Death

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Maj
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Death

Post by Maj »

I'm needing to put my thoughts somewhere, and since there have been a few others who are going through something similar, I figured it was OK to put on the Den. Maybe they'd like to add to it. If it's inappropriate or too shitty... I'm sorry.

---

I'm getting by. Sort of. My head isn't working right and it's really frustrating. It's hard for my thoughts to come out coherently; sentences just don't want to come out in order with all the necessary information that people need to understand them. I try planning shit, but it's never quite right. This last weekend, for example, we went to Portland - part to see my family, and part to explicitly attend a parkour class (not me; Gi). We forgot to pack clothes for parkour class.

I'm an awesome cook; I catered my sister's wedding. Unfortunately, every time I open the fridge or the freezer, my brain just shuts off. I really have no desire to eat - which is something that happens, I've been told. But I have a child who needs to eat. My mom told me to get a microwave; she's a smart lady. So today was the first time that I really made food (putting dino chicken nuggets in the oven does not count).

I am horribly afraid that I am going to die and my child will be left alone. I can't even drive ten miles without this fear taking over. It's not stopping me from driving. But the entire trip to Portland last weekend (2.5 hour trip) was me hoping that singing to the music on the stereo would hide the fact that I just kept seeing car accidents playing in my head and my son watching me die.

I don't have patience for the 10, 7, 12, 5, n! stages of grief. They're WEIRD, and not the only way that death happens. And even though death sucks and I'm crying a lot and I miss my husband horrendously... I'm grateful. I am full of gratitude for every little teeny thing. Like... I start crying because someone gave me a free coffee. Free coffee is amazing! I cry because the lady at the grocery asked about my husband (he wasn't there), and gave me a hug when she heard the news. And it's just so wonderful that she did that. Gratitude is not one of the n! stages of grief. They can kiss my ass and go find someone else to haunt.

Watching my son [try to] deal with his grief is so brutally heartbreaking. He has lost flexibility and has started snapping at small provocations. He is getting lost, and I don't know how to help him. I emailed his therapist today and she's calling him in for an emergency session on Friday and told me to have him take a day or two off from school. He tried to lock the door to the classroom today so no one could come into the classroom and started swearing at his teacher. This is the last year of elementary school for him - next year it's onto 6th grade and middle school. Like... The suckiest part of school is being combined with the suckiest life circumstances and I'm Gi's back-up and a hot mess.
Last edited by Maj on Tue Apr 23, 2019 5:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Maj »

Addendum: I finally joined Facebook. I woke up in the middle of the night with the fear that someone else or all the posting would get Ess' account memorialized and I wouldn't have access to it. So I made my own FB account and then logged into Ess' (I mostly just posted with his account) and set myself up as the legacy contact so I won't be locked out. Posting on FB as myself is strange. But I like talking to people. I think the random Arabic-speaking dude friend requests are hilarious - Ess didn't get those; he got friend requests from random young women.
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Post by Orion »

I'm so sorry.
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Post by MGuy »

I could never say that I know exactly how you feel and I'm really bad at comforting people but I'll say you have my condolences. I've been living with my littler sister and have been helping to raise her kids. Considering the number of times I've had to go to counseling meetings in my sister's stead I can vouch for how helpful a lot of programs that are available tend to be. Patience, time, and a good support network does wonders if that might bring you any less worry.
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Post by shinimasu »

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't remember a lot of the grieving process when I lost both of my grandparents unexpectedly one right after the other, but I do remember two things. One was that I was engaged at the time, and I had bouts of panic that something was going to happen to me and my fiance before we could be officially married. I called her up crying one night asking her to meet me at a court house to just tie the knot, screw saving for a wedding. I was afraid to drive places, and I was afraid every time she got on a plane or took a bus.

The other thing I remember besides the fear was the exhaustion. I didn't feel sad I just felt tired, like my body was too heavy to lift and even small tasks required far more energy than I had. I was sleeping twelve hours and still waking up exhausted. It wasn't even laying in bed weeping it was just laying in bed feeling like my emotions had shut off. It was the first death of a close family member I'd ever had to deal with and it hit me hard.

I'm so happy to hear your son has a therapist he can talk to, I hope you might consider seeing one yourself if you feel up to that, and if you aren't already. I didn't opt for it in my own situation, but I'm notoriously bad at being able to ask for help at the best of times. It sounds like you have a good support network, that always makes it... not easier but less overwhelming than grieving in isolation.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but knowing you're not alone and the feelings aren't terribly unique to me specifically is something I find comforting. So I guess I hope maybe you find it comforting too. Death is such a bitch.
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Post by Mask_De_H »

My condolences. You'll get through this. Gi too.
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Post by Hicks »

I'm sorry for the loss of your loved one.

