500 word challenge

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:56 am

Go ahead and google "hyena penis". I'll wait.

Okay, done? Horrified now?

Basically, this is the first thing a certain type of person talks about when they talk about gnolls and why they think gnolls are awesome. It's nice to see a write-up on them that doesn't actually mention that.

Ganbare Gincun · Post by **Ganbare Gincun** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 5:25 am

Koumei wrote:Go ahead and google "hyena penis". I'll wait.

Okay, done? Horrified now?

Horrifying? More like HILARIOUS! Another one of nature's cruel jokes in action. Just like harlequin babies, or progeria! Good lord.

Koumei wrote:Basically, this is the first thing a certain type of person talks about when they talk about gnolls and why they think gnolls are awesome. It's nice to see a write-up on them that doesn't actually mention that.

Are there really *that* many hyena furries out there? Aren't most of them wolves or lions or dolphins and the like? You know, the "cool" animals.

ACOS · Post by **ACOS** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 5:55 am

Ganbare Gincun wrote: Are there really *that* many hyena furries out there? Aren't most of them wolves or lions or dolphins and the like? You know, the "cool" animals.

http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Hyena

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 6:45 am

Look, some people like pegging, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:47 am

No, but it's fucking tiresome for the first part of a character's description to be her cock. Seriously.

And this is no way me being annoyed over getting banned from /tg/ for allegedly NSFW Battle Sister art yet the resident furry not being banned for gnollcock. At all.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:55 am

Usually, in non-explicit writeups (ie, 99.9repeating% of writeups I'm ever likely to do) I'd just make an oblique reference to "gnoll sexual politics," especially as that actually covers a lot more than "hur hur, gnoll wimmin have penises"

TiaC · Post by **TiaC** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:00 am

Yeah, the more interesting parts are the matriachy, the size difference, the risky childbirths and the frequent stillbirths. Digger handles this very well, and you should totally just steal that for your gnolls.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:36 am

Honestly, Digger does a lot of stuff well that should be stolen for non-commercial purposes at every opportunity. You could do a lot worse than basing dwarves off of her wombats.

fectin · Post by **fectin** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:27 pm

"Allegedly," Koumei?

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:34 pm

I always add "allegedly" to it so as to throw doubt on it without actually denying it.

Shatner · Post by **Shatner** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 2:41 pm

Digger?

Sam · Post by **Sam** » Tue Jul 22, 2014 2:45 pm

http://diggercomic.com

One of the best web comics. If you haven't read it, now's the time.

TiaC · Post by **TiaC** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 10:18 pm

How about Mongrelfolk?

Antariuk · Post by **Antariuk** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 3:13 pm

I vote for Goliaths, or, alternatively, non-psionic Half-Giants.

Darth Rabbitt · Post by **Darth Rabbitt** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 3:38 pm

TiaC wrote:How about Mongrelfolk?

Frank already did them in Shrapnel's MONSTROUS MANUAL review:

FrankTrollman wrote:The thing is that considering what the Mongrelmen are, you could actually present them in a way that didn't make "good" look bad at all. They are a biologically impossible 31 flavor crossbreed whose main feature is that they lack the assertiveness or anti-authoritarian streak necessary to do anything but grudgingly resent enslavement. Obviously they were created in the lab of a mad wizard, and it seems equally obvious that the reason for their creation was that said mad wizard wanted sapient creatures as slaves and was starting with some creatures he magicked up before moving on to world conquest.

So you have a built-in reason why they are hated and shunned in Dwarven territory - they "worked for" the mad wizard Malabrax for years. And the Dwarves would naturally still be hacked off about that, considering all the atrocities Malabrax did during the Marmalade Wars. But no, the book has to go off on the tangent "Good People are actually racist assholes who judge books by their covers and kill in the name of an arbitrary standard of beauty". Which is all kinds of fucked up.

-Username17

nockermensch · Post by **nockermensch** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 3:59 pm

Elans. They have bizarre racial powers including being freaking ageless, are aberrations despite looking human and yet their flavor text is completely bland.

