a good day, but on a great day - such as one where the pteranodon's niece just won the beauty pagent - then the beak can be anywhere from up to fifty furlongs in length.

Despite the creatures huge wingspan, its wings are very light, and it's furred body is only a little larger than a human being, but not an elf. The whole shebang weighs only about 50 pounds (or 76.18 US dollars).
A pteranodon can carry off prey and babies up to four times its own weight, much like the Dingosaurus.

There are all sizes of related species; close relatives have crests on their heads to balance their long beak for flight and just generally look silly.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:06 am

THIS THREAD FEELS UNLOVED.

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:30 am

Still reading, just no hilarious comments: what have I to add?

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:41 am

I'm just joshing, mostly. I like complaining, it's in my nature. That and I LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

Whatever · Post by **Whatever** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 1:42 am

I feel like this is an extremely accurate review of the MYSTERIOUS MANUAL.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:04 am

Whatever wrote:I feel like this is an extremely accurate review of the MYSTERIOUS MANUAL.

I figured that went without saying.

Sigil · Post by **Sigil** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:27 am

Shrapnel wrote:THIS THREAD FEELS UNLOVED.

I enjoyed this review of the MENAGERIE MANUSCRIPT more when it involved monsters other than dinosaurs.

I still enjoy it, just not as much. Moderate love?