The Gaming Den

*WARNING* I know you might expect something here, but there's notthing much above a G rating. You're going to have to use your imaginations with this stuff. I know you've got it. We're ROLE PLAYERS after all!

Introduction: I've never liked the BoEF, as I think it missed the mark in a number of areas. The result tends to be more of a "Book of sex" than a "Book of the erotic." Erotic is a lot like horror, the best is left to your imagination. The chain mail bikini is erotic, Marlyn Monroe over a subway grate is erotic. Conan the wine steward (yes there is an actual Vajero painting of this) is erotic.

So with that in mind I've started compiling my entries for my own version. I actually spent some time on the mini-portable hole, trying to cookie cutter 1' circles out of a 6' circle, until I realized that going from a "reasonable cost" and working backwards would be better. (Don't want them too cheep after all.) So anyway ... here is the stuff so far, mostly variations on two themes, the mini portable hole, and "exposing glamered" as a armor property.

The Chain Mail Bikini
The chain mail bikini is a staple of fantasy. Not only does it crop up in most fantasy art it even appears deep with the covers of Fredrick’s of Hollywood. It is also the cause of cries of anguish by those who bemoan that such items of apparel can afford little in the way of armored protection. Perhaps the argument is indeed backwards. Instead of asking how a skimpy metal bikini can provide proper armor protection, we should instead ask how a proper set of armor can appear to expose so much flesh.

Why magic of course! The “glamered” property allows one to have a magical suit of armor appear as an article of ordinary clothing. The “exposing glamered” property allows one to have a magical suit of armor appear as one’s birthday suit. Exposing glamered cannot add to or subtract from natural volume. Adding the chain mail bikini part is optional. The additional cost for the basic “exposing glamered” is the same as glamered.

Moderate illusion; CL 10th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor, disguise self; Price +2,700 gp.

(Now political correctness requires me to point out that while the chain mail bikini is a popular staple of fantasy for the ladies the same does not true for the men. The chain mail cod piece has never proven popular in fantasy art, although fur lined varieties are quite popular for male barbarians.)

The mini portable hole
The secret of being able to divide a 6’ portable hole into multiple 1’ portable holes at first seems like something that would not be exceptionally popular. The process involves a limited wish. The process is somewhat wasteful of all the potential extra dimensional space of the portable hole and as a result 20 mini portable holes are created each roughly 1’-1½’ in diameter and roughly 1’-1½’ deep.

Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish; Price 2,000 gp.
Due to the nature of the mini portable hole, they often have to be backed with leather. Thus they do not fold close and are always active.

The Bra of Holding
Joan of Arc may have worn men’s armor, but with the bra of holding you don’t have to be uncomfortable wearing it. The bra of holding consists of two portable holes and a leather system to keep them all in place. Because of the nature of the mini portable hole (made with the finest phase spider silk you know) it is exceptionally comfortable.

The Bra of Holding comes in the exposing glamered version. This version allows you to have an appropriately manly chest. Along with other magic items this is the perfect item to allow any young lady to compete in the Greek Olympics.

The Amazonian Exposing Glamered Bra of Holding only covers one breast. I’m not sure why anyone would want one but some people insist that archers prefer it to nothing at all.

Regular: Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish; Price 4,000 gp.

Exposing glamered: Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, disguise self; Price 6,700 gp.

Amazonian: Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, disguise self; Price 4,700 gp.

The Codpiece of Holding
If you have ever seen medieval pull plate you might notice the tremendous attention some knights placed to the armor over their private parts. Indeed this is one area where fantasy artists have clearly ignored. Clearly a better (and perhaps safer) means of safeguarding the family jewels is in order.

Like the Bra of Holding the Codpiece of Holding also comes in the exposing glamered version. The result is an illusion of an apparently anatomically correct female. (Joke varieties of the Ken/Barbie correct anatomy are also available.) Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately) the appearance is but an illusion.

Regular: Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish; Price 2,000 gp.

Exposing glamered: Moderate conjuration; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift, limited wish, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, disguise self; Price 4,700 gp.

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Who wants to put their nethers in the icy cold grip of otherspace?

o-o

-Crissa

Crissa at [unixtime wrote:1180034844[/unixtime]]Who wants to put their nethers in the icy cold grip of otherspace?

o-o

-Crissa

Geez Crissa,

You've just describe and invented a whole new fetish sub-culture in 13 words or less.

...D:<

I want to contribute, but...

It's just...

Y'see...

If...

Uhh...

I have to go make dinner.

What happens when you walk into a high-pressure zone, or change altitude and the portable hole presses into your groin, suctioned to you?