Username17 · Post by **Username17** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 5:09 pm

Living Creations: Mongrelfolk, Broken Ones, Hybrids, and Chimerae

The creation of new life out of bits and pieces through thaumaturgy is an ability that is well described among powerful wizards, enchanters, warlocks, necromancers, and alchemists. Monsters great and powerful have time and time again been crafted in the laboratories of mages filled with madness, wickedness, or simple hubris or curiosity. The process is, however, neither reliable nor easy. If the techniques are performed a dozen times, it is likely that the results will be a dozen times different – even when the starting materials are unchanged. And most of the time, the results are a failure and no lasting life results: the parts fail to merge properly or the resultant creature is unable to eat or breathe.

Even when the creatures created are able to survive, they rarely live up to the hopes of their creators. There are roughly four tiers of functional creations: Chimerae, Hybrids, Brokens, and Mongrels. Chimerae are the most powerful, and have strength awe inspiring magical abilities rarely seen in any of the constituent bloodlines – about as strong as a Wyvern. Hybrids have considerable abilities but their magical powers (if any) are minor – about as strong as a bear. The Broken may well have strengths, but they also have weaknesses and deformities and are no more powerful than a leopard. And finally, Mongrels are deformed hodgepodges of traits with no appreciable value and are no stronger than a wolf. Some of the Created have Human intelligence and speech, and are afforded the suffix “-folk.”

Some strains of the Created breed true, and when this happens, new lineages get named. The Scorpionfolk or the Dracotaurs were once just known as Chimericfolk. Owlbears and Perytons were once simply Hybrids. The creator always retains a certain influence over their Created, so even though Mongrels may be no stronger than war dogs or conscripts, they are still more loyal.

Many peoples in the world have reason to resent the Created. Mad wizards and dark lords have repeatedly set the world (and not a few villages) on fire. But while the more powerful and rare of the Created are distinct and create their own reputations, the lower end Broken and Mongrel Created are largely indistinguishable and get the antipathy of many communities levelled at them.

Mongrelfolk do not exactly breed true, but many are not sterile and their offspring are also Mongrelfolk regardless of the race of the other parent. While they do not look or sound like any normal race, they have an easier time with mimicry. Mongrelfolk are usually able to imitate sounds and movements of many other races.

-442 words

-Username17

fectin · Post by **fectin** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 5:19 pm

/me Still hoping for Giff.

Shatner · Post by **Shatner** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 8:01 pm

Sam wrote:http://diggercomic.com

One of the best web comics. If you haven't read it, now's the time.

Just finished it and it was everything it was advertised to be. Thanks for the link.

Username17 · Post by **Username17** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 8:11 pm

Yeah, I kind of thought the Giff were going to be done by someone else. So here goes:

Giff

The Giff are large humanoids with thick skin, enormous mouths, and tiny ears. Their faces look similarly to hippos or the goddess Tuart. Giff have poor hearing and loud voices. They delight in noise levels that are oppressive or even painful to races with more sensitive auditory nerves.

The Giff language is loud, and the first instinct of a Giff who has not been understood is to simply repeat themselves even louder. The subtleties of spellcasting requiring careful intonations are largely lost upon the Giff, but their scholars fair better in other fields on endeavor such as alchemy and artifice. The alchemists of the Giff gleefully experiment with explosive agents such as alchemist's fire and gun cotton that give pause even to Gnomes.

The skin of a Giff is thick and insensitive, and it is layered over a padded layer of protective fat. Giff simply do not mind repeated punctures with a tattooing needle, and it is quite common for a Giff to acquire quite elaborate tattoos on much of their body. Between this resilience and their poor hearing, Giff find nearby explosions to be amusing rather than terrifying as most other races do.

Giff are quite heavy, but are fairly buoyant, allowing them to float effortlessly in water even while asleep. Many Giff elect to sleep in a pool of water rather than a bed. The homelands of the Giff are marshy and overgrown. Many of the alchemical preparations that Giff use to acclimatize themselves to other lands are mixed with alcohol, which the Giff then drink in large quantities.

