The Unpublishable

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:47 pm

And the premise of the story was . . interesting i'll say . . not my cup of coffee, but well written anyway.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Fri Sep 06, 2013 8:30 pm

The Unpublishable. Yet More Star Wars Fanfic. I can't help myself. Anyway: "Form Zero." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/form-zero.html

Bihlbo · Post by **Bihlbo** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:19 am

Ancient History wrote:The Unpublishable. Yet More Star Wars Fanfic. I can't help myself. Anyway: "Form Zero." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/form-zero.html

Because I saw others do it, hopefully you're okay with a little proofing:

the Valley of the Dark Lords, the toppled and broken statues that were testament to generations of

Should be "a testament".

The last time Eiven had seen Milos Sothas was in the arena on Tatooine, and the muun’s dismembered corpse was being carried away in a gravcart.

If it were changed to "while the muun's dismembered corpse..." it would tie that event to the last time he saw Milos, rather than it sounding like a non-sequitur.

“Not yet,” Task. “So why now?”

Seems like it's missing a word around the region of "Task".

“Something near and dear to both of us. Lightsaber combat. Ever heard of Form Zero?”

The shade of Milos Sothas walked a couple steps closer, and the shadows seemed to stretch and cling to him—or maybe it was just the lengthening shadow as the sun continued to set. He didn’t quite look real to Eiven’s eyes, but there was a certain solidness to the darkness, and there was something at that spot that drew his higher senses, like an eddy in the Force.

“At the academy,” Task said, unconsciously clenching his prosthetic left hand. He had lost the arm and a good part of his torso in an arrogant and, in hindsight, idiotic training accident. Prosthetics had saved his life and diminished his ability, and that had marked the end of his formal instruction.

When I read this, "At the academy" seemed out of place and stunted, like it didn't fit anything. I had to go back to read that it was a response. If the shade stepped out of the shadows then asked his question I'd have no confusion and it might flow better.

In the dark, it was almost formless, simply an outline against the deeper shadows as Korriban's moons began to rise.

That first comma isn't necessary. And instead of one blank line following this, as is the case in the rest of the story, here you have two.

when I was a century younger.

See those two spaces after "century"? Extra spaces are truncated here, but on your site and in raw text it shows up.

You're not a chosen one, there is no grand galactic destiny for you, but you work hard.

After "chosen one" is a great place for a semicolon.

Then Task turned and walked away from the quarry, carrying his prize, and leaving behind him a valley of broken monuments and the angry echoes of dark lords...plus one other.

This reads as awkward to me, in part because "still holding his prize gently" was only a couple lines above, and it's very unclear as to why a bug would be considered a prize of any kind. Also, are we to assume the valley is full of dark lords... plus one other thing that is not a dark lord? Or plus one other dark lord that is more newly-dead? Good stories deserve a killer, almost poetic final line or the whole thing seems rough.

Anyway, I enjoyed the story, mostly because of its tone. Unless I'm mistaken it's the first of the Task stories that did not feature any combat, and that makes it precisely was I was hoping to see. However, this did nothing to help us understand who Task is. The only character development was for a dead guy, which of course has a high potential to be a fruitless effort. Now I know that Task has been to Korriban, and that if he does not draw his lightsaber it's because he learned Form Zero. But both of those things could have been a single paragraph, so I'm not sure what this story achieves. If Milos is going to be a character in future stories, or if we are to glean from this that Task likes bugs and he's adopted a familiar-like pet, then I will eventually understand the purpose of this story. As I said, I'm not sure what purpose this story serves, but that doesn't mean I assume it has none.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:22 am

I think it's been proven I need all the help I can get, so thanks.

Re: Purpose of the story. I got a request to have more interact between Milos and Eiven, but I didn't want to do a flashback scene on the trip to Tatooine. So instead you get something that is a bit of an epilogue and a bit of a prologue. (I figure if I keep going at this rate, I'll have enough material for a stitch-up sometime next year. Gah, what a depressing fucking thought.)

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:56 am

Why?
It's a good character.
I'll read this one later on today, when i am bored at work.

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 4:39 pm

forcing morsels of meet into its tiny jaws.

meat surely?
Nothing else looks wrong to me.

Otherwise a nice and quiet piece for that particular character.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:17 pm

Right. Fixed.

Meikle641 · Post by **Meikle641** » Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:23 pm

Just read Form Zero. I enjoyed it. Reckon I need to read more of your Star Wars stuff.

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:04 pm

you do. that shit is good.

If Star Wars was more like what he writes, i'd like it better.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Sat Sep 14, 2013 12:25 am

Today on the Unpublishable is every young dwarf's dream: "A Hold of HIs Own." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/0 ... s-own.html

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Sun Sep 15, 2013 3:29 pm

Not unkindle

not unkindly, can't find any errors otherwise.
also, mothers are the same species be damned it seems ^^

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Sun Sep 15, 2013 3:33 pm

FIxed.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:35 pm

Yes, yet more Star Wars fanfic on the Unpublishable. One of these days, there may even be a plot, but right there's just "Playing with Lightsabers." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/0 ... abers.html

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:20 pm

and beyond that a tangle of plastics and allow prostheses

alloy, not allow

and the old Sith pureblood behind the counter started poured two small glasses of something clear from a bottle with a writhing worm in the bottom of it

started pouring

A figure in a dun hood and cloak came in as he finished his shot

dun hood?

Eiven would rather try to catch a lightsaber with his bare hand than be in the same system with them

easy for him to say!

threaded through with lighter tendrils from which crystals grew like fruit or tubers

tubers?

The fight didn’t end well with the wookiee

for and wookie without 2 e

apparently it was controlled by some telepathic Baforr crystal-ferns or some such crap she’d picked up Ithor or some crap like that

doesn't read right somehow . . as if a word were missing somewhere, i can't really put my finger on it though . .

Typical teenage Jedi angsty wompashit

wompa? not wampa? o.O

and i don't know what you are talking about, there is plot.
and it's even continuus.(sp?) and a good read to boot.

and he reminds me of someone:

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:33 pm

dun hood?

Dun is an earthy color.

tubers?

Like potatoes.

wookie without 2 e

Nope, two e's.

Everything else, fixed. Thanks Stahl!

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:59 pm

no sweat, i like reading it after all ^^

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Sat Sep 28, 2013 1:05 am

Terrible, NSFW things on the Unpublishable today: Sextping. http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/sextping.html

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Fri Oct 04, 2013 10:38 am

i don't see anything terribly nsfw in there O.o
also, i didn't find any errors in this one either ^^

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Sat Oct 05, 2013 12:05 am

Eiven Task has faced minor Sith and rogue Jedi - but now he is being asked to risk his life again, with nothing to rely on but promises and lightsabers. http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/1 ... abers.html

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:04 pm

yay for more Task!

stilled tied to their bones

still without ed

I picked up my left foot and brought the heavy heel of my boot down on his throat.

did he drop it? O.o

and was surprised when I grabbed dropped my staff and grabbed his burning blade with my right hand

what? O.o i think the first dropped was one too much right?

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 3:41 pm

Fixed.

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 4:25 pm

hmm, i guess it would be complaining on a high level but i just noticed you switchting from 1st to 3rd person and back sometimes . . is that intentional?

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:30 pm

I wanted to try something different.

Stahlseele · Post by **Stahlseele** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:44 pm

ah, i see. carry on then.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Sat Oct 12, 2013 2:59 am

Today on the Unpublishable, "Cat's Kisses." NSFW not because of any particular language, but because it features two highly affectionate lesbians. And very little else.
http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/1 ... isses.html