I, uh, don't really have anything I could say that wouldn't be preachy, and I don't think y'all are into that. Spoiled below is some preachy stuff, tho it isn't faith based; if you're not into that either that's ok.
The world is unfair, deterministic, our power to change and control even our local space we interact with is extremely limited, borderline miniscule, and we are all here for too short a time and often have no control over that either.

You now see the world for not only what it is, but what it could be. And that deep and terrible fear is a normal reaction to the truth that we do not control our lives or our legacies as much as we think, if we ever exerted control over them at all.

In my experience, you can do three things with this realization:

You can try to forget it. I wouldn't reccomend this, because putting it out of mind doesn't actually deal with anything, but for a stretch of time you can busy yourself until you think everything is fine,ntonbe ambushed by it in a moment of weakness and it flooding back full force. Many, many people live in a perpetual cycle of this.

You can try to fight it. many people seek wealth and power enough to actually control their lives and legacies. It is a hard road to walk and nobody really succeeds, there is always a force just outside the grasp of your control that you will not be able to stop, there will always be the spectre bigger fish you can't fry. And I don't think you're so controlling a person that you'd do this either.

or you can embrace it. If relegion isn't your bag, I'd reccomend Albert Camus and the philosophy of the Absurd. Because the situation we're in *is* absurd. Prepare as much as is prudent and be content that should the worst happen, you did what was possible to prevent what you could. And soon the realization will hit that you don't have to worry about things you can't control happening to you or those you love. Live, work, make the universe a better and easier place to live for all sentient things, and that is all that could ever be asked or expected for you to accomplish.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even express it with words. I know you and your son are hurting and I'm here on the other side of a screen in tears because these words are terrible and they're all I have and i don't even know if they'll ease your burden like i hope or if I'm just being dumb and making you mad and i shouldn't have even posted because I'm just making everything worse. From what I've read, Essence seemed like a good man who loved his family. And I don't think I ever got to talk with him, just read what was archived here in old threads.

I'm told the grief never goes away or is any less heavy, but that we get stronger over time to bear it.

Be safe out there
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Post by Maj »

You guys... For me, every single word from you is a hug. I have no idea how other people handle it. But all of the small little kindnesses are so important to me. Just knowing I'm not alone is so helpful... Because there are moments when I really, really feel like that's my new reality. But it's not real. And the strength required to break that illusion is exhausting.

I don't know if my insurance will cover grief counseling. I haven't called them yet. But my son's therapist has taken me under her wing and is helping us both. In fact, I'm about to go see her.

:maj:
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Post by nockermensch »

Maj, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Death sucks and nobody is ever actually prepared for it. I hope the best for you and your son and if you ever need something a brazilian dude can help with, let me know.
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Post by Longes »

Maj, I barely know you and I don't think we've ever talked here, but I sincerely hope things improve for you and your son. I'm sorry for your loss.
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Post by saithorthepyro »

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope things will improve for you. Best of luck.
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Post by Username17 »

I work in a hospital and a lot of my patients have intestinal cancer. I deal with the dying every day. Now, everyone deals with the dying every day, because we are all dying. The day we stop dying is the day we stop living. But you know what I mean, I deal with people who are dying in the more immediate sense of having a condition that is killing them right in front of me and sometimes I can't do much more than dampen some of the agony while they expire.

So if you're wondering if death ever becomes "OK" the answer is No. Death is terrible. It takes people away from us that shouldn't be taken away from us. It leaves unanswered questions and empty chairs and it's very very sad. It's not wrong to be upset about this, the whole situation is very upsetting and doesn't become better on repeated viewing.

Life has death in it, and death is horrible. There is also joy to be had, and I hope you find some. Being happy about things that are good when there is bad stuff in the world that it is reasonable to be sad about isn't wrong. It is not a betrayal of your reasons to be sad to be happy about other things.

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Post by Koumei »

I'm glad you're able to get some help there from your son's therapist - it sounds like she's putting that extra mile in.

I can't offer advice or anything. Just vague words of support.
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Post by Avoraciopoctules »

I'm sorry for your loss. It's awful when someone you've been close to for a long time disappears, and Ess was a great guy.

I really hope things improve for your family!
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Post by Maj »

Frank wrote:Being happy about things that are good when there is bad stuff in the world that it is reasonable to be sad about isn't wrong. It is not a betrayal of your reasons to be sad to be happy about other things.
This.

