You could (and probably will) just say "well, they may not yet, but eventually they will hate each other". But as that's a No True Scotsman approach, I'm going to ignore it.
This is absolutely true, and I don't deny it. It's also not what Kaelik said.Cynic wrote:I don't at all dispute that you and your ex-partner can maintain an amicable relationship for the rest of your life. But there will be times that you might differ on how to raise your kids. Having them in two different homes makes it harder to reconcile these differences.
I know co-parenting is bound to be difficult, but it's not like regular parenting is a walk in the park without disagreements, or that being married grants any miraculous power to get along. I do work for child support; I literally look at parenting agreements and divorce orders every day. A lot of those issues can be helped by being very clear about things ahead of time. Does that mean there won't still be conflicts? Of course not. And I realize that just because you have a piece of paper that says one thing doesn't mean that trying to make reality reflect that is simple or easy.
I guess my main point is...yes, there will be someone raising my kids (at least part of the time) who isn't me, and who doesn't answer to me. But that was always true. I didn't have some magic control over my wife...honestly, if one spouse does have control over the other, that seems like a pretty unhealthy relationship to me. My wife will be just as answerable as she ever was, and vice versa. And we'll have to compromise...but we've got 12 years of experience doing that. I have no doubts it will be more difficult once we're separated...but I'll be honest and say that it helps that I don't have a lot of hangups about how the kids should be raised (as far as discipline, religion, education, etc). As long as they're safe and happy, I'm fine with my wife raising them however (and if they're not safe and happy, that's why we have family courts).
If she remarries...I'd like to hope she wouldn't marry a complete asshole. I realize it's a possibility that I will have difficulties with that. But it's a long stretch from that to "you will end up hating each other".
I'm sorry to hear that (about your ex), and best wishes for your ongoing situation.sabs wrote:It really depends on how sane and stable your ex-wife is, and how sane and stable any new person in her life ends up being.
My ex-wife is of dubious emotional stability.. so it's been rough.
I think my wife has an okay head on her shoulders...she's certainly not a nutbar or an emotional wreck. She's as sane or stable as most people I know (for what that's worth). Fortunately neither of us have any drink/drug problems, or serious psychiatric problems.
Yeah, a lot of divorce orders actually require that (you are not allowed to shit-talk your ex, and doing so is a violation of the agreement); it's not something I would do anyway. I would like to think she wouldn't either; she has told me that she thinks I'm a great guy and a good father; we're still friends, and we do pretty good as parents (I like to think), we're just not making it work as husband/wife.shau wrote:If your relationship ever stops being amicable, its not acceptable to talk shit about your ex in front of your kids. I am not saying you will, but my parents did, and it was damaging.
Could be so...I think "almost certainly" is a stretch, but I'll try to be prepared for the possibility. Again, I'm not a control freak, so hopefully even if that does happen, we can stay on good terms.whipstitch wrote:My parents went through a version of what Kaelik is describing and while I think I think hate is a really strong word I do think that realistically one of you will almost certainly end up feeling like a backseat driver when it comes to parenting the kids and how you handle subsequent resentment will determine a lot. Hell, that often happens even with couples that remain married.
And yeah, that does happen with married couples as well. It's part of makes me hope that because it didn't happen with us, divorce won't cause it to happen.