The mouths of a Giff are very large, and a Giff can eat a tremendous amount in a single bite. Giff are omnivorous and can eat almost anything. In Giff culture it is considered impolite to refuse to eat something offered, and Giff can generally be convinced to eat whatever other races happen to claim is food.

Away from the Giff homeland, most Giff that are encountered will be part of a military company. These corporations allow themselves to be paid as mercenaries or simply create their own adventure by invading places with lootable goods. Giff care somewhat for gold and silver, but are more interested in steel and still more interested in chemical agents. Giff military companies are willing to travel far and fight long odds to get their hands on valuable plant products that can be used to make dyes, medicines, spices, and explosives by their alchemists.

The most feared Giff weapon is the portable bombard. Too heavy for all but the strongest Human to even lift, it is essentially a bell which is filled with gun cotton and a catapult stone. The back of the bell is then struck with a hammer, causing the gun cotton to explode and the stone to fly out and wreak havoc. Creatures less resistant to sonic effects than a Giff would be well advised to stand far back when this weapon is used.

-494 words

-Username17

Niles · Post by **Niles** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 11:57 pm

How about Dark Ones, or Firenewts?

Cynic · Post by **Cynic** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 4:18 am

A gremlin rewrite by any name would be awesome!

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 5:08 am

Well, fortunately for you, one was already done! http://tgdmb.com/viewtopic.php?p=402425#402425

Night Goat · Post by **Night Goat** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 5:11 am

I second the Dark Ones. Let's solve that mystery.

Username17 · Post by **Username17** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 8:26 pm

There are two votes for Elan. I'm not even sure those count as a race. They are more like a Prestige Class, and a really creepy platform for Bruce Cordell to tell us about how he thinks petite redheads are sexy but leaves open the possibility of masturbating to blondes or orientals in the future. Obviously, the entire "hot or not" panel for Elans has to fucking go. But the concept of something that looks like a human but is actually an unaging aberration seems like it could have legs. Anyway, gun to my head, if I was making Elan for a new edition I think it would look like this:

Elan

The Elan are synthetic Humans created by the Aboleth. They look like Humans, talk like Humans, and remember like Humans, but their insides are filled with yellow fluid and mysterious gelatinous globes and tubes. Their ultimate purpose is to live life on the surface world and ultimately return to be devoured by the memory fish that created them in order to transfer their experiences to the Aboleth.

Each Elan is created in a mucous filled pod in the depths of the Underdark and has memories transferred into it psionically during the process. These memories are selected by special memory architects and are designed to allow the new Elan to integrate themselves into surface society and in many cases even believe that they belong there. Memories of their origin are hidden deep in their psyche, and if things proceed according to plan the Elan will get a series of strange visions and recollections that drive them to return to their true place of origin for harvesting. Elans do not actually wish to die, and most do not know their ultimate fate when they find the source of their visions – but almost none are strong enough to survive the Aboleth ambush that awaits them at their destination.

Elan do not sleep. Each day they must spend a certain amount of time organizing their memories for long term storage, and sometimes they receive visions in the form of hidden memories left by their creators during this period, but this is not truly analogous to sleeping and dreaming (though they usually describe it as such to true humanoids). Elan also do not visibly age. Their internal parts wear out after seventy to a hundred years of life (if they haven't been devoured by their creators before then), but with proper psionic or thaumaturgical maintenance (or simply replacing broken pieces with newer ones taken from other Elan) they could seemingly live indefinitely. While Elan do eat, they don't actually need to do so, and can subsist for a very long time on psionic power alone.

The Aboleth have a limited number of available Human appearances that they can make, and usually batches of identical looking Elan are made at one time to be released into the world in different places. Each Elan takes its first breath already in an adult body and never appears any younger or older throughout its life. Some Elan know that they aren't Human when their eyes open and others do not, entirely at the whim of the Aboleth memory architect that oversaw their production.

-426 words.

-Username17