Episode 04: Celestial Shuffle
Recurring Cast
[*]
Tibellus: The Spider Lady (
sheet).
[*]
Biggunegi, the [foolish] Samurai Warrior (
sheet).
[*]
Sugita Hotaru, Hobgoblin Dragonfire Adept (
sheet).
[*]
Urist McFuck, Dwarven Knight (
sheet).
NPCs
[*]The Bard (he's now officially named "bard" from now on)
Last we saw, our heroes had beat feet from an old dusty room full of pews. There were magic items and skeletons and dart traps. Then a level up! Tibellus can call upon new totems, Biggunegi can break hordes, Sugita can spit waves of cold, and Urist's skin has become hard as a barbarian's.
Back in the buried temple, our heroes look over the options. From the entrance room with the hole in the roof that they've been getting in and out of:
[*]One pathway slopes up and is full of rubble, blocking it completely. They suspect that this was the actual entrance, not the hole in the roof that they've been using.
[*]One leads to the temple room that had the items, and from there an additional hallway leads further into the complex.
[*]One leads down some hallways that don't go anyplace right away.
Actually our heroes
don't look over their options. Instead they fiddle around with heal checks and bullshit.
Bickering
GM: Alright, you climb up out of the hole to rest and make camp.
Bard: Oh! you look a little rough there.
Tibellus: Oh... there were some... encounters.
Bard: Encounters? Anything I should be worried about following you up out of that hole?
Tibellus: Ha! No. None can stand to us.
Bard: Good to know. Well, I caught some fish while you were down there, happy to share.
Tibellus: We bed down, we long term care.
GM: etc, etc. If you'd like to long-term care then someone should make a check who is not themselves resting.
Tibellus: I figured Bard could do it, since he's got the skills.
GM: Ah, let's see.
Sugita: He's got theoretical skills.
Tibellus: He feels like he has skills.
GM: He has no ranks in the heal skill but he still has a point of wisdom mod which he can attempt to leverage into long-term care! He gets... uh.. what does he need?
Sugita: 15
GM: Oh, well this time he's not doing so great. He's too distracted by all this delicious fish he just cooked.
Tibellus: I don't make it. Sugita?
Sugita: Huh?
Tibellus: d20!
Sugita: I'm not even gonna bother. We heal 4 hit points per day even without long term care, it's fine.
Tibellus: Whatever, fine then. Nyyyeh.
GM: Nyyeh
Biggunegi: Nyehh
Tibellus: Sugita is a dickhole, nyehhh
Sugita: I don't have any heal bonus, so it's just +0.
Biggunegi: "I don' wanna heal me, nyah nyah"
Tibellus: "I'm not gonna roll, 'cause rolling a dice is hard!"
Sugita: If I roll, I don't count as getting the complete rest bonus, I'd only heal 2hp
Biggunegi: *looks at the battlemat* You're not even fucking hurt.
Sugita: I was hurt, but I've already skipped to the part of the game several minutes in the future where we stop bullshitting and say 'fine we're healed'.
Tibellus: Fine, we're healed. Jesus.
GM: Fine, you're healed, gosh, see if I care.
Tibellus: ha!
GM: Alright, well, you all rest a day and are healed, but Sugita pointedly refuses to do anything all day.
Sugita: Now that we're level 2 I can freeze all your wounds, if you want.
Tibellus: You're such a dick. Anyway, I go back down the hole, and I command the others to follow me.
We go down the same path as before, and then go to the extra hallway. The Dwarf goes first, so that hopefully his special stone senses will save us from deadly traps. We collect the orb and scepter, which had been dropped earlier after Urist (who was carrying them) fell unconscious and then we scurried away. Now that Tibellus has spent some skill points on knowing Celestial she can read the runes on the scepter: "Blessed are those who wield this scepter, they shall inherit the powers of Ward."
Tibellus: Uh, know what? Since obviously I have the right to rule, I'll hold on to this, and wave it around, and not hit people with it, but point it at them when I yell probably.
GM: Do any of you have Knowledge(Religion)?
Biggunegi: Know what? Sure. I do. I have a spare point I'll spend it on that.
Tibellus: I have Appraise
Sugita: I have Arcana, Nature, and Dungeoneering.
GM: None of those help, unless you want to Appraise the monetary value of this scepter.
Biggunegi: *rolls check*
GM: Okay, Ward is a not-too-common but not-too-uncommon protector deity among The Reaches. The patron of guards, protectors, those who defend others. More commonly worshiped towards the outer edges of the reaches than towards the center.
So that's one probably-hollow silver orb, and one runed silver scepter. Tibellus keeps both, "they seem like they're a set". Then we send Urist down the next hallway.
Coming to a T-section, we go left (obviously). We take another left and come to a stone door. Dwarves are
all about stone doors. This one has a handle marked "pull", so we pull it open. There's a big room with some pillars and statues. Obviously, don't touch the statues. Except they come to life on their own anyway!
Biggunegi starts to chop into the statues. The statues go, and they attack the person with the lightest armor (Tibellus; cord armor). They've got swords made of stone, not too sharp but plenty hurtful. Tibellus takes some bashing. Sugita breaths fire on them. At first there's a confusion over if constructs have hardness, and if they do if they also get the "half damage from fire" benefit that inanimate objects get, but then it's decided that they will get hardness but they won't get the half fire damage. So they're a little singed. Tibellus goes on total defense, and then Urist chips away at a golem.
Biggunegi chops a golem, killing it, and cleaves into another golem, killing it! "The secret is to aim for the knees". A golem misses Sugita. Sugita rolls max damage on a breath attack, but it saves and so not much damage happens. Then Tibellus throws a net, and Urist charges, chopping a golem but not killing it.
Biggunegi power attacks a golem while flanking it, then kills it. The battle is over, and Biggunegi collects some of the stone swords. He keeps taking weapons from things that we kill and then strapping them to his body. At this point he's got a masterwork longsword, 3 scimitars, two stone swords, and a crowbar.
So the doors are still locked, even after killing the golems, and Sugita points Biggunegi at the doors and tells him to go to work. While the doors are being chopped up, Sugita explores the room for stuff. A small box of money is found. Everything else is basically rotted away. While we're waiting for a player to get back the GM brings up that chopping all the way through a stone door would probably make it dull or something. Except it's the Samurai Ancestral Weapon axe, and so it has Hardness 17 and 30 hit points. Making it the toughest "member" of the entire group.
Once that's all done a shadow appears in the room. Sugita immediately breaths fire at it, just a tiny bit of fire.
Then we had a long talk with some sort of trans-planar entity
GM: Alright, you breathe fire at it, and Tibellus hears a voice in his head.
Shadow: Stop! Stop! I only wish to speak!
Tibellus: I yell at them to stop. Biggunegi
Biggunegi: HAI!?
Tibellus: Cease combat. Sugita, it wishes to speak with us.
Sugita: ...okay yeah, but, isn't it like, controlling your mind or whatever? So shouldn't we not listen to you?
Tibellus: No, it's over there. I'm over here.
Sugita: Yeah, uhm...
Tibellus: You don't know how it works.
Biggunegi: Don't you know how mind control works?
GM: Yeah, you have to touch them to mind control them, of course.
Tibellus: So, so, okay guys we all cool? We all cool? Okay.
Sugita: I mean I'm just saying as someone who can actually do mind control, I know that that's not how it works. (Note: 2nd level Dragonfire Adepts get Command 1/day among their spell-like abilities)
Tibellus: I can also do mind control.
GM: Wanna make an issue of it?
Tibellus: No, "so what do you want?", I say to the thing.
Shadow: I merely wish to talk, and to retrieve the knives. My companion appears to have been too forceful in his attempt.
Tibellus: That's very true. What's the deal with these knives? Also what language is he speaking?
GM: He is speaking celestial.
Sugita: Is he actually speaking celestial? Or is he doing more telepathy?
GM: He is doing more telepathy.
Tibellus: That works. So, what's the deal with these daggers?
Shadow: The daggers are incredibly dangerous; ancient artifacts that could shake the pillars of heaven themselves.
Sugita: Wow, we're keeping these.
Shadow: You must return them mortal, before anything should happen to them.
Tibellus: Ehhhh.... why are you trustworthy with these?
Shadow: We are the guardians of the daggers, entrusted long ago to watch over them, lest they fall into the wrong hands. Alas, we were deceived and the knives were stolen from us. Five of them have been recovered, but four of them remain in your world. All of them in your possession. We must have them from you.
Tibellus: Could we go to where the other five are... and give-- sorta combine the collections?
Shadow: That would mean moving you across the planes themselves. A feat which I cannot accomplish for any but myself.
Tibellus: I got this plan, where we wait a bit.
Sugita: Huh?
Tibellus: I'm saying this to the guy still, so you can't understand me. We wait a bit, and then once we can move through the planes, cause i have a feeling like we'll be able to do that pretty soon, I've got a feeling in my not-quite bones.
Sugita: Exoskeleton?
Tibellus: My spidery bits. Uhm, well then we'll bring you the knives. Because how can you bring the knives anyway, if you can't go through the planes?
Shadow: If you give them to me then I can carry them back across the planes myself, back to their resting place where they shall once again be safe.
Tibellus: You seem like a shady guy, a shady shade.
Shadow: Only but a fraction of a fraction of myself can reach this place, so far from my home.
Tibellus: Where are you actually from? What's y'er home?
Shadow: I hail from Celestia itself, a realm of light and goodness.
Sugita: We live in a realm of light, it's not that good.
Tibellus: True, true. Uhm.... will you give me anything 'cause I brought you the daggers? Also, why couldn't you retrieve the daggers before, when they were with that hobgoblin?
Shadow: The case they are in shrouds them from our view. It is part of how they were stolen from us. When you opened the case--
Tibellus: No, I get it. I get it. I'm thinking. How about... just got anything you could give us for bringing you back your knives?
Shadow: Give you? *blinks* I have nothing to give you other than the satisfaction of having done a good deed.
Tibellus: Screw it, I'll just give them back to you so that you shades stop following me around.
GM: Alright, you pull out the daggers.
Sugita: Wait, wait, wait, what's goin on?
Tibellus: Also the daggers are back at the cart.
GM: Oh, I assumed you'd carry them with you.
Tibellus: No, they'd be at the cart, because we just left that case in the cart.
GM: Alright. Funnily enough, he wouldn't know that, because he has no idea where the case is. Well, if you try to take that second door there you'll find it's locked.
Sugta: That's fine.
GM: Gonna go all the way around then?
Sugita: Wait, what's this story? All I heard was a lot of not-talking and then suddenly--
GM: The rest of you see Tibellus and the Shadow staring at each other for a while, and then Tibellus goes over to the door and tries to open it.
Tibellus: I gotta say guys, I got so many powers that you don't even know about, it's ridiculous. I can talk to some people with my brain, and I was talkin' to him, and we decided that I'm gonna give the knives to him, because I'm tired of these shadows following me around, talkin' to me.
Sugita: Okay, here's a thing, Biggunegi can chop him down in like one hit, so I don't see why we shouldn't just chop him down.
Tibellus: 'Cause, I just don't want... they're bugging me.
Sugita: I mean, look, why do they want the daggers?
Tibellus: They said they're from the celestial plane, and they're speaking to me in Celestial, and he's saying, "I've got to defend the daggers!", 'cause they do a thing and there's nine of them.
Sugita: Okay, Item One: a lot of people speak Celestial, that doesn't mean he's a celestial, 'cause you speak celestial. Item Two--
Tibellus: But I'm a bad ass.
Sugita: Item Two: If they want these daggers, we want them too. Because for whatever reason they want them, we could use them for that same reason, and probably for other reasons.
Tibellus: Alright, you try to be a good person, but I guess in the end...
Sugita: I mean, are we getting paid for these daggers?
Tibellus: Naw, he can't give us anything.
Sugita: Can he like, tell us some super secrets or something, even if he can't give us something?
Tibellus: Hey, shadow.
Shadow: Yes? What do you require?
Tibellus: Can you tell me any... secrets?
Shadow: I am not native to this plane. However, I can answer questions for what you wish.
GM: Treat it as a Commune spell.
Tibellus: Alright, what questions you got?
Sugita: Okay, obviously we should ask what's up with that army in Threll, is that still going on?
Shadow: What questions I may answer can only be done in short sentences or with a yes or no; The army from Threll has still exited the city, and is still marauding through Twilight.
Sugita: Do they... hmm...
Tibellus: What's their destination?
Sugita: He said it has to be yes or no.
Tibellus: Or a short sentence.
GM: A very short sentence.
Tibellus: A very short sentence like, "tell me what city they're going to".
Biggunegi: Pretty compelling argument.
GM: They seek no city.
Sugita: Oh, oh, Question: Is a different city-state going to attack Threll in the mean time?
Shadow: Most certainly.
Tibellus: Do you know which of the two it is?
Shadow: No.
Sugita: Do you know if the attack will happen within the next month?
Shadow: Yes.
Sugita: It will attack in the next month, hmm.
Shadow: No, I know if it will attack in the next month.
Sugita: ...will it attack within the next month?
Shadow: No.
Sugita: I guess that means we have enough time to get to Threll, and mess with them. So, alright this seems fair. What do we gotta do with the daggers? I've got no more questions.
Shadow: Now then, I've answered your questions, give me the daggers.
Sugita: We just hand them to you?
GM: He doesn't speak to you, only to Tibellus.
Tibellus: Alright, we gotta go back for them.
GM: Alright, you guys troop back through the tunnels and up to the cart, where the Bard stares at the shadow behind you, like
Bard: Eeeelgh, Guys?
Biggunegi: Sup?
Bard: What... what are you doing?
Tibellus: We're gonna give those daggers to this here shade.
Bard: It's uhm, it's got red eyes. Is that normal?
Tibellus: You know, all the ones that I've seen have red eyes.
Bard: Uh, very true, very true, can't disagree with that logic. Don't normally work with such things, but whatever you like.
GM: He cowers most cowardly on the other side of the cart from the shade.
Tibellus: Let's have Biggunegi stand near the thing when I give it the daggers, in case we need to suddenly murder it.
Biggunegi: Reasonable.
GM: Okay, you get out the case, and you get ready to hand it to him, he says
Shadow: You must open the case, I cannot touch it.
Tibellus: I open the case and just set it there.
GM: Very well, he reaches out with a whisp of shadow and grasps the knives all in one shadowy tendrel.
Shadow: Thank you, mortal. You have been most helpful.
GM: and it whisps away into nothing.
Sugita: We messed up.
Tibellus: Yeah, probably something really bad is gonna happen.
Biggunegi: You mean something fun?
Tibellus: I mean... it doesn't matter. We'll come back to this later. When we're higher level we'll just murder that guy, but on his plane where he's super powerful. There will be like, it'll be like some sort of anime scene.
Sugita: Lines of tron energy shooting everywhere and stuff?
Tibellus: I was thinking of, you know when there's pressure in the air, so that everybody's hair is billowing backwards, outward from one point? That's what it'll be.
So, after all that, there's another stone door and an unchecked passage. Can't just leave stuff unchecked.
We go to the stone door first. It's some sort of priest's quarters and prep room. Skeleton in a dilapidated bed. Closets and stuff along the walls.
Sugita: I take all of the skeleton's stuff. Anything I can't take I'll burn down.
GM: Alright.
Biggunegi: You're just a horrible, horrible person, aren't you?
GM: Quite
Tibellus: He wanted to rule the evil daggers, and I'm like, naw man, that's not neutral enough for me. I like neutral stuff.
50 gold, holy symbol (of an unknown deity), and in the cabinets there's an un-rotten silk robe.
We made the orc try it
Sugita: I tell the Orc to put it on.
GM: The hobgoblin turns to you and is holding a set of priest robes and he says "put these on!"
Biggunegi: You are most dishonorabu. Convince me.
Sugita: Alright, if you put them on they'll increase your samurai powers by eight fold.
Biggunegi: I don't uh...
Sugita: Bluff of 23 says you do believe me.
Biggunegi: Well, I believe that absolutely and put it on.
GM: Alright, you put it on, it feels like silk, feels nice.
Tibellus: Keep wearing it, it's cute.
Sugita: Is it cute?
Biggunegi: Uguuu~
GM: Yes, uguu~; It's robes, on the list of things that are cute, robes aren't terribly high on that scale.
Sugita: Come on, shrine girl robes?
Tibellus: I'm gonna find some cute robes, hold on.
GM: I'm sure there are some cute robes, but robes themselves are rather obscuring.
Biggunegi: So do i feel different?
GM: You swing your axe some, but no.
Biggunegi: We will have to test this in combat.
Urist also notices a secret door that leads back into the presentation hall, for like dramatic entrances I guess.
Anyway, we go to check the final section of the complex. The door is also trapped, but Urist opened it this time, and the darts go over his head. There's a bunch of coffins inside, like a mini catacombs.
Obviously we loot the room
Tibellus: You know we're gonna defile this crypt.
Sugita: We're totally gonna defile it. I defile it first!
GM: Sugita gets in and gets the defiling started.
Sugita: Alright, who has the highest Search check bonus? I've got +1, Urist has +3. Tibellus what do you have?
Tibellus: +0
Sugita: Alright, well, then we'll end up getting a Search of 29, with maximum defilage.
GM: Alright, you go for maximum defilage. The first coffin is empty, the next one has a corpse, looks like there's still a lot of flesh on those bones. As you shift the lid up, it lets out a creaking, groaning, awful sort of noise, and rises up before you.
Sugita: Oh no!
GM: Oh nooooooooooo~
Biggunegi: Is this a skeleton?
Sugita: It's a zombie.
Biggunegi: Awh
Tibellus: It's a
Zmobie... can I paralyze a zmobie?
Sugita: No, all undead are immune to paralysis.
Tibellus: Are you fucking kidding me?
Sugita: It's.... no?
Biggunegi: You could still net it.
Sugita: Of course undead are immune to paralysis, they don't have muscles to be paralyzed.
Tibellus: It's like a weird magic effect! Also, vampires totally have muscles.
Sugita: Immunity to poison, sleep, paralysis, stunning, disease, and death effects. Right there in the type.
Tibellus: Also, Ghouls have muscles.
Sugita: They're like, magic powered though.
Tibellus: Whatever, so...
GM: Well, roll for initiative I think.
*we all roll*
GM: Okay, let me put some icons on the map.
Biggunegi: All I saw was a half-rotten butt.
GM: It was enormous! Why are all these icons so enormous? Damnit it!
Biggunegi: Can you not just shrink down the tokens?
Sugita: Yeah, you can just resize it.
GM: One sec, I know what's wrong
Bigguenegi: Whatever it is, don't fix it, this is too hilarious.
GM: A single giant zombie! Rrrawr!
Tibellus: Way too big.
Sugita: Well, no, all the parts are each in a different sarcophaguses, and they all whirl together like Voltron.
GM: You know what? Alright. Sure, let's do this.
Tibellus: Oh god.
GM: You shift open the lid and the thing rises out, and as you do you hear the grating of stone from the other lids, which also tumble slowly open. The first one stands up, mouth agape in a soundless scream. The other bits zoom towards it and whirl around it, grafting themselves on until you are facing a monstrosity.
*puts a Huge sized token on the map*
GM: Sure, it can be that size, whatever. Right there. Great.
And so we begun the battle with the Huge sized zombie. (
obvious music)
Urist attacks (missing), and designates. Biggunegi is up, but several squares back. He can't charge because of a coffin in the way. The whole battlefield looks like a
Sylladex. Biggunegi just walks up to the zombie (no AoO since the zombie hasn't acted yet), and hits him in the face. BigguZombie swings at Urist, but misses, leaving a crater in the floor.
GM: Next up then is Sugita
Sugita: I breathe on the zombie.
GM: If you breathe on the zombie from here, you will hurt your friends.
Sugita: No, because I will go like this
GM: Oh, okay, sure.
Biggunegi: hahahaha
Tibellus: You're the cheapest motherfucker.
GM: Reflex save... oh, better than I expected. He fails though.
Sugita: 11 damage.
GM: The zombie gets partially roasted. It smells
terrible
Biggunegi: I vomit.
Tibellus is up, except this zombie is too big to net. She reluctantly steps up and lashes out with a Flame Snake.
Tibellus: This seems dangerous
Sugita: Oh, it's dangerous.
GM: Oh, it's so dangerous. When I said crater, I literally meant that there's a crater in the floor where the zombie hit it.
Sugita: Urist is running interference here, so.
Alas, a Natural 1 misses.
~Round 2~
Urist, having his challenge unmet, opens up a can of what-for and cuts off a large chunk of zombie. Biggunegi power attacks for 2, and then misses by 2. BigguZombie smashes Urist for 10 damage. Sugita is up, but now all three slots in front of the zombie are taken up by allies. Luckily, the zombie is taller than they are, so Sugita breaths a fire attack up over his allies into the zombie. Tibellus, given the situation, bravely 5ft-steps back and uses Total Defense.
~Round 3~
Urist misses. Biggunegi power attacks again, and rolls even worse than before. BigguZombie deals 19 damage to Urist (who only had 18hp at the time), and Urist goes down. Sugita does more fire breath, but only 4 damage, and also the zombie made his save.
Tibellus: I'm trying to think what I can even do in this situation.
GM: You can try to trip him, it would be very hard.
Sugita: You could 5ft-step into Urist's square, pick up his greatsword as part of your movement because of your BAB, and then swing the greatsword into the zombie. Assuming you have no other melee weapons.
Tibellus: Fuckin, sure. Seems like a crazy plan, but.
GM: Are you proficient with greatswords?
Tibellus: Is it part of the base package?
GM: It's part of the Martial Weapons package.
Tibellus: I don't think I am... let me open the book again. Hmm, nope. I'm proficient with Simple Weapons.
Sugita: "Simple Weapons, as well as the Trident, the Kukri, the shortsword, the gladius, the light and heavy pick, the shortbow, the longbow, the pincerstaff, the net, and the guisarme"
GM: God damnit, Frank.
Tibellus swings (attack total of -1) and misses. So clumsy.
~Round 3~
Urist bleeds. Biggunegi rolls a Natural 20 and chops it to bits.
Biggunegi immediately throws the silk robe back at Sugita, because they did nothing to help at all. The rest of us scramble to get a successful Heal check. Fail, Fail, Fail, Success!
We search all around the room for loot. Masterwork chainmail, Masterwork longsword, and 35gp of assorted gold and silver coins. We carry Urist back to the exit.
The bard was almost incredulous
Bard: Oh, what happened this time? No more specters I hope.
Sugita: We fought a zombie as big as your house.
Bard: Wow! Uh... you people seem to lead very interesting lives. Are you certain you should be going down into old, abandoned temples and fighting zombies the size of houses?
Sugita: Is there any other way to live? I don't think there's any other way to live.
Tibellus: I think this will increase my lifespan, in the long run.
Bard: I've lived for quite a long time without fighting any zombies as large as a house.
Tibellus: I mean, that's your thing, and that's your biz, but my biz is much better than your biz. I'm going to rule the world. *brandishes her new scepter*
Bard: Oh, shiny, where'd you find that?
Tibellus: Down there.
Bard: With the zombie?
Tibellus: With the skeletons earlier on.
Bard: Oh, skeletons, you didn't mention skeletons. Let's get this straight: There was a bunch of skeletons, and a bunch of zombies as big as houses, and a specter who you brought up here and gave something to.
Tibellus: Also, moving statues.
Bard: Oh, moving statues. This makes everything better.
Tibellus: Yeah.
Sugita: Yeah.
Biggunegi: *pats his stone swords proudly*
GM: He eyes them.
Bard: Those look very blunt.
Tibellus: You hit people with them.
Biggunegi: You could also use them to hold things, like a table.
Bard: I suppose you could. Alright, we've been here half a week. You guys done with that? I've just about fished out the damn river.
So we put Urist in the cart and move off. Into the sun that never sets. Towards the Sunwell.