Come time to take off your codpiece, you find you can't touch your willy, nor can your willy feel anything...

-Crissa

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"The icy cold grip?" "Suctioned?" My Crissa you have such a ... devious mind. It's just a silk lined extradimensional space. There's nothing frozen about it at all. (Hey wait a minute, put on that bra for a second. Hmmmm Ice Cream!)

tzor at [unixtime wrote:1180045549[/unixtime]](Hey wait a minute, put on that bra for a second. Hmmmm Ice Cream!)

&#3232;_&#3232;

You people are all sick.

I always thought the portable hole went between the breasts, leastwise, that's where women seem to keep stuff.

Tzor, I like you man, but I'm not sticking my junk in a portable hole. Sorry.

Why not, everyone else does?

(okay, bad pun)

Neeek at [unixtime wrote:1180072852[/unixtime]]I always thought the portable hole went between the breasts, leastwise, that's where women seem to keep stuff.

No, that's where the mini bag of holding goes.

So, based on the discssions so far, I am assuming that I didn't really screw up on the price calculations of these items.

Personally I think the idea has a plethora of benefits. You have more room for your junk than you get wearing a kilt. Your junk is immune from painful attack. Attacking chain mail bikini clad warriors no longer result in unfomfort (plate mail jock straps aren't always comfortable you know under those circumstanes) or outright embarrasment. And additional spells or enhancements can be applied to the item for maximum benefit/enjoyment/etc.

tzor at [unixtime wrote:1180045549[/unixtime]]"The icy cold grip?" "Suctioned?" My Crissa you have such a ... devious mind. It's just a silk lined extradimensional space. There's nothing frozen about it at all. (Hey wait a minute, put on that bra for a second. Hmmmm Ice Cream!)

Uh, yeah. Unless it's soft serve ice cream, that's going to be exruciatingly painful to serve.

Side note: I have a book on the best of the "Inventions of Daedalus." (Daedalus is a fictional inventor created by David E. H. Jones for his Ariadne column in the New Scientist and The Guardian, and which is currently featured in Nature.) In it the fictional inventor considers how fat normally migrates from hotter areas of the body to colder areas and thus proposed a combination of "Hot pants" and "Frigi-Bra" to redirect unwanted fat to more wanted locations.

Daedalus was a Greek inventor, created the Labyrinth, had a son named Icarus.

David E. H. Jones simply pilfered the name from greek mythology.

I'd like my junk to be shunted to the pleasant plane of Elysium rather than some cold void...
Don't think I'll be affected by the entrapping trait, given that I'm not all there. Or am I?

Yes but Daedalus the Greek only invented a crappy glider. Daedalus the Brit invented not only the hot-pants/firgi-bra, but the thermal glidoon, the democratically driven bus, and all sorts of insanities some of which actually mght work!

But this is the finest phase spider silk. It's the ultimate in comfort for your junk. Feel the material. You can't buy better material!

I can wish for it.

Mmmm, celestial phase spider silk.

sigma999 at [unixtime wrote:1180392096[/unixtime]]I'd like my junk to be shunted to the pleasant plane of Elysium rather than some cold void...
Don't think I'll be affected by the entrapping trait, given that I'm not all there. Or am I?

I suppose it depends upon where your brain is at the moment...

tzor at [unixtime wrote:1180447457[/unixtime]]But this is the finest phase spider silk. It's the ultimate in comfort for your junk. Feel the material. You can't buy better material!

Dude, are you seriously telling me that you expect Conan to buy an extradimensional space to put his junk? And you think that covering it with silk will somehow make it more likely that he will?

This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. On the other hand, half the Bards out there will buy this. And many of the Swashbucklers. And some Beguilers. And various others. Just don't expect Mr. Manly MacManclyman to wear soft silk. Like, ever.

Okay then, have two models, one with silk, and the other with burlap for you manly men. (I'll take the silk)

shirak at [unixtime wrote:1181302666[/unixtime]]

tzor at [unixtime wrote:1180447457[/unixtime]]But this is the finest phase spider silk. It's the ultimate in comfort for your junk. Feel the material. You can't buy better material!

Dude, are you seriously telling me that you expect Conan to buy an extradimensional space to put his junk?

No, but I do want to point out that technically Conan types were wearing loin cloths long before those those pansy bardish nobles in their mini skirt tunics were wearing codpieces. Chaucer even mentoned that.

Extradimension space for wang = nobody kicking you in the balls.

y'know... the portable hole already has a glamour on it... it could come in a version that makes one's junk look even bigger...