I feel so guilty because I am not 100% miserable. I miss him. I miss him so much. But there are things I'm very happy about. I now get the whole closet to myself. I have a newly rearranged kitchen where I can reach everything. I don't have to sleep with the fan on and thus I can get by with three blankets on my bed, instead of ten (no really!). My son now has a day bed instead of a loft bed, so I can hug him goodnight like a normal parent.

This is a crazy rollercoaster.

Again, to all the posters, thank you. :maj:
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Post by Wiseman »

I'm sorry for your loss. I might understand some of what you're going through, and this thread has helped put some things in perspective. Some time ago, I lost my mother to cancer. And it was a very slow cancer where I had to watch her waste away over the years until she was completely bedridden and entirely dependent. I remember feeling resentful of all that I had to do, and when she finally passed, feeling sad, but also relieved.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.
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Post by Blade »

When you feel guilty for not feeling miserable, it might help to think that he wouldn't want you to feel miserable all the time.

You probably have many friends and relatives who want to be as supportive as possible but don't really know how to behave around you. Don't hesitate to tell them. Also don't hesitate to ask them for help. If you don't feel like cooking or cleaning up the house, ask them to help. They'll be glad to help you with that, and not only will it take care of the cooking/cleaning but it will also give you company and support which are awesome things to have.

Anyway, it does suck and it will be difficult for some time. But it will get better.
Last edited by Blade on Wed Apr 24, 2019 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Dean »

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Something tiny I wish someone had told me upon the death of my father would be: the dreams you'll have about them are hard, but they're normal and they get better.

My father died 2 years ago and one of the most disorienting parts of it that no one told me about was his presence in my dreams. My father was alive in my dreams of course and even if the dream wasn't about him he would be with me in it a lot and then I'd wake up with a very confused array of emotions. It feels surreal, you struggle to remember what's true for a minute, you miss being in their presence within your mind and it's all very emotional. My mother told me she had the same problem. A recurring pattern of dreaming about someone who feels very alive to you still and then dealing with that unreality every morning. Since talking about this to friends who've lost people they all reported a similar thing.

All this to say if you're having those dreams know they do get better. The rash of dreams of your loved one will calm down soon, for me it lasted a few weeks. In a couple months dreams of my father had become less frequent and when they would happen it stopped having the emotional confusion attached to it. So if the gap between what your conscious and unconscious understands about the loss of your loved one is a source of emotional strife for you just know it gets better very soon.
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Post by MisterDee »

I'm so sorry for your loss, Maj.

I don't have much to offer except an attentive ear (well, eye) but for what it's worth, I'm here (and I'm sure the rest of the Den is too.) Talk to us, we've got your back.
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Post by Thaluikhain »

I'm sorry for your loss. While I don't have much else to offer, I would say that you don't need to feel bad because you aren't feeling miserable all the time, or otherwise not responding the way you are "supposed" to.
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Post by Whiysper »

Grief hits everyone differently. And, as people have said, it's not a constant. You'll still smile. probably bittersweet to begin with, but nevertheless smile. Don't feel guilty about that, if you can manage it.

I wish you and Gi the absolute best, and hope that you can find happiness together again. From what it's worth, I think there's enough heart in you both!
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Post by violence in the media »

I'm sorry for your loss Maj. I wish you and Gi the best.
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Re: Death

Post by Josh_Kablack »

Maj wrote: I'm getting by. Sort of. My head isn't working right and it's really frustrating. It's hard for my thoughts to come out coherently; sentences just don't want to come out in order with all the necessary information that people need to understand them. I try planning shit, but it's never quite right.
Everything you are dealing with is normal. Well "normal" isn't the right word -- I think I mean common to people having to cope with the sort of extreme and sudden grief you are going through.

I'm not going to say that it gets better, but you will getting better at coping.
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Post by hyzmarca »

I'm not good at expressing sympathy, but you have mine. If you need to vent, I'll be reading.
Maj wrote: I am horribly afraid that I am going to die and my child will be left alone.
It might help to make arrangements for that possibility, if you haven't already. Knowing that your son will have someone even if you do die can give you peace of mind.
Last edited by hyzmarca on Thu Apr 25, 2019 12:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Iduno »

You seem to be dealing with it about as well as you can. As others have said, "good" and "normal" are not really options when tragedy strikes.

Do what you can, and ask for help when you need. The people around you probably want to help, and just don't know what to do. And take care of yourself in healthy ways to the best of your ability. I know I did real bad sleeping, and didn't eat as well as I should have, and that made things worse for me